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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To complain about this man?

41 replies

JungleInTheRumble · 20/01/2017 08:51

I was at a networking event yesterday evening and came across a very unpleasant man. On giving him my business card he swore and laughed in quite a nasty way about either my job title or my line of work (I wasn't quite sure). He was overly familiar, putting his arm around me at one point and quite frankly rude (I think he must have been drunk).

Would I be unreasonable to email the company he works for? He gave me his company business card so technically he was there as their representative...I was planning on emailing them but not giving the guys name, just a general feedback "brief your staff how to behave at a corporate networking event".

So...AIBU??

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 20/01/2017 09:56

how many men would make a complaint because another man laugh and swore?

EliCon · 20/01/2017 10:00

I think that whetever happened should have been resolved on the spot. What kind of reaction do you want from his company? If he is a professional and well-established there, they will just dismiss it. I do agree that he was likely drunk and perhaps is an arse, but that is none of your problem at this point.

Niskayuna · 20/01/2017 10:04

The networking events I've attended have very strongly worded codes of conduct, and any one of those acts would have been cause to alert an attendant. Unwanted physical contact, swearing at others, it's all in the documentation. Consequently I've felt very safe at them, knowing where to go if there are any issues and, more importantly, the organisers have already made it quite clear that it's unacceptable and therefore we don't have to put up with being accused of "telling tales" or indulging in "complaint culture" like in this thread.

If some people like to be sworn at and touched by aggressive drunks, fine. Freedom of choice and all that. However the perpetrator still deserves to be informed that their behaviour is not going to be tolerated by civilised people.

itsmine · 20/01/2017 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dragongirl10 · 20/01/2017 10:23

Could you not have accidentally stamped your stilleto on his foot?

Original poster

JungleInTheRumble · 20/01/2017 10:28

I'm so bad at confronting these things head on. It's not as easy as saying "just say something at the time". Not so much on topic but I've been assaulted a few times before on public transport and every time afterwards I can think of all the things to do and say but at the time I just freeze. I can't see how to get past this so I just avoid putting myself in a situation where it could happen. I could have used this as a less threatening "practice run" but I still apparently lose all backbone in the heat of the moment...

OP posts:

Original poster

JungleInTheRumble · 20/01/2017 10:30

I probably won't voice my annoyance to anyone. I'm not so bothered about his or his company's opinion of me but I care about the society that put on the event and don't want them to think badly of me.

OP posts:

SomewhereOutThere · 20/01/2017 10:32

how many men would make a complaint because another man laugh and swore?

Questions are important, but they do need to be the right question. I would consider this one to be more pertinent: How many men are on the receiving end of unwanted touching, being laughed at and sworn at in a professional setting?

My husband never has been, and we work in the same industry! Whereas for me it happened a lot, at the stage of my career where I was dependant on networking. Don't have to do so much of it now, thank God.

SomewhereOutThere · 20/01/2017 10:33

Jungle Why would the hosts of the event think badly of you, love? The person who bullied you was at fault. Not you.

Original poster

JungleInTheRumble · 20/01/2017 10:35

Somerville male dominated, quite old fashioned...

OP posts:

itsmine · 20/01/2017 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerOtherHalf · 20/01/2017 10:45

As to what I could have done to handle it better? I'm not sure. To begin with I tried to gloss over his rudeness and do the standard chit chat you get at these kind of events. When he put his arm around me I tried to move away. When he persisted I made my excuses and left...

To quote my wife in a similar situation with an obnoxious drunk a few years ago:

"If you don't take your hand off me right now, I'm going to break your fucking fingers".

Fortunately he did, because she would have.

ImperialBlether · 20/01/2017 10:50

Yes, but not everyone reacts in the same way. The OP has said she's had a problem in the past when people have touched her and she's frozen - that is quite a normal response and it's not helpful to say you or your wife would react differently and that that is the right thing to do.

OP, I think I would make the complaint. I would say "a member of your staff" and if they want to know who, they will be in touch. Why give him the right to behave like that?

HerOtherHalf · 20/01/2017 11:08

Why is it not helpful? If you want to just assume that she can never develop the strength to stand up for herself then I would say you are the one doing her a disservice. I am well aware of the various responses to fear. This sounds more like she was reluctant to make a fuss than being afraid for her safety. If she takes your steer she will continue to have to rely on complaining after the fact and accept being pawed or groped by anyone that feels so inclined.

madparent1 · 20/01/2017 11:51

I would like to hear the other persons perspective.

A man you approached to give your business card to was immediately rude. He swore at you and laughed in a nasty manner (and may have been drunk). I think that is the point at which this persons behaviour should have been challenged. At that point perhaps it would also have been wise to make your excuses and move away to speak with other delegates, negating the overly familiar physical contact you encountered later. There is always something a person can do to mitigate such circumstances.

Swearing at someone, laughing in a nasty way, (belittling a title) and putting a drunk arm around a stranger in an over-familiar manner is unacceptable behaviour. This type of behaviour can and does happen to both genders though.

As none of us were actually there and as we have not heard (Mr. Very Unpleasant) the other parties version/perception of events I do not think anyone can say if you are BU in this particular matter. We have no context etc.

Emailing a complaint is not in itself unreasonable and if you want to do that, that is perfectly within your rights and acceptable.

If someone emailed me (to complain about someone's actions) I would automatically want to hear from that person in order to deal effectively with the incident(s). So back to the top, I would like to hear from the other person.

faithinthesound · 20/01/2017 19:03

Too often, people like this become "the squeaky step" (thank you, Captain Awkward) in companies - higher ups know there's an issue, but they're either too busy or too lazy or too ill equipped to do anything about it. Therefore people in that company become accustomed to working around the person - grow accustomed to skipping/treading carefully on the squeaky step, to continue the analogy.

What actually needs to happen, is the squeaky step needs to be repaired or replaced. But human nature is too often to just avoid the problem. "This is fine," we say we perform contortion on par with the circus just to avoid the step, because we don't want to/aren't able to/can't be bothered fixing the step.

Maybe, as a PP suggested, an external complaint will be the impetus his company needs to take measures towards fixing that step.

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