If I am AIBU pls feel free to slap me round the face with a wet fish. If I am not, can you help me articulate my feelings....

[Mikethenight2good]

My husband is a fantastic cook (not his profession). We host people often, he loves to cook. However I am getting really tired of the other stuff that comes with it. So today for example, we have some family coming for dinner. Pretty informal, people we see often. Hubby has had a tough week and is really under the weather, so today I go to M&S buy lovely food that can be popped in the oven. Hopefully not too much work. (He still wanted the dinner to go ahead). But usually he tends to take up the whole day cooking and he can't possibly help with the children, and actually, it would be helpful if we could all get out from under his feet.

So it comes to early evening and twitching hour(s) commence with our LO and we are in the throws of dinner bath and bed. However, he can't help, as he is prepping for tonight dinner. I question this, but we apparently we need extra stuff on top of the stuff I bought, so he is cooking that.

He has a tendancy to bellow for me from the kitchen like I am his kitchen slave when he needs me for something. It's not what he says it's the way he says it.... I can't really explain this very well..

So after getting the kids to bed and inbetween numerous visits upstairs to settle the baby I am sorting out drinks and I always sort out hubby a drink. We sit down to eat, lots of praise and thanks to hubby for the dinner.
I clear up & sort pudding out, but he has to come and take over. He is quite precious about 'his kitchen' but also there is an element of him that won't let his limelight be shared.

He loves all the attention, I feel like the poor side kick, they leave, he goes to bed. I clear up, load dish washer and clean up kitchen.

I am so fucked of with it. The whole praising him for being such a fantastic, and how lucky I am. For what it's worth, he has barely cooked a thing all week as he is so poorly apparently. It's like the everyday mundane jobs don't do it for him but the really attention seeking high praise ones do.

It is like this week. I had a job interview one evening so hubby has to pick up the children and get them ready for bed. He takes a picture of him snuggled up with the children and puts it on social media with some narrative bed time with daddy. Again lots of gushing praise etc. I do this every night. Every. Fucking. Night. Nope, no parent of the year award here.

I feel I should feel lucky to have him. And I am to a degree. But he is fucking lucky to have me. I do so much for our family, and it's not even recognised or Acknowledged.

So if you have got this far, thank you for reading xx

It seems to be the other way round here.

DH cooks and whoever comes to dinner - whether it's family, friends or one of the kid's friends, they always automatically thank me for the lovely dinner.

It fucks DH right off (understandably), especially when I take the praise and say, "Oh you're welcome. It was nothing"

YANBU though OP. It's not nice to feel unappreciated.

Yanbu I feel your pain.

Dh does most of the cooking here. But he also cleans up after himself. eventually as i firmly believe whoever cooks should also clean. I clean as im going along and cant be doing woth dh's mess at the end. He uses so bloody many pans etc.

The thing is, so many men are really, properly crap that the fact you've got who obviously isn't, he gets more than his fair share of the praise.

There are very few dads I know who cook, so OF COURSE those wives are blown away when one does.

I used to do all the house-cleaning because I worked part-time from home. But my job changed and so did his, and now he's home more than me, so HE does the house cleaning. And he's bloody crap at it. I look at all the spider webs and dust and dirt (which he seems to miss every week), but I talked to a friend about it, and she said that SHE and her DH always make a point of noticing and thanking each other for what they've done. So I stopped 'clocking' the bits he'd missed or done badly, and instead starting saying things like "the hall looks lovely, thank you" etc (p.s. when I cleaned, he never did this for me!) but because I've started noticing and thanking HIM, he has started noticing and thanking ME. So it has kind-of worked out. I still note what he hasn't done or hasn't done well. But not calling him out on it works better for both of our relationships. The house isn't as I would want it, but we're both happier and both feel more appreciated. I think my friend was right!

You are getting upset about nothing. Our society has an odd way of doing this - lavishing false praise on men when everyone knows what really happens. It's all part of social coding and we all go along with the fantasy that everyone knows is not real. Don't get upset and argue about such trivia. People are going out of the front door after a lovely evening and saying " How much fuss do you think he makes?".

Sounds like a twat

BBQ Rules very sexist so don't read if easliy offended funny though
GoDutchGo Avatar
GoDutchGo
Posted 8 years, 7 months ago
BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

copied from - www.hotukdeals.com/misc/bbq-rules-very-sexist-so-don-t-read-183030

Your DH is slacking off on all of the family childcare. In order to indulge his hobby, cooking for friends, which also creates extra grunt work for you (shopping, chopping, cleaning up). Because your guests enjoy their meal he interprets their praise to mean he is going over and above on family duties when the reality is the opposite as the family (ESP you) lose out indulging his whim.

If he did the cooking for guests over and above his share of basic family tasks and without creating extra tasks for his partner he would truly be worthy of praise.

Cooking for friends is a lovely pastime. Shirking your fair share of the chores and adding chores for your partner is extremely selfish. Your happy dinner guests have no clue what's going on behind the scenes here.

The sexist assumption that the woman did the cooking benefits no-one. I am guilty of thanking the wife for a meal prepared by the husband.

And I have also just now realised that I am also guilty of accepting complements on my cooking without crediting DH who does the lion's share of the cleaning up. From now on I'll be saying'thank you, it's a team effort'.

Yanbu

For a start I would have commented on his social media and said "yes, well done darling, doing it for the first time is x number days must have been a struggle".

As for dinner. Point out that it was pre made stuff! If you sit there quietly and let everyone hush over him nothing will change.

You are SO NBU. I felt pissed off just reading that.

TheMadd, that is exactly how bbqs work at my parents' house. Then my dad says every time, 'We should have people round for BBQs more often, Koala'sMum, they're so easy!'

DH once cooked a ham (with much bullshittery) and turned to me ten minutes before people came and asked, "what are we doing for vegetables?" That has been referred to since then as the Glory Ham and is spoken of in hushed tones whenever people gather to praise chefs.

Normally he sous chefs and cleans so he's great. But the Glory Ham was a reminder of how ridiculous this nonsense is.

You have a number of options including:

• let him take all the glory and stew and get mad, then either keep it to yourself or let it all out and be accused of screaming like a banshee
• make comments around the table such as, yes it is nice for dh to take some of the cooking duties once in a while. Turn to dh and say he is so good at it, perhaps he'd consider doing it when you didn't have guests
• talk to him asking him to give you acknowledgements in front of the guests
• post comments on his Facebook when he does the kiddie snuggles - ahhhhh cute, I should go out more often, putting the kids to bed suits you

This would seriously piss me off. But you are enabling him so need to own your part in this skewed dynamic.

TheMaddHugger : I love your BBQ rules. They are so true. Like I'm supposed to be grateful because I've had a night off?

To be fair, dh is a very good bbq'er, never burning, and he is a good cook and does cook and does most of the washing up, most nights.

But he does treat me like I've had an evening off when he BBQ's, but I have actually done all the rest that this article states!!

Thank you everyone. I know need to find a way to articulate it without sounding like a spoilt brat. The BBQ post made me laugh, I might use that.

He is definitely a glory hunter. Imissgranny, funny enough I think I would give more praise and thanks if he does back. I just don't think he would be thankful back & would result in massaging his ego. But he just doesn't even acknowledge my contribution to our household. Take laundry for example, he just leaves the dirty laundry on the floor and it magically appears in his water washed and ironed.Many a time I have told him to use the laundry basket. Does it a couple of times and then back to the old ways. For what it's worth, since the new year, if it's not in the laundry basket it doesn't get washed. Last week I collected it in a bag and when he wonders where is washing is, I will present him the bag. . However I have noticed I criticise him alot. I point out when something hasn't been done. Eg He takes ages to do a admin task "oh I forgot" gets said alot.

He will happily have the children, and perfectly competent. But he acts like he is father of the year.

You could be writing about my exH. I remember arguing about who would cook Christmas dinner one year for both sets of parents. I did all the tedious nightly dinners for kids that no one noticed but he wanted to waltz into the kitchen and take over and get all the glory for cooking Christmas dinner 'hiding' behind his culinary skills whilst I had to entertain everyone.
I also knew that afterwards I'd have both sets of parents telling me how lucky I was when it was me who did all the day to day endless drudgery of cleaning, washing, shopping, children's bedtimes and cooking family dinner every bloody night of the week and that no one noticed or cared about because it was 'my job'. Drove me nuts and that general attitude of his led to our demise.
It's a gendered pattern that I see in all walks of life including the workplace.

I have this with a relative I know, although wrt cleaning. Her husband does all the cleaning and all she hears from our family is how lucky she is. Well as it happens I agree her dh shouldn't be doing it all - they both work FT so should share it - but actually no-one would say how lucky he was if she did it all, and that really pisses me off.

Glory cook! I have one of those but at least he acknowledged it and makes sure that he cooks for the family at least once a week. It's irritating but we can laugh about it.

But if he's made that much fucking mess and bellows up to you like theniifchen skivvy then he needs to do the clear up and have a word with himself.

Oh I have written down the division of labour, but I have never shared it with him. I don't think I would mind as much but he doesn't fucking acknowledge any of it!

Ugh! Yanbu. He sounds like an arse. You'll have to have a serious talk. If that doesn't yield results then an open letter in the comments of one of his Facebook posts.

Argh! This irritates me reading this. How aggravating for you.

The shouting from another room thing, DH and I were both guilty of this, yet both hated it! When you're in the middle of something it is easy just to yell, but it's very rude! Anyway we agreed that if you need to say something someone then you find them. Works well now as when our kids started to do it, we could be smug and say "you don't hear mum and dad hollering at each other from separate rooms!".

Entertaining for glory is shite, my DH can be like that, we moved early last year and the new house is set up perfectly to entertain, our kids are young and it was getting too much for me, having a constant stream of people and trying to run a house and a family, thankfully after a talk (rant) with DH he saw it from my point of view and it has calmed down now.

Glory hunting on social media is ugly as it is, even more so if it's untrue! I'd have to pull him up on it and make him feel a wally for lying for likes!

I think that you should play him at his own game. Arrange another dinner party and say to him 'Actually I'd really like to cook this time as you usually do it' and make sure you cook something impressive (so you get lots of praise) and fiddly (so it takes a lot of time in the kitchen) while he looks after the children and cleans up afterwards.

If he moans, then it's time to point out that it's usually the other way around. If he doesn't moan, say to him 'I enjoyed that! Can we take it in turns to be the cook from now on?' and see what he says.

My dp said to me last week " I've done YOUR dishes for you " excuse me? My dishes?

He is definitely a people pleaser op, make sure you are the person he pleases most though, you need to talk to him.

Oh and articulating your feelings, perhaps next time he mentions to you about hosting a dinner, you can say to him that you'd like to cook? And can he sort kids, shopping, help around the kitchen and do the final tidy up? If he has a horrified look on his face the penny might have dropped.