Not to allow Ds to be ring bearer?

[hellooscar]

My partner brother is getting married in may this year.
They have asked that are DS (1) there ring bearer at the time I was happy with this and agreed.
Other Christmas we stayed with the in-laws and partner brother was also there. Other the period of three weeks the brother was spiteful towards are DS on two occasions.
On both occasions he did the same thing which made DS cry and then laughed at him.
I may be overreacting but it has really annoyed to the extent that I don't even want to be in the same room as the brother (haven't seen him since).
I don't particularly want to go to the wedding at the moment but feel like we upset other family members that haven't done anything wrong. This is due to other stuff that has been going on for last year. A lot of really petty behaviour.
So how do I go about saying that DS won't be there ring bearer?

[Spookle]

This that Bakeoff said. BIL sounds like a knob. Anyone that thinks an upset and distressed child is amusing needs their head read.

Just say you've had second thoughts, when you agreed he wasnt as mobile. Now he's running around he cant be trusted with the ring, or to be where he's supposed to be. That should do it!

[ohtheholidays]

He sounds like a fucking psycho,you didn't overreact OP I think you undereacted and your baby's Dad walked out of the room!?

I wouldn't even be going to the wedding let alone letting him anywhere near one of my DC.

[Hoppinggreen]

Tell uncle knobhead its a no
If you what to dress it up say it's because you are worried DS is too little and will spoil the day. My nephew was 2 when we got married and kept yelling " uncle (DH) - what are you doing?" During the ceremony before running full pelt into the table where the registrar was sitting and almost knocking himself out. He then went outside, crawled under a bench and gut covered in dog poo.
I didn't mind but it didn't make for a solem occasion!!

[Foxysoxy01]

How very strange Uncle is do you think he might be mentally disabled in someway? It sounds like a very odd thing to do.

I would definitely pull out it sounds like it would be a nightmare and probably put too much pressure on your DS.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

One of my pet peeves is adults who teach children terrible lessons about force, coercion and consent. Someone bigger than you can trap you until you cry? For fun? And then you have to be kind to them? No way would DD be involved in their wedding after that.

[PollytheDolly]

How old is this brother? 5?

[BackforGood]

I don't get why you didn't say something to him at the time he upset your ds in the first place
It needn't have been confrontational, you could have just explained that he was too young to understand that sort of teasing / game yet, and asked him nicely not to do it again. You didn't, so the brother didn't learn anything other than that you were fine with it.

Obviously no 18month old is going to be able to be a ring bearer anyway - so there's your answer, but for sensible reasons, not because the man misjudged a situation that you then didn't help him to learn from.

[MontePulciana]

I'd have said something immediately and DH would have gone ballistic. That was your baby being terrified by a scary adult. He sounds like he has problems this guy. Keep your son away from him please. Poor kid

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

I totally agree mrsterry
Why did you not intervene? I would have barged in and picked my child up. It's totally out of order.

I think about the ring-bearer thing I would just say your DS is too tantrumy at the moment and you dont want it to spoil the wedding, then avoid the bloke like the plague.

[Lireal]

The brother sounds like a bully. I would not allow any unsupervised contact with your ds in future. Definately say something next time something like this happens. It's your job to protect your ds, not mediate dp and brothers relationship. Why on earth didn't dp say anything?
My 2.9yo ds would be too young for ring bearer. He would be running about all over the place, under chairs, etc. He would probably chuck the ring across the church. We sit at the back near the exit, with ds on our knee at ceremonies.

[Pineappletastic]

I'd have gone spare. I quite often have sharp words with people being silly with our dog, never mind my child.

Just tell him no. Use age if it helps keep the peace. In future, if you let him near your child at all, speak up if he starts doing something cruel.

[hellooscar]

I didn't say anything the first time as I assumed him crying was enough for anyone to know he didn't like it and not to do it again. I also picked him up and took him away. The second time I wasn't around or I would've said something.
The brother is 30 so old enough to understand he had upset him.
We will be telling him he's two young and that he won't be happy walking up the aisle.
He won't be going near the brother again I haven't seen him since it happened.

[hellooscar]

It does make me really angry thinking about it and if I had been there the second time I would've also had a go at him.
I was also annoyed at my partner as he didn't say anything. He has now agreed to speak to him about it.

[HappyFlappy]

Bullying a BABY?!

Really?!

What a shit!

This was a cruel and frightening thing to do to a small child. I wouldn't let him near my baby again and I would tell the nasty bastard why if he asked. It's got nothing to do with "not being used to children" and "not liking children" - I don't like monkeys but I wouldn't torment one! It's got everything to do with him being a bully! Don't let him get away with it.

Even if he hadn't realised that his behaviour was innapropriate, he will have seen how upset your DS was. If he doesn't like children, why dd he not just keep away from where the little 'un was playing, rather than going over and intimidating him?

Can you imagine how frightening it must be to be penned in a corner by an unfriendly creature twelve times your size? One you don't know and whose behaviour you can't predict?

The man is a tosser - don't have anything more to do with him than you absolutely have to. If family members complain tell them that he frightened your DS and now the child won't come near him.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

I wouldn't say DS is too young, I'd be telling the git that he is a nasty bastard who deliberately upset my child & ignored him until now & pushes him away if approached. He can fuck off with using DS to make his wedding photos look good. DS & I wouldn't be going to the wedding & I'd tell everyone why.

Your DP is being an arse & needs to 'man up', he's willing to allow his child to be treat badly & used, to keep the peace. Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

I hope this is a wind up actually.

[MammyNeedsASpaDay]

My daughter was asked to be a flower girl for my friend (I no longer have contact with.)

As ex friend got more Bridezilla-y before the time I decided this wasn't a good idea as she is quite shy and in a room full of people where she would only know the bride and her own parents and brothers she would most likely end up crying.

When I explained this to my friend her response was "it's ok the photographer can photoshop tears out". Seriously.

No concern for my daughter at all! Just back out and say he's too young for it.

[DeadMorose]

Actually, what you described sounds really creepy to me. "Child abuser" creepy. I would probably go NC for that. Fuck that.

[hellooscar]

It's not a wind up 😳
Like I said the first time I picked him up to comfort him as he was crying. I was more concerned with my son tbh and thought it pretty common sense that he had upset him.
I regret not saying anything then but never excepted him to do it again.
I wasn't there the second time and wasn't told till we had left the in laws.
ATM no one is talking and I've had no contact with any of his family since it happened and don't plan to anytime soon.
My partner knows how angry I am about the situation but I'm not going to be telling him who he can speak to. However my son will never be left with the brother or even have a chance of this happening again. The only time we see the brother is around the in laws . So the only way to avoid that is to not see the in laws as well. Which is why we haven't seen them since Christmas.
It's just been playing on my mind constantly since.
The reason I don't want him to be ring bearer is not only because of what he's done but also because I don't want my son to be used to make them look good/ for show. When he can't be nice to him when it's just him and my son.

[Pemba]

What a vile man, getting pleasure from teasing a baby and making him cry. Who does that, FGS? And you say he's 30? To be honest, most 10 year old boys would have more empathy than to do that. No wonder you are angry.

But anyway, like others say, he is far too young to have a 'job' to do at the wedding, I wouldn't have thought it appropriate anyway. I would say 3 at the youngest is a suitable age to be ring bearer, bridesmaid, page boy, whatever.

But someone needs to call him out on his behaviour towards his nephew, and possibly he might think a bit and act differently next time. A normal person wouldn't need to be told though. I hope the couple aren't planning to have DCs. Poor kids.

[BadLad]

Agree to it, then tell him your toddler has swallowed the ring. You then hand over the ring two days later, in a shitty nappy.

[emmyrose2000]

I'd have said something immediately and DH would have gone ballistic. That was your baby being terrified by a scary adult. He sounds like he has problems this guy. Keep your son away from him please. Poor kid
=====
I wouldn't say DS is too young, I'd be telling the git that he is a nasty bastard who deliberately upset my child & ignored him until now & pushes him away if approached. He can fuck off with using DS to make his wedding photos look good. DS & I wouldn't be going to the wedding & I'd tell everyone why.

Your DP is being an arse & needs to 'man up', he's willing to allow his child to be treat badly & used, to keep the peace. Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

I hope this is a wind up actually.

I agree with these two posts.

Why does your partner care more about his bully brother's feelings than the welfare of his own child?

[HappyFlappy]

Badlad