To ask how I accept I made this stupid decision

[chasingrainbows27]

When I was younger and naive I made the stupid decision to follow my abusive ex to a polytechnic university rather than my good place at a top 10.

I was incredibly shy and low in self confidence as a teenager and now I am a totally different person. I would never have done this had I been me now, then.

Now it is 5 years since I graduated and I regret this decision so much. I didn't meet many like minded people there (largely due to his influence) and now I've moved to a big city and I don't know anyone and I feel so lonely. I so want my life to have followed the traditional path of university - friends - meet husband - great career but it just hasn't been that way. I didn't meet lifelong friends or a partner at university and I can't say it hasn't impacted on my career.

I've done ok for myself but can't stop wondering what if. I'm also now single and look around at lots of couples who seem similarly matched in terms of education etc and I'm worried I'm going to end up alone forever.

How can I come to terms with this stupid decision and accept the influence it has had on my life?

Gosh you have your whole ahead of you. I only started uni when I was thirty. Do you like what you studied? Could you study it further?

I think you have slightly mills and boons view of life. You really shouldn't be making life-decisions based on the type of man you hope to marry.

We are all human and imperfect, and we all make mistakes. You know why you made that mistake and you know you would not do the same thing again. You have learnt a very valuable lesson - not to follow sheep-like in the steps of another. Make your own decisions based on as much fact as you can find and choose according to your head and not your heart.

That sets you up nicely for the future.

Duh "you have your whole life ahead of you"

You have your whole life ahead of you!

You need to let go of this and look forward, not back.

What's stopping you from making new friends and meeting new peolple NOW? That's what to concentrate on, not what happened years ago. You never know, you could have had a terrible uni experience at a different uni.

So you're 27? I would accept that you made a mistake, and start again. Either go back and do the BA/BSc you were going to do, or do a second BA/BSc in something very similar, just to get you back to square one - or, if you can, do a master's at an RG uni.

As you say, you have so much more confidence now and probably a lot of life skills that 20 year olds don't have (cooking, looking after yourself, study skills, social skills). You will catch up.

Admissions tutors are quite used to mature students who have screwed up in some way, and often it is a plus, because those students are more motivated.

God I did exactly the same thing OP. I got four As in my a-levels but still followed my ex to his sub-par choice of university. We split at the end of the first year. Twenty years on, I still wish I could shake my 18-year-old self. But I'm married to a lovely, lovely man (who has no degree, or a-levels), have a great career, four fab kids and am really happy. Who knows where I'd be now if I hadn't followed this path in life?

Don't have regrets. There simply no point. You could have gone to Oxford and been run over by a bus in the first term, eh?

As a PP suggested, why not sign up for a masters? It will give you an opportunity to have the RG experience and a second chance at meeting like-minded people.

to be honest, I finished universtiy, worked in the city for a year, then left. No contact with anyone from those times. (was early 90's so no facebook etc).

Can't say it really adversely affected my life. I knew at the time that real life was not like episodes of Friends..

I also came on to say about doing a masters. I went to a not great uni (f'd up a levels) but then did a masters at a v good uni and I feel so much better for it! The masters has defo also helped get me jobs.

Also maybe see if your employers would pay for further qualifications?

If I hadn't been married to ex dh for 16 years things could have been a lot different but not necessarily better!!! Our experiences mould and shape us into what we are today, you can't keep looking back and going over all the what ifs...............
You can't change the past - leave it behind you, move on.

I so want my life to have followed the traditional path of university - friends - meet husband - great career but it just hasn't been that way.

I honestly don't think it is the traditional path. Some people are lucky and meet the love of their life at University, but lots don't. I can't think of one of my university friends who is with someone they met while there. And yes, you might meet some lifelong friends while at university, but you're not likely to see much of them once you've left. I see much more of the friends I met through having children. As for the brilliant career - maybe, if you are lucky and very focused, but I bet lots of graduates end up in jobs which don't actually require a degree.

Honestly, the undergraduate years can be amazing or not, irrespective of whether you go to a RG university. It depends on the people you find yourself with, how you like your course, what the accommodation is like, who you end up sharing with in years 2/3 (not always a fairy tale setup!) If you're lucky enough to find your bubble, it rarely lasts beyond graduation and I know lots of people whose experience of university life didn't match up to their (unrealistic?) expectations.

Please don't regret 'missing' what never really existed other than in your imagination. Go and find your bubble now, op - it's out there!

You are still very young, OP - I didn't even go to university until I was rather older than you!

If you feel you have missed out on the education experience you wanted, and didn't fulfil your potential, can you look at a Masters in your field? It's a shorter time commitment (though very hard work) and it might make you feel you've moved on, as well as giving you a very good solid extra qualification.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself. I suspect you are very down on yourself not as a result of anything you've done, or because of what you are, but because of the effects your horrible ex had on your self-esteem. You got away from him - well done.

My dh also has nothing other than gcse's but is just the best manager, incredibly bright, and the most quick witted person. Many people say the same about him.

Plus I have a BA and an MA. And he earns double what I do!!

So university is not the be all and end all.

As a now 50 year old looking back on my twenty something self, I can think of several instances when I could give that twenty-something a good shake and ask her what the hell she thought she was doing. Decisions I made when with hindsight I either needed to do the opposite or to change nothing at all. Etc....

It is pointless though, as others have said. Our life experiences from the past, including any mistakes, make us who we are now.

Accept it. You can't change it. Be much kinder to yourself than you are currently being. You cannot possibly know for sure what life at the other uni would have been like, though as some have suggested, you could apply to do a Masters there and still have some of the experience.

I seem to be in the minority here in that I did meet DH at uni. However, very few of our married friends met their husbands or wives at uni. In fact, I can't think of any who did at all off the top of my head.

Accept yourself and who you are. Move forward on that basis.

Don't look backwards, you're not going that way

Instead of regretting what you did, I think you should look at what you want and focus on what you need to do to get it. That's a more positive thing than thinking about what might have been and is much more likely to lead to improvements in your life.

I have an Oxford first. My career's in the shitter and I met my husband in a place that had nothing to do with education. He's not got a degree and he's easily as smart as I am, with much more earning power.

Onward and upward, OP. Time's on your side.

I've been to loads of weddings in the last couple of years as all our friends approach 40, so don't start worrying about that side of your life for now.
I only went to one wedding for a couple who met at Uni and they did it all properly, waiting to move in together until married, big expensive wedding then split up a year later when they found outside of Uni they had nothing in common.
You are very young and probably quite mature for your age after what you have been through so now you k ow what you want from life.
Get a job where there is potential to work your way up,qualifications mean nothing if a person doesn't have a work ethic, in another 5 years you will be where you are due to your talents rather than just being judged on your cv.
Also sort out your social life by doing two of three things per week that you enjoy, gym, swimming, pub quiz or whatever takes your fancy. Think about a professional qualification too.
Fill your life up, be happy and you will have loads to offer when you bump into someone nice.
The last wedding I went to was for a shy geeky bloke who met a similar girl in a coffee queue.

I think the fact you were in an abusive relationship points to the low esteem you acknowledge. You may think that is in the past but it comes across very strongly that you are still in that mindset. People don't make good relationships because they went to the same standard of university and are exactly matched but because they have a mutual attraction and values.

You are using the 'what ifs' and ex partner as excuses for what's not right in your life instead of tackling issues like self worth and self esteem.

Maybe get some counselling or therapy to get you out of your negative mindset.

We all make mistakes.

Ww all make decisions based on available information. In retrospect we can go "WHY???" But at the time it made sense. Having said that it is great that you have learned the valuable lesson comparatively early that your own prospects are worth prioritising. I think lots of people feel a bit disoriented when they leave uni. I certainly found myself in a new town and friendless and wondering if I had made a big mistake but in time I made friends found a husband and 2 cats and 17 years on we are still together. Well. Me and the husband. Cats long since carked it. So don't beat yourself up. Be proud of your achievements and hopeful of what is to come.