To not want my DC to go to a school where the Mum of a child whose going used to bully me

[bluelightoversunset]

This sounds infantile but when I was a kid there were 4 popular girls at school who called me fat, ostracised me, wouldn't let me play there '4 player' games, laughed every time I walked past and made the whole class hate me. I was a complete loner at primary school and the hangups stayed with me through to secondary. I managed to work really hard in a failing state comprehensive and made it to a good university where I made some awesome friends and met DH but I came back to my hometown when we had kids to be close to my parents who are the only really connection I had in this town. Since being back I have made a few absolutely lovely friends from toddler groups, but they are all going to the local church primary school and we are non-believers. So we are left with the community school, and I bumped into this woman who bullied me from primary school in a toddler group and started talking to her. I tried to be nice because I know it's a small world round here and didn't want to look like I was still hung up on something that happened 25 years ago, she said this school is her first choice, the kids would be in the same year and she's definitely going to get in because she lives one street over! I feel sick at having to stand at the school gates with her, I don't want to be left out again like I was before as a child but now as a Mum!!! I feel like I made good and now all my education was for nothing because I'm back with the same cows that I was trying to get away from, she has a massive group of friends. I am worried they will tell other people, and I will look weird for growing up somewhere and not having any friends.

Should i just move area completely and sacrifice my relationship with my parents, at the moment we see each other all the time and DC love seeing their grandparents. I feel like why should I let them force me away but then I wish I could go somewhere new, we are in the middle of trying to buy a house and DC haven't started school yet so we could technically go anywhere right now.

The school in our town now is outstanding and looks really lovely, apart from her I don't think I'll know anyone else so part of me thinks just to bury my feelings.

I know this is a first world problem but it's stayed with me for years. Please don't be harsh, what would you do??

Yes it does get easier and they just become faces you see it school its just new for you my youngest is nearly 19 so of course it is all behind me, but honestly it does get easier just concentrate on yourself and chatting to other parents she will fade into the background.

Send your kid. It's a great school and she is the one that matters.

You don't have to talk to this woman at the school gates. I talk to no one :D

Just a polite "good morning" or whatever. Be civil. Our school gates aren't massively chatty places. Most people go in, pickup, leave. Maybe time your arrival so you're arriving literally on time, not 10 minutes before, so no need to worry about chatting to people. Then it doesn't matter what she does - if she goes batshit and tries to be a bully again, you aren't going to be there, you aren't going to be talking to these people and it will be easier to ignore.

Also - head up, you did good. You got out, you did well. Don't let her take that away from you. She doesn't have any power over you any more.

One of my school bullies committed suicide. No sympathy, frankly, he beat up a 13 year old girl while people cheered. The other members of the gang never made it out of the town. They're still 'bezzy' friends, still a curious shade of Trumpish orange, still 'out on the lash'. I'm not saying I'm 'better' than them or anything, we're just... different. We have nothing to say to one another and if I encounter one, a head-held-high silence or polite nod is all it takes to make me feel...

Oh, ok, I admit it, fucking great actually ;)

So, yeah, chin up and just remember, you did really well and maybe she didn't. You win the game of life. Especially if she goes nuts and tries to be a schoolyard bully again.

This is a tough one OP. I do understand the pp saying to not let her and her friends run you out of town. On the other hand, why make yourself miserable when you don't have to? This woman won't take notice either way -- if you stay, she wouldn't think that you are "taking a stand"; if you leave, she wouldn't think that you are "running away" from her. So whatever you decide to do, know that she won't think she had anything to do with it.

I wouldn't worry too much about the test scores of the schools. Different kids thrive in different environments. Personally I would sacrifice a few points of test scores in favor of a more diverse student body. Also, if you stay, think about how you'll react should your dc and her/her friends' dcs get into a situation of conflict. Would you be able to stay calm or would you be looking at it through the lenses of your own childhood experience with these women? Best of luck to you whatever you decide.

I too was bullied at school (secondary), but moved away after finishing my A-levels and made a new life for myself. I haven't moved back to the area, but if I did and my children ended up at the same school, I would like to think that:

a) the bully has grown up and become a reasonable person (yes, undoubtedly there are some people that will turn into the adult bully version of what they were as a child, but I think most people will actually "grow up") (incidentally, I'm actually facebook friends with the bully from all those years ago - we were once very close, prior to the bullying, but I've moved on and now just sit in smugness looking at how old she's looking in her photos compared to me!); and
b) even if they hadn't, I would take the moral high ground. I've done well for myself and I have no reason to let these people continue to affect my, or my DC's lives. I am still affected by the feelings that the bullying left me with, but I have built up a bit more of a brick wall now where it wouldn't show to those that bullied me. If they are then still the same bullying person, they'd soon realise they weren't getting a reaction and would probably move on.

When I was at primary school, I started mid-year due to my parents moving back to the area and was placed in a class and given another girl to befriend me and look after me. We ended up really good friends, and it was only a couple of months later that my Mum admitted that my friend's Mum and her were at school together and did NOT get on. In my case, I actually think my Mum was the bully (!), but never once did either of them let it affect our friendship. They were never particularly friendly, but said "hello" etc at school drop off time. We even played at each other's houses and our mum's did the pick ups, etc. If my Mum hadn't told me, I don't think I would have known.

I would give it a try. You haven't said whether there was any old hostility in your recent meeting, so chances are there wasn't and you'll be absolutely fine.

Good luck!

I would ask for your dd to be in a different class. Kids tend to mix mainly with their own class and it will just give you a bit more space from her.

Thanks everyone,

It wasn't a hostile meeting though she's still not the type of person I would ever get on with, a lot like the type you describe Niskayuna - a strange Trumpish orange colour is quite fitting. I think part of the reason I was picked on was I am half Iranian/half English and everyone was English, at the time my mum's English wasn't the best so she didn't speak to any other Mum's at the school gates...I find it ironic as the area has changed a lot since then and it is now much more diverse so in that way I feel much more at home round here and if it wasn't for her still being here and happening to have a kid in the exact same year group I wouldn't think twice about staying here...

What a shame you went through that :(

Has she ever actually mentioned how she treated you? Or did she just crack on like you were old friends?

I read an article some time back where journalists went back and interviewed school bullies. The thing was, a lot of them had literally forgotten they were bullies and occasionally rewrote history and claimed they were victims instead. Amongst adults you get a lot of people who claim they were victims but almost no one ever claims they were the bully. The numbers don't add up.

I've bumped into a few from school and they've smiled and greeted like me like we were chums. I found it quite strange.

Im sorry you are having to deal with this. I do agree people rewrite history. I was bullied, still effects me but i remember the one time calling up the courage and asking bully why she did it, and did it make her feel better that she made my life hell for years and she was bullying me. She looked genuingly shocked she was a bully despite calling me names, surrounding me with her friends and making sure to make my life as awful as possible. With school dont worry to much. You really see these people 5-10 minutes a day. You will find people you talk to more. Some of parents i barely see just because we tend to be neer front of line and others always in last minute

DC1 is in the same class as the daughter of the man who bullied him at school.

It has never been an issue. Our children have nothing in common - different friendship circles and hobbies, different Maths and English groups - so they spend nearly no time together.

However, I do nearly all the school runs and always have; same for the little girl, whose mother is on school run duty. It's vanishingly rare for DH and HorridBullyWanker to be within twenty yards of each other, and I don't think they've ever spoken to each other since like 2000. I think I've only spoken to him once, and been in his company perhaps two or three other times.

I think it would be extremely difficult for me to have to spend every single pick up and drop off seeing someone who had bullied me. It's hard enough at present to be within ten feet of the twat my good friend is divorcing, and he's done nothing to me personally.

Okay after Facebook stalking again I see her child would be in a year later than mine, do you think this makes a difference? I feel a bit better about it now...

You're handing this bully an awful lot of power in adulthood. I don't know if she's changed or not but surely you have. You've grown and experienced new friends and events that helped overshadow school years. Hold your head high and prioritise your children's education, she may still be a bully but you don't have to let her get to you anymore. Adults aren't as easy to convince as children when it comes to rumours and bullying and she might not even bother now. Just ignore her completely and concentrate on your kids. I really don't understand this obsession everyone has with having to make mummy friends at school. You spend less than 10mins a day with school gates parents and you don't have to join a clique. Stop letting her control you all these years later. Take the power back from her and have courage that she can't hurt you anymore as what she thinks about you is irrelevant to you. Anyone who takes what she may say about you atface value in adulthood also is meaningless and not worthy of your attention. I'm the weird mum in the playground full of my school bullies but I don't care what these people think of me. It doesn't affect my daughter's friendships or life and that's the most important thing.

Thanks Bloopbleep you are right, I am handing too much power to the bully.. I will have to let this go, thanks for all your help everyone on here xxx

If you go to the PTA, volunteer in school, get involved, join Brownies, get a non-school hobby etc., then this woman really doesn't need to be a significant part of your life.
People will see you for what you are now, not what you were. If she is still a bitch (and she probably isn't) then act like you would to any mean adult - ignore, eye roll, tell them to get a life.
They say most bullies are actually bullied themselves. She may have had some really sad stuff going on at home, maybe she has her own story. Either way, this is the past. You choose to make your own future.
If her child bullies yours then let HELL loose. Take it to the school, be the parent/defender/dragon mother that you should have had.

I sympathise. I found out one day from my very much younger brother's partner (she was 22 at the time, he was 25) that he'd recently had an affair with a girl who bullied me at school (so we were both 38) Can't quite get my head round that and was pretty horrified at the thought of it, she was awful! Age gap only relevant because I totally wouldn't have expected it because he is my baby bro

And yes, it goes without saying that he was a massive shit to do that to his partner.

Slightly off topic, but we are non believers with our kids a church school. My husband particularly was against it, but everything else about it made it the right school for us. We're so glad we sent them there now and they have not turned into little evangelicals- we talk about Christian faith in our house like any other faith - i.e. 'Some people believe...'

I was honest with the priest and said we don't believe but have a lot of the same values. He was really interesting about it and I've ended up really respecting him. I do other things to pitch in at school and just swerve the religious things.

I think your situation would make me so anxious. It's all very well to say you're a grown up now, ignore them, but this stuff runs deep. Being part of a primary school community is a lovely thing for you and your children, I reckon go to the church school and dodge those women. They may have completely changed but that's not the point. They just bring up too many issues for you.

Oooop! Wrong thread.

I totally understand op - I would feel the sane. But hopefully if their child is in a different year it should be fine?

My dd is in the thick of this at the moment. I dint think anyone with no experience of bullying can possibly begin to imagine the devastating effects.
Dd is a shadow of her former confident self and has missed loads of school and suffered from anxiety.
I have never felt a hatred as I do for the bullies so I can only imagine how these residual feelings upset you.
I wouldn't get friendly with her or her cronies, keep it light and cheerful. I'm on my 5th primary child and I very much keep my social and private life separate which works a treat.
Good luck x

YABU to base your child's education in any way on bullying that happened 25 years ago. I was badly bullied but somehow I never let it "get to me", I think I always knew people did it to make themselves feel better and that it was nothing about me as a person. As I grew up most of them would be polite and friendly enough, as others say you grow up!

Friend of mine ended up teaching the daughter of her bully - always wondered what the parents evenings were like!!

I do think it makes a difference that they're in different years (assuming they don't have split classes) as although the children will know each other they are unlikely to have much to do with each other.

If you can bear to be in a crowded hall with the bully for the Nativity / Summer Fair etc then it should be fine.

I'm a non believer and my children go to a faith school. It was that or shitty school and their education was more important than my lack of beliefs. I just accept that worship is what the do at school, but home is different.

If that really really isn't an option, then the fact they will be in different years makes a huge difference. I remember when my first started school, we didn't particularly associate with the parents from the year above, you tend to stick to your own year group. I also wouldn't let a bully dictate mine, my child's and my parents future. Sod them.

I think it makes a big difference. By the time her kid starts there, you'll have been there a year. You'll have your own school gate friends/people you talk to/routine. You won't have to do more than give her a nod. This will be your place where you know how it all works and she'll be the newby figuring it all out.

And as others have said, you can join the PTA or come in and volunteer for reading or whatever. You can make a concerted effort to reply to school emails and make sure you have friends around you. And then when she arrives, you'll know that you have a group of mums around you and you won't need to worry about her.

I do also agree with others have said about people changing an awful lot though. Most of us aren't really recognisable from our eight-year-old selves. Maybe she's still a bitch - some people are! - but she's not going to have the power over you she did as a child.

Sympathy, though. Bullying is horrible, and it sounds like this girl gave you an awful time.