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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel so bad that I didn't intervene?

49 replies

CantChoose · 22/01/2017 07:31

I was shopping yesterday and saw the tail end of an altercation. The bit I saw was two ladies telling another lady to 'go home', the lady replied that she was home and that she was born here. One of the two ladies said that didn't matter and again that she should fuck of home, they then walked off.
I'm so upset with myself for not saying anything to them or at the very least approaching the lady to check she was ok.
I didn't see what happened to start it off and I was so shocked that by the time I realised what was going on it felt a bit late and I was embarrassed to approach the lady.
There's nothing I can do now to make up for it really is there? Also, those of you who do react to stuff like that do you always do it? Is it just part of your personality? I wish I was braver!

OP posts:

ontheoutsides · 22/01/2017 08:37

I am an ethnic minority and deal with abuse on a fairly regular basis.

I just don't expect anyone to intervene anymore.

Even huge 6 ft guys won't intervene. In fact people have gathered and watched while I get abused. I don't go out much anymore.

People don't really care I guess

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 22/01/2017 08:39

Iris65

I know what you mean about being a teacher helped. I am also a teacher and have learned to hold my own. I work in a slightly "rough" part of town as well. Some of the parents are people I wouldn't have wanted to pass in a dark alley before but now I joke with them on the playground.

People also tried to bully me as a child because I have red hair. It didn't last long because I was able to hold my own quite effectively. I also had a long rant at a boy in my class because he was mocking me for being ginger, my friend for being Christian and another girl for being anorexic (she was just really skinny). I went off on one, getting louder and louder until the whole class was silently listening to me tearing this boy a new one. When I was done, the teacher carried on with the lesson. The boy asked if she was going to tell me off for interrupting the lesson and she said no because what I said was true and everyone needed to hear it.

MontePulciana · 22/01/2017 08:39

The ones who won't intervene but stand there filming it. Ugh

Crumbs1 · 22/01/2017 08:42

I understand your not reacting and being torn about what to do. I am probably older, almost certainly noisier and definitely more outspoken. It's a huge advantage of age to reach a point where you just say it. I would have intervened as I go with the view that " Evil is when good men do nothing". I have form for sticking my bossy nose in where I have seen mothers losing the plot with a young child and baby in a crowded shopping centre ("I think that's enough now, let me get you a cup of tea"). Where drunken couple are groping each other indecently on public transport (If you want to have sex, please can you go somewhere else as I don't want to watch it?) and breaking up fighting school pupils who were rolling around in front of a crowd on a level crossing. Amazes me that people don't intervene more when something is clearly wrong.

EmbarrassingBaddie · 22/01/2017 08:45

You can still report it to the police.

She may have called police afterwards, in which case you would be an excellent independent witness, or even if she hasn't it will mean that it is recorded as a crime do even if the culprits aren't caught it will be included in the stats for "racist incidents" which imo are important to record.

Original poster

CantChoose · 22/01/2017 08:49

I'm glad I posted as I hadn't heard that advice before about engaging with the person being abused in the way some of you have suggested. I think I would feel fairly safe that way and it seems to work to diffuse the situation.
I'm so sorry for those of you who have had horrible experies or your loved ones have.
ontheoutsides that sounds awful. Did they seem to be gathered in support of the abuser or just kind of curious? I suppose it's impossible to tell and would feel very threatening either way.

OP posts:

user1484226561 · 22/01/2017 08:50

you should have called the police, and told them you had called the police, that is what I 've done in similar circumstances

Original poster

CantChoose · 22/01/2017 08:52

That's a good point embarrassing unfortunately I wouldn't be a very good witness as only saw the back of the ladies' heads as they were walking away from me and I'd only just come through the entrance. And I only saw the end. But I suppose I can confirm that it really did happen.

OP posts:

user1484226561 · 22/01/2017 08:52

I am an ethnic minority and deal with abuse on a fairly regular basis.

I just don't expect anyone to intervene anymore.

Even huge 6 ft guys won't intervene. In fact people have gathered and watched while I get abused. I don't go out much anymore

People don't really care I guess

see what happens when you don't intervene, people are left feeling like this. Its a crime, call the police

ontheoutsides · 22/01/2017 08:56

I really can't keep calling the police when it happens so frequently and keep reporting it all the time

I have done on occasion. Nothing happens. I can only provide a description of the person. No one has ever get arrested or charged as a result of any reports I have made.

EmbarrassingBaddie · 22/01/2017 08:56

Cant - depending on the circumstances seeing the backs of their heads and hearing what they said may be enough. I would really encourage you to report it.

ThaliaLuxurySpa · 22/01/2017 08:57

I care, Outsides. Very much.

It makes me feel utterly disgusted when I hear of experiences such as yours (sadly more common, currently). That you should have your daily life restricted, and be subjected to abuse from ignorant bloody cowards, makes my blood boil.

I'd be really interested to hear how you would prefer me/ any bystander to handle the situation if someone's abusing you. My instincts have always made me verbally challenge them (except once, where it could have escalated into a really physical fight, way too dangerous, and someone had already called the police). But I often wonder if the person themself thinks I did actually do the right thing?

EmbarrassingBaddie · 22/01/2017 08:59

ontheoutsides that maybe the case (although you wouldn't necessarily be told if someone was arrested) but your calls still mean we have an official record of the increase in hate crimes. That can only help to put pressure on the government and police to take the problem seriously.

NavyandWhite · 22/01/2017 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EmbarrassingBaddie · 22/01/2017 09:02

Sorry ontheoutsides I didn't see your previous post stating that you were the victim. In that case of course you would be told of an arrest! I would still really encourage you to report it. I'm sorry that this has happened to you and that the perpetrators aren't being challenged or brought to justice.

FrancisCrawford · 22/01/2017 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BifsWif · 22/01/2017 09:04

I care outside, very much so.

I would not have been able to stand by and do nothing. I have never witnessed such vile behaviour but I have intervened when I saw a man hitting his girlfriend in the street.

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.

BadKnee · 22/01/2017 09:06

OK M and S, two older women does not sound like much of a threat but always be aware of your own safety and the risk of escalating. Plenty of stories where "interveners" have been hurt. Sometime just let it peter out - and if you feel someone has been upset then approach them later as others have said and say something

I stepped in when I saw a girl/woman being harassed by a man one night. Got the rough end of both of their tempers. On another occasion man drove off when I went up to woman and walked with her - but she wasn't exactly grateful. Not always the wise course of action.

ontheoutsides · 22/01/2017 09:08

Did they seem to be gathered in support of the abuser or just kind of curious?

They looked like they were enjoying watching pleased that it wasn't directed at them

butterfly990 · 22/01/2017 09:09

I remember as a child of 9? (nearly 40 years ago) waiting for my brother with my mum outside the scout hut for my brother to finish scouts for the evening. It was a small country town and the police station was across the road but saying that the distance would have been easily 100 metres.

A seriously drunk man was dragging his woman by the hair along the path in front of all the cars. My mum immediately got out of the car and shouted at him to leave the woman alone. He dropped her and shouted at my mum "I am going to hit you". My mum said later that she had judged that he was too drunk to have managed to hit her.

The shocking thing was that not one of the parents got out of the car to help my mum.

I don't recall whether the incident was reported to the police.

If everyone helped someone else in their hour of need the world would be a kinder place.

BadKnee · 22/01/2017 09:15

PS I should say that I still tend to do it!!

And have been helped by it.
Someone said very loudly on a tube "get your hand out of that lady's bag" to a man who was trying to steal my purse. - It stopped him

A man approached me and grabbed me in a dark street - and another man who happened to be sitting in his car, (maybe a minicab driver), turned his headlights on full beam and beeped the horn - the attacker ran.

My son was beaten up by his "classmates" - no one did a thing.

BadKnee · 22/01/2017 09:16

Good on your mum butterfly !

Catlady1976 · 22/01/2017 09:36

Some great advice on here. I would be like you op. I would want to intervene but wouldn't know or freeze. Now I feel more confident in approaching the victim.

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 22/01/2017 11:00

I shouted at a man who was kicking his dog in the the street. I think it was an instinctive thing because I was so shocked. Anyhow, once I did other people joined in.

Also, when a man grabbed me in the street, a woman came out of a shop and started yelling at him to leave me alone, told him she had called the police. He ran off.

I can see why people don't get involved though, not least because when they see something like that it can be so shocking they aren't sure what to do.

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