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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..to be upset that XP took DS to hospital without telling me?

20 replies

Janos · 24/02/2007 09:41

OK, some backgorund - XP and I have been seperated for 18 months and we share joint custody of DS. He stays with each of us 3 or 4 nights a week. DS is 2 and a half.

Anyway, on Wednesday night, I received an agitated phone call at 11.30 from XP. He told me that DS had had an accident and been taken to hospital; XP has fire doors in his flat - one of them slammed shut on DS' hand and caused a nasty injury to his little finger.

I didn't say anything at the time because XP was so distraught but I was very upset he didn't contact me to let me know at the time; he even told me that DS was 'crying for mummy'; you can imagine how that made me feel.

I wasn't doing anything (moot point - even if I was I would have dropped it to be with DS). And if the situation was reversed I would have made every effort possible to contact XP.

So, what is the best way to approach this with XP?

OP posts:

Original poster

Janos · 24/02/2007 09:41

Just to add, DS is fine and there shouldn't be any scarring to his hand.

OP posts:

MrsBigD · 24/02/2007 09:44

glad to hear your lo will be fine. Maybe xp just was too much in shock to call you straight away? I know when our ds had a nasty fall, all I could think off was 'get help' everything else was irrelevant.

I can see why you are upset, it is very distressing when your lo gets hurt. As to how to address it with your xp... just ask him calmly why he didn't call you straight away and see what he says

WideWebWitch · 24/02/2007 09:46

I think you should leave it. It wasn't life threatening (if it had been he should have called you imo), he acted swiftly and then called you. He is his father and he dealt with it, quite rightly, I think daddy is as good as mummy in situations like this tbh. I don't know that you would have done anything differently if the situation was reversed, you'd have probably just got to the hospital asap and dealt with it too.
And your dp feels bad enough by the sound of it, you shouldn't add any more guilt to that.

WideWebWitch · 24/02/2007 09:47

My ex dh has our ds every other weekend btw and I'd have been happy with his calling me after the event had I been in this situation.

Saturn74 · 24/02/2007 09:48

I would have wanted to know at the time, and go to the hospital if possible.
I'm glad your DS is fine now.

Original poster

Janos · 24/02/2007 09:50

Thanks MrsBigD I can understand that; it was just so awful the thought of DS being distressed and me not being there to comfort him.

TBH it's probably distressed me (and his Dad)a lot more than DS. I took him to the doctors yesterday to have his stitches looked and he was so brave.

OP posts:

SueW · 24/02/2007 09:51

I can understand how you feel but once you get to the hospital there is no opportunity to contact anyone since you can't leave a child unattended in casualty and, as others have said, he probably was so anxious beorehand just getting him there.

Original poster

Janos · 24/02/2007 09:53

Yes WWW thinking about it rationally you are right. XP is a great dad (despite our differences)and I trust him implicitly with DS.

I know he's feeling bad about the accident and I don't want to make him feel worse.

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MrsBigD · 24/02/2007 09:53

at 'distressed xp and me more'... you are so right... when the ambulance came for ds I felt really silly because it wasn't all that serious. HOwever the ambulance driver was o.k. with it and said 'in cases like this it's 10% injury and 90% parent panic'

As for you feeling bad for not being there to comfort him. I'm sure xp did his best to comfort him, but I know it makes you feel so helpless

nikkie · 24/02/2007 14:46

I would have wanted to know straight away too. And when dd1 had an accident a couple of years ago I made sure xh knew when we were going to hospital.Phoned ambulance, phoned mam to look after dd2, phoned xh then ambulance arrived.

NAB3 · 24/02/2007 14:47

His priority was to get the child to hospital and stay with him, not ring you the second it happened. If he hadn't got him to hospital immediately they may have been permanent scarring or damage.

Miaou · 24/02/2007 14:52

I can see why you are upset Janos - but I guess it would have been difficult for your xp to call you anyway - as soon as the accident happened, he presumably took your ds straight to casualty, and once in the hospital you can't use a mobile - so the only way for him to contact you would have involved delaying getting your ds seen.

It's instinctive to want to either a) be there at the time or b) be there asap if your child is hurt. But I think your xp did the right thing - and presumably called you as soon as he could (ie he obviously didn't leave it until the next day).

You could ask him for more details - particularly whether he had an opportunity to ring you earlier - but tbh I wouldn't make a big deal of it. HTH.

Original poster

Janos · 26/02/2007 18:05

"His priority was to get the child to hospital and stay with him, not ring you the second it happened"

I do realise that NAB3, there's no need to be quite so rude; I'm not a spoilt brat throwing a strop because I didn't get my own way. I was worried about my son.

Anyway, thanks to all for your responses - DS is recovering well and is just about back to his rambunctious little self

OP posts:

RubyRioja · 26/02/2007 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Janos · 26/02/2007 20:04

Of course you are right Ruby.

NAB, sorry if I overreacted to your perfectly reasonable comment. It's just harder to see it all logically when you are caught up in it emotionally.

Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:

RubyRioja · 26/02/2007 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Judy1234 · 26/02/2007 22:36

Depends on the damage. If one of the children were dying or important decisions being taken like whether to amputate a leg or operate I would want to be party to those decisions. If it was "just" the door thing then not quite so important to call. He probably felt guilty he'd let it happen so unlikely to be very keen to tell you anyway.

edam · 26/02/2007 22:47

I'd have a chat with him and make it clear that if he has to take your ds for urgent medical attention ever again, he has to let you know as soon as he possibly can.

I'd be concerned, in your shoes, that he left it so late to call you. Of course the first thing is to get to the doctor but once you've done that you can contact the other parent - and many hospitals do actually let you use mobiles these days. All he had to do was ask.

(Ds had a similar injury a few months ago - while with his nanny. She managed to call me after seeing a first aider and while on her way to the doctors. I know nanny doesn't equal parent but it shows that it is possible to contact the child's other primary carer in a similar situation.)

Skribble · 26/02/2007 22:58

Very difficult to use a mobile in A&E and can't use moblie while driving and difficult to use while holding a distraught child.

TBH would you have felt better having your child screaming down the phone while DH trying to explain what happened.

It may be true that as males can only deal with one thing his priority was dealing with son and not phoning you.

Sorry but I would give DH a break and accept he di what he thought was right.

Bucketsofdynomite · 27/02/2007 17:24

I wouldn't automatically phone my DH (or Ex if he was one) unless it was visibly bad or I had other childcare probs or needed support myself. I don't think there's any point worrying someone until you've useful news or are going to be there a while.

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