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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is he BU or am I?

47 replies

WTAFF · 26/01/2017 15:30

A band that I really like has recently announced a UK coming to a nearby city.

None of my friends would be able to attend so I asked my boyfriend to attend. He knows if he doesn't come with me I will have to either not go or go alone. I don't really want to go on my own, as half the fun for me is enjoying the music with someone else.

Now when I asked my boyfriend, he just said he would think about it. I told him that it would mean a lot to me if he would attend. He told me that he hates 'being pestered' and there are some things that he needs to think about.

I am going with him on Sunday to see a film that I have no interest in seeing but have agreed to go because it is something he really wants to do.

Obviously I have misjudged the situation and feel like a bit of a mug.

AIBU to be a bit upset about this - that he would rather I go somewhere on my own than come with me?

Or do I need to put my big girl pants on and get a grip?

OP posts:

CorporalNobbyNobbs · 26/01/2017 16:05

I know you've paid for cinema tickets but he should have paid for those.

MiddleClassProblem · 26/01/2017 16:09

Is the cinema for his birthday?

Original poster

WTAFF · 26/01/2017 16:12

No, it's not for his birthday. I just said I would get the tickets and he hasn't offered me any money for them.

I didn't want to make a big deal out of it so I just left it. I'm being taken for a mug aren't I?!

OP posts:

OneWithTheForce · 26/01/2017 16:16

How new is this relationship? Your communication doesn't sound great.

MiddleClassProblem · 26/01/2017 16:17

I think it depends how these conversations went. Does he know how you feel about the feel or was it more of an "I'm not fussed about seeing but I'll see it with you?"

Also a concert is loud, standing, dancing, singing shouting people. But different situation that if you're not into the music is not fun to be there but a cinema you can at least fall asleep (or eat nachos in your case).

ItsyBitsyBikini · 26/01/2017 16:23

I'll go with you! I really really want to go but my Dp isn't a massive fan, he would come with me if I insist as he likes the support act.

has no advice in regards to bf
Moving on,

UrethaFranklin · 26/01/2017 16:31

To be honest I don't think that I would pay £40 for a ticket to see a band that a) I don't particularly like anyway and b) where I would be old enough at the gig to stick out like a sore thumb.

As for the cinema tickets, if my DP said to me that he would get them, I would assume that he was paying for them. If he wanted me to pay my half he would have said 'I'll get them and you can pay me back' or similar. So your boyfriend probably thought the same seeing as you didn't ask for any money off him.

OurBlanche · 26/01/2017 16:31

Yes, mug you are!

Tell him he is being unreasonable, cancel the movie tickets, tell him to have a good think about who the hell he thinks he is!

Pisghetti · 26/01/2017 16:34

Slightly OT but are you sure there are tickets available? Reason I ask is that there were people camping outside the venue they're playing in Cardiff to buy tickets at the weekend.

Back on topic - yeah he's being weird. Letting you pay for the cinema tickets for a film he wanted to see and then not giving a straight answer to an easy enough question would annoy me! I have an ex who won't answer questions directly (he's my son's father hence why we're still in touch!) and I can only imagine it's some sort of control thing - like I'm hanging on his words. Now I just tell him what I'm doing and he needs to contact me if he wants to change anything. Wouldn't really work in this situation though.

Bluntness100 · 26/01/2017 16:34

How long have you been with him op?

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 26/01/2017 16:36

YANBU. I think relationships have to include a bit of give and take and showing interest in each others' hobbies. It would be kind of him to go with you.

We've got tickets to see Blink in July too, can't wait! If your bf won't go, don't let the age thing put you off going alone. I've seen them a few times and it seems like their fanbase is still mostly the same people who liked them as teenagers - most people were late 20's/early 30's.

KellyBoo800 · 26/01/2017 16:38

I'll go with you! Love a bit of Blink and they so rarely tour in the UK!

I don't think he's unreasonable not to want to go, but he can't then expect you to go to things you don't fancy either.

DH have a lot of shared tastes in music and cinema but there's often gigs and films he will want to see that I don't. He's quite happy to go alone, so I don't expect him to come with me to ones he doesn't want to. If I was expected to go with him but he didn't return the favour, I'd be pissed.

user1484317265 · 26/01/2017 16:38

He told me that he hates 'being pestered' and there are some things that he needs to think about

I think maybe he's not talking about the gig at all.....

Original poster

WTAFF · 26/01/2017 16:39

We've been off and on for about three years. We've only recently got back together.

i suppose that is why I am hyper sensitive about any issues.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

OneWithTheForce · 26/01/2017 16:40

Looks like there could be a MN blink meet up on the cards!

TheCustomaryMethod · 26/01/2017 16:40

It's a waste of £40 if he's not likely to enjoy it.

I think it was unreasonable of him to say you were 'pestering' for asking him a mere twice, and he needs to pay you for his cinema ticket ASAP.

Your posts are starting to create the impression that you're very keen on him, but he's not so keen on you and is taking you for granted - if that's the case you might want to think about where the relationship is headed.

Bluntness100 · 26/01/2017 16:43

If you've only recently got back together I'd assume he's thinking about making a commitment as far away as July, and that's what he is thinking about.

ofshoes · 26/01/2017 16:46

he's probably just thinks Blink 182 are shit (and is correct)

EweAreHere · 26/01/2017 16:49

He's happy for you to have paid for expensive cinema tickets for both of you for a movie you don't even want to see? But he has to think about doing something you want to do?

Please please please cancel the cinema tix and get your money back.

PurpleMinionMummy · 26/01/2017 17:46

Have you posted before about always doing stuff he likes, but he will never do the things you like?

dollydaydream114 · 26/01/2017 17:52

We've been off and on for about three years. We've only recently got back together.

i suppose that is why I am hyper sensitive about any issues.

Thanks everyone.

I'm going to go slightly against the grain here and say there are quite a few things that are ringing alarm bells. Looking at your follow-up posts, this is a lot more than just 'my BF doesn't want to see a band with me'.

It might just be that I've been in a similar situation, but this is how I see it...

I wouldn't badger someone to come to something they would absolutely hate, but I definitely think part of being in a relationship is that you do things for the other person sometimes. My DP and I will accompany each other to gigs, films, plays etc that one of us isn't that bothered about. Just as you will go and see a film with him, YANBU to ask him to see a band with you.

There is no reason at all why he should need to 'think about' whether he'll go. Either he should say yes or no. It's not a tricky decision; it's a straightforward one. By refusing to say either way and then accusing you of pestering when you ask him to decide so you can get tickets before they sell out, he is, in my view, being a manipulative prick. He is aware you're bothered by this, but he's deliberately keeping you hanging on and then suggesting that you are 'pestering'. A wee bit gaslighty, that, and suggests to me that he's trying to hang on to this as a bargaining tool. He basically likes to have all the cards in his hand and he wants you to feel insecure - and then when, not unreasonably, you look for some security, he accuses of you nagging, pestering etc and tries to make out that you're the problem rather than him.

He should clearly be paying for the cinema tickets. If he wants to see the film, he should make the arrangements and sort the tickets out.

The fact that he's behaving like this when you've only just got back together is another warning sign for me. He should be in the lovey-dovey, making an effort phase at this point.

You say you feel insecure about the on-off nature of your relationship. Clearly, he doesn't, or he'd be saying yes to see the band with you.

What I see here is a relationship where one partner is well aware the other is insecure, is trying to keep her insecure, and is using that against her so he's always the one in control.

PaintingOwls · 26/01/2017 17:53

You're being a bit muggy, yes.

But I kind of see his POV as well. I once went to see someone I had zero interest in with my friend. The ticket was free so all I had to pay for was food, travel and drinks.

It was very awkward to listen to songs I didn't know whilst fans went absolutely nuts around me and I would not do it again.

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