So annoyed at myself - I still allow him to make me feel AWFUL about myself! Someone please come and talk some sense into me!

[ChaffinchGreen]

Just over 10years ago I finished a four year relationship with a narcissistic, arrogant and extremely vain individual. He had some good points of course but these seemed to diminish as the relationship went on. He had the ability to make me feel awful about myself, awful about the way I looked, my weight, my figure, the way I spoke, the things I found important, etc. He constantly criticized me and used to say it was his job 'to keep me grounded and make sure I didn't get above myself' which translated as ensuring I had zero confidence. Then I was a nice size 10, and actually when I look back at photos I think I looked pretty good! I left him in the end as I felt he was destroying me and holding me back (he wouldn't allow me to pursue studying). Fast forward to now, I am very, very happy with my life. I'm married to the most wonderful man, we have two beautiful children, I pursued my dream job after I left ex and alongside this got a PhD and now am quite senior in my field. I have however gained some weight and do look older of course (made worse by two children who seem to be allergic to sleep!). But I am comfortable with me and who I am.
I bumped into ex today, I'd literally thrown on warm baggy clothes to take my boys out, I had brushed hair at least but no make up, but I felt comfortable. I saw him and it was as if ten years of confidence building melted away. He was with a much younger woman (he's mid 40s now (he was quite a bit older than me!)) and she must have been early 20s. Very beautiful girl and they had a very young baby with them. He said hello but literally looked me up and down with disgust. He said 'I'd changed a lot', I commented on their beautiful baby and honest to god his response was 'yes and doesn't xx [his girlfriend] look fantastic when the baby is only 8 weeks old'. I just felt suddenly frumpy, ugly, fat (I'm now a size 14) and just wanted to get out of there.
I'm so cross with myself, but still feel like crying. In all logic this man is quite frankly an arsehol (and I don't like swearing!), I have everything that matters in life, I have a great life... why oh why can someone drag me down so much on superficial judgments which don't matter!!!

Ds1 must have picked up on it as we walked off he said 'that man didn't seem like a very kind man'. I was literally holding back my tears.

Big respect for you, OP - as unpleasant as the encounter was, you handled it with dignity. My God, the poor new GF! Sounds like he has total mind-control over her already. What a vile person, he is. In fact, he makes me shudder. Your dear little boy nailed it! Hold your head up - you found the strength to break free from this hideous mental abuse. Well done, you!

You are bringing up two lovely young men who would never dream of treating a woman the way your ex treated you. That is is the greatest response you could ever have to him.You have a great life, a lovely husband, a fabulous career and you are helping to populate the world with decent human beings. He does not matter. You and your brilliant family do.

Be proud, be happy and have fun with your boys.

Thank you all, I do feel much better about it now. DH was annoyed, not particularly at me, but because he knew ex and thought he was idiot back then, so wasn't too impressed I was upset by it. All lovely to me just a bit irritated at ex. He reminded me how when we first got together I was so anxious after went out socially and would always ask him had I been ok, had I upset him, etc. Ex used to constantly tell me how I'd embarrassed him in one way or another. This reminded me of actually how cross and strong I'd felt when I left him, so sort of kicked my feelings today back into reality!

Thank goodness. It sounds like you fell back into the old dynamic for a moment! You did a good thing when you got away from him before.

You know what ? That great looking gf might well be wishing she was you . You got away and have a great and happy life . And she , well she has ... him.

Know who I'd rather be !

That poor woman!

I would rather your life than hers, she probably feels just as horrible as you did when you were with him but not as strong as you were to leave him.
I don't even want to think about how he might affect his poor child!

It is really abnormal to be back to pre-baby body so quickly. It needs special help, trainer, special diet, probably night nanny at least so you can do it safely. Even then I would have my doubts. She could easily be looking at osteoporosis and other health problems if she simply went for it. And no 14 is not fat!

A reminder that you're better off without this bastard. He's obviously very insecure about himself if he feels the need to belittle others. Pity the girl he's now with!!

That poor girl. He'll grind her down to nothing and she may not find it so easy to leave if she has a child by him.

Even if she does eventually see the light, she faces at least 18 years of contact with him.

Anyway, no regrets OP. How did he look physically?

OP, you sound great.

Reading your post, the first thing I thought was:

"What a sad, desperate, weak, insecure little man that ex must be."

Look at this way. This man was so lacking in charm and confidence that the only way he could feel good about himself in your relationship was by bullying you and making you feel like shit. He stopped you from studying because he knew you were cleverer than him and he couldn't handle it. He picked on your appearance because he couldn't deal with the fact that you were clearly way out of his tragic league.

You left him, because you were stronger and smarter than him and you had the courage and strength to walk out of a situation despite the way he'd worn you down. He'd never have had that courage.

Ten years later, this pathetic man saw you happily walking confidently along with your gorgeous little boys, totally carefree, and because he is a sad little creep, is still bitter that you left him and that you have the upper hand. That's why he was nasty to you, and that's why he had to make that weird comment about his poor girlfriend, who was doubtless utterly mortified by the whole thing. He can't handle the fact that you're happy and successful and have a lovely husband and gorgeous kids - and all without him.

In short, you are absolutely awesome; he's a sad little tosser who will never be happy.

He'll probably go home and snivel into his pillow while his girlfriend (who I feel massively sorry for) is running on a treadmill trying to lose the last ounce of baby weight.

When I was very young I had a similar relationship with a man who ground me down by undermining my confidence, picking at my appearance, constantly criticising me etc, and I know what a horrible effect it can have; it took me years to get over it. You have done so brilliantly well to get away from this prick and get on with your life. You are infinitely better than him in every conceivable way (and he knows it).

What an absolute flange. Wow.

You look different? You probably do in a confident, shackle-free way. I bet that got under his skin....

Him? He's still a cunt.