To be upset by my sister?

[cattypussclaw]

In a nutshell... My 50th birthday is on a Saturday this year. My husband has been saying at family events over the last year or so, where my sister has been present, that it would be nice to have a big party to celebrate. Extended family, old friends, new friends, everyone we've ever known (husband loves a party) would be invited.

Discovered by accident yesterday (BIL mentioned it) that my sister has booked tickets for that evening. For a band she loves and sees regularly.

AIBU to be upset that my sister obviously took the conscious decision to blow out any event I might have planned for my birthday in favour of going to a concert?

My second AIBU in a week. Perhaps I'm over-sensitive...

I think she should have checked with you first. But then, it sounds like you have a similar relationship with your sister as I have with mine. If that is the case, I would be thinking she had maybe done it on purpose.

Would your sister expect you to attend her birthday party?

Your dh has said it would be nice to have a party.....not we ARE having a party. I think yabu sorry.

People say stuff all the time and it never happens, or it might happen on a different date for whatever reason. Unless you have firm plans set in stone it's unreasonable to expect people to keep dates free just in case imo.

If you are not that close to your sister and have had a difficult relationship....Why are you upset if she does not come to your party?

Presumably though this is a one off opportunity to see this band, whoever they are? Whereas a birthday party is just a party really and not that big a deal in the scheme of things.

If I had a one-off opportunity to see my favourite musical idol on the day of a family event which hadn't actually been arranged yet there's no way I would pass up the opportunity, no matter how close the family member was.

It's just a birthday.

Presumably though this is a one off opportunity to see this band, whoever they are? Whereas a birthday party is just a party really and not that big a deal in the scheme of things

OP says the sister sees the band all the time. And its a big birthday, 50.
If its a big deal to OP, its a big deal. Maybe, even though she obviously knows they aren't close, she didn't realise her sister felt estranged enough to blatantly refuse a party so openly?

Which month is the party, is it soon?

Nothing was booked. Nothing was confirmed. You are not especially close. Sorry but YABU.

seeing your update that you are not close, I'm sorry, but I would just go ahead and have the party without her, she isn't going to mind anyway.

I'm sorry. I will happily come instead and help you plan it! I could do with a new sister myself frankly.

sending a hand hold while we both learn the lesson that apparently we weren't close to our sisters when we thought we were....!

But as yet there is no party. Talking about having a party does not a party make. If the party had already been booked then upset would be more understandable but I wouldn't expect someone to not arrange something on my birthday just because it was my birthday and a party might be a possibility.

Don't let this hang over the entire thing, you'll be miserable then however the party turns out. I understand entirely why it's irksome - but this can easily turn into something to dwell on excessively.

Send invites to everyone. She can make her own mind up.

And whatever happens don't let it become a pointscoring thing! Get started on planning your cocktail menu. Get a pinata. Hire a crazy band. Get everyone tipsy and dancing. Let your hair down.

It'll get back to her that y'all had a blast :) for everyone who comes, focus on why it's great that that particular person is there - and tell them so!! Get everyone mixing and talking. Tell outrageous anecdotes, some of which are true. Guaranteed everyone's laughing, guaranteed great party.

Gosh, thanks for all the thoughtful replies.

If I'm honest, maybe TheStoic has hit the nail on the head. I am upset about the principle of the thing, rather than missing my sister's company. There is a fundamental difference between my sister and I in that, sometimes in life, I think you have to grit your teeth and do things you don't really want to do, to keep the peace, keep others happy, because it seems politic to do so. Prime examples are husband's office Christmas do's and MILs. I go to my husband's office Christmas drinks thing and spend time with my (mildly irritating but OK) MIL, not because I desperately want to but because it makes other people happy that I make the effort. My sister refuses to do either of those things on the basis of "why should I?" as it's not something she would enjoy doing. Therein lies the gulf between us. I would go to my sister's birthday party because she's my sister, it would be expected and I'm a people-pleaser. She's not. As I said, chalk and cheese.

I think this is more about me feeling upset that my sister and I aren't close than anything to do with the party.

I hereby adopt Lorelei76 as my new virtual sister and will enjoy my as yet unplanned party whatever.

Thanks all, knew Mumsnet would sort my head out!