Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable, me or Ds?

46 replies

atheistmantis · 26/01/2017 18:51

Ds, 17, is going out with friends tonight and then again with his girlfriends family on Saturday night. When he asked about Saturday night I agreed and said that we would go out for the day on Saturday. Last time we tried to have a family day out Ds was going out with his girlfriend in the afternoon and so we were only out together for an hour or so and the rest of us had the rest of the day without Ds which meant going to an event, finding out it was all in the afternoon despite being advertised as all day and so drove Ds home and then drove back. On Saturday we are going to another event at the same place and then doing something important a family to help a relative.

Now he has told me that he wants to go out about 1pm as his girlfriends family are going to see their brother and sil and are leaving at lunch time. I explained that he couldn't as we were going out for a day together and reminded him that last time he missed our day out because of wanting to go out at lunch time. This was in the car; when we got in he barged into me to get past into the lounge and kept shoving me to get past. Then he stormed off to his room and shouted bitch down the stairs at me and then yelled that he was trying to do it right and come out with us just for the morning. I've said that he can't go at all after he barged and shoved at me and called me a bitch.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
harderandharder2breathe · 26/01/2017 21:46

You can't force a 17 year old to have family time! But you don't have to take him to his social life either.

Have your day out, let him do his own thing and make his own way to gf

RoseGoldHippie · 26/01/2017 21:49

her Ds is chosing to spend the day with his GF's family instead of family time with his own family. I think that would rankle me

When you were 17 didn't you find spending time with mates / gf /bf family more interesting that your own? I know I did! I just wanted to spend time with my friends!

But yes totally out of order they way he spoke and acted towards op

ChoudeBruxelles · 26/01/2017 21:51

His behaviour is totally out of order shoving etc but you can't force him to spend time with you. Can't you invite his girlfriend to do things with you.

harleysmammy · 26/01/2017 21:52

Hes 17? Sorry i know when my son gets to 17 im still gunna wanna read him a bedtime story but hes 17..i am the biggest daddies girl alive and such a family girl but i still needed time with my friends and boyfriend at 17? I would have gone mad if someone in my family said i couldnt see my boyfriend at 17 because they wanna have a family day. Its only a family day out, if it was a family meal or birthday then fair enough but would you want to be forced into a fam day out at 17? Also, he is a year away from being a legal adult..he is already old enough to move out and drive, do you really still "not allow" him to do something?
I would put some kind of punishment in place if my son EVER calls me a bitch but i would kind of understand his anger with storming upstairs if i'd just stopped him doing something perfectly normal at that age

Andylion · 27/01/2017 17:00

Rose: *When you were 17 didn't you find spending time with mates / gf /bf family more interesting that your own? I know I did! I just wanted to spend time with my friends!
*

Absolutely, but my mum always said, "Why don't you want to spent time with your own family?" so I can see why the OP is upset.

SomethingBorrowed · 27/01/2017 17:10

Can you invite his GF to spend time at your house?

lelapaletute · 27/01/2017 17:29

He's 17 and everyone's talking as if this means mum is not entitled to run his life. And his violent and abusive behaviour is written off as 'unreasonable BUT...' ?????

Alternatively: he's 17, old enough to get married, have kids, get a job, get a flat. But he's living at home in mum's house, presumably on mum's dime. He has agreed to do something and is now trying to duck out of it to please his girlfriend's family. When called on this he has turned violent and verbally abusive.

OP, he IBVVVU. I would seriously think twice about having a virtually adult man who was violent and aggressive towards me under my roof, even if he was my son. What do you suppose his girlfriend's family would think if he shoved her around and called her a bitch if he didn't get his way? I dare say the might consider it a matter for the police (or a baseball bat). So why is it OK for him to do it to you?

ShowMePotatoSalad · 27/01/2017 17:35

The violence is totally unacceptable, no questions asked.

The controlling behaviour is a totally separate issue too. Entitled to "run his life"? I think that's an odd way to look at it. Entitled or not, who would WANT to "run" their 17 year old son's life? Confused

Does her son have to do everything she asks in exchange for living under her roof? That's control.

GobblersKnob · 27/01/2017 17:45

Yes, 17 year olds want independence and rightly so, but they also have responsibilities and need to realise they are expected to keep them.

Op said they were supposed to be doing something to help a family member as well as going out? If this had already been discussed with ds and he had agreed then he is being U and probably knows if, hence the shitty behaviour (which is also totally unacceptable). If this has just been sprung on him and he already has other plans then you are BU, but he is still wrong to lose his temper with you.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 27/01/2017 17:48

It sounds like OP expects him to participate in family days out every weekend. She also didn't seem happy he was going out with friends 2 nights in a row.

I agree he should have responsibilities and if he doesn't want to take responsibilities on I would stop any allowance etc because he wants independence. But I think the attitude of "my house my rules" in this situation is anything other than controlling.

lelapaletute · 27/01/2017 17:57

It's not that so much as the way everyone is dismissing the violence and abuse. Ok maybe mum is a bit demanding. But we are talking about a 17 year old male roughing up his mother while living under her roof. This isn't the same as a five year old throwing a tanty - at 17 he is likely much bigger and stronger than her. Imagine if it was her partner who had done it - you'd all be telling her to LTB.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 27/01/2017 18:24

I totally agree with you about the violence and verbal abuse. There is no "but" when it comes to that.

BackforGood · 27/01/2017 18:50

I think some of the recent posters are interpreting 'barged past me' in a different way from me.
As I said originally, and as virtually every poster has commented, - not his finest hour, but hardly 'violence and abuse'. Lets not minimise what it must be like for those who live with violence and abuse, please.

lelapaletute · 28/01/2017 19:27

Deliberately barging someone or pushing them is violence. Calling someone a bitch is verbal abuse. Minimising this does not help the 'real' victims of abuse. He is too old for this to be treated as childish behaviour that can be brushed off. As I said, if he treated his girlfriend this way she would be within her rights to report him to the police. Why is it ok for him to do it to his mother?

Slimmingsnake · 28/01/2017 19:34

He's nearly a man.your being unreasonable

Slimmingsnake · 28/01/2017 19:38

I think your way over involved in his life,and expecting to much of his time in yr life.hes nearly a man,let him get on with his life..however a stern word is needed about finding somewhere else to live if there is any more agression

ImperialBlether · 28/01/2017 19:38

I think he sounds incredibly frustrated.

I don't know any 17 year old boys who spend time out with their parents at the weekend, tbh. I have a great relationship with my son who's older than that now and when he was at home we'd have set times when we'd sit and watch TV and chat (outside of dinner time.) I took the initiative from him - all I wanted was a good, healthy relationship.

SarahM24 · 28/01/2017 20:09

I dont know anyone male or female who would get physical with their mother!

Theres no reason why at 17 he cant learn to honor commitments even if that means missing out on something else, so for this relative whatever has been planned should still be happening he can always go and see his gf after although he will most likely get a few moany texts from her now he cant go lol

He would be going no where after his behaviour theres no excuse for that

scottishdiem · 28/01/2017 20:42

I left home at 17 to go to uni. God knows the last time I had a "family" thing I was obligated to do prior to leaving.

He was very unreasonable in his response and, as others have said, it can be seen as abusive. But you need to then consider why you are controlling the life of a 17 year old in that way. He is reacting like a child because he is being treated like one.

ImperialBlether · 28/01/2017 20:51

What do you mean, "He'd be going nowhere..." Sarah? He's 17 - what would you do, lock him in his room?

Topseyt · 28/01/2017 22:10

Pull him up sharply on the name calling and shoving. That isn't on at all. He is too old to be grounded, but you can tell him that this is unacceptable, and if it happens again he will have to leave and find a place of his own.

My DDs are 21, 18 and 14. I have very rarely insisted on family time during the teenage years, only when it had been something particularly one-off and important.

So I would say stop foisting the family time thing on him. It takes away an unnecessary bone of contention and flash point.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.