How do you cope on your own with DC?

[dontpullyourbrotherswilly]

What I mean is how do you cope emotionally if you are a single parent or if your OH is away a lot?
I can cope physically- cleaning, cooking, drop off, pick up. It is hard to always wake up with the kids before 6am but it's manageable since I basically go to bed with them and then mumsnet on my phone for couple of hours
But I find it hard not to have another adult to share it with if that makes sense.
What if you don't have lots of friends or other family close by either (which I don't)?
I just find it hard for some reason that I can't quite explain
It's not that i miss DH (although i do miss him but that's not it), if I had another family member to stay I wouldn't feel like this - i just need another adult at the house - this sounds strange even to myself. Sorry for rambling on
I hope someone will get what I'm on about and have some advice .
Or not.

I totally get this. Dh started working away a year before our first child. I was afraid in the house, I used to sleep with knife under my pillow - he only discovered this after nearly stabbing him when he suprised me by coming home a wk early while I was in bed.

You get used to it, honestly. Dh was sahd for 3yrs then went to working away again. First year was horrible and tough BUT you get used to it. You make friends in similar circumstances. You organise playdates for weekends as I found those the worse.

You become stronger, more resilient becuase you have to be. Still bloody hate going to school stuff by myself but hey can't have everythig

Dont

I'm scared of being alone in the house.

It started when I was 16, I think, something unpleasant happened and it gave me such a fright. Never properly got over it. I'm FINE if someone else is there. Alone and I just don't sleep.

We had an alarm fitted on the house that I could set to cover downstairs and windows at night which helped hugely.

The isolation was the hardest for me. My family, my oh and my friends Ann commented on a noticeable change in me when I went back to work (dc2 aged 5 months) best decision I ever made. I couldn't hack being at home

Cherry
So how do you manage on your own at night?

All
I used to have a can of hairspray by the bed (pretty stupid ) and blocade the flat door.
That was if i was on my own before the kids.
Now there would be too many doors to blockade and can't have 'weapons ' by the bed as kids will get them
At least remembering the 'hair spray 'made me smile - did i think the would be burglar/attacker was going to be having a bad hair day

If this will be permanent then an alarm will probably help
That's a good idea!

I don't, dont

don'tpull

Do you leave a light on downstairs? I'm in my late 30's. A grown up with 6 kids. I used to have a responsible job. I leave a light on downstairs when DH is away (currently a six month stint with one Christmas trip home) because it makes me feel safer.

I bought door handle alarms from amazon. They aren't the best alarm system in the world, but they made me feel safer.

In the evenings - they are the worst bit - I chat online (here and a couple of hobby related forums), I do my family tree, and I watch the tv I saved for when it's peaceful.

The lack of adult conversation is the hardest bit for me so I have a lot of online friends. Mostly people in the same boat.

It takes some getting used too, but you do get used to it. Mine is on his last job away before changing to a normal come-home-every-night job and we're worried how I'll cope with him around all the time again!!

Manu
I guess you're right
But this is the first time I'm admitting to anyone that I have this problem and I'm million miles away from admitting it in real life.
To a therapist sure I could do that. But I would also have to explain myself going to the therapist to DH first.
Also it would be expensive I assume. There's no way I would go through the gp and nhs probably doesn't cover "afraid of the dark " therapy anyway

Dh is usually home but sometimes has to go abroad for up to a month. He's pretty uncontactable during that time. I hated it when the DC were tiny but now they're a wee bit older it's ok.

I try and focus on the positives like star fishing in bed, watching what I want on TV, etc etc

We have an alarm which can be set for downstairs. I don't set it because I'm scared it'll go off which is stupid ....

I don't have family nearby but have built up friendships recently (not from here) and I talk on the phone to my mum a lot.

Last time dh was away (for 3 weeks) me and the kids were all really unwell. Scarlet fever, vomitjng, 40+ temps, sinusitis, chest infections and when he came back I cried with relief!

I know I'd cope as a single parent because I'd have to and it would be our new normal but I absolutely respect people who do. It's a tough gig.

NHS will help with phobias. Especially one that's causing you a big practical problem like this.

I can see that telling family is the hardest part though.

Cherry
Sorry... it must not be easy.
Do you think an alarm will help?
I just had a quick look on amazon and there are some not too expensive options
I actually think I'm considering it even if DH doesn't go for the overseas job

Lalala
Yes, I leave couple of lights on.
The thing is it's not just the dark. I could leave all the lights on and still not be at ease.
It's more the fact that it's night and I'm on my own. Darkness makes it worse of course.
But looking into the alarm thing. I think that would actually help

my now ex dp walked out on me, our 2 year old and our 3 month old on Sunday. my heart is so broken but its only when they are in bed do i really get a chance to think about it, they keeo me so busy during the day. im so painfully lonely already as i have no friends and my family are awful plus im only 23. this so wasnt how life was meant to be!

I have an alarm which really helps me when I'm alone with the children overnight.
I'm alone for a week at a time usually and it can be daunting but then actually goes by pretty quickly. I can't compare it to my friends who are single parents as while I can text my husband any time to rant, ask advice etc. So he's emotionally still available for support, he's just not physically there.

Lots of people are afraid of the dark or being at home alone at night. I don't think that is particularly odd. But it's not nice. I think you've had some good coping strategies from PPs. I used to barricade myself into my room when I was alone. I wish I could tell you how I got over it. It was horrible feeling like that. It started when I was very young - slept downstairs near window in isolated country area, and carried on depending on where exactly i lived and who with until my 40s.

As far as adult company goes, what can you do in the daytime to socialise? I find it helps to build in opportunities to chat a bit with someone over the age of 5!! We all need a change from hanging out with kids. I'd plan a weekly babysitter and go out once a week if your DH does take the job.

DH worked away from home from Sun early morning - Wed evening for about 2 1/2 years. I also worked full time.

You're right, on one hand it's easier as less mess, none of those usual day to day 'disagreements' about who does what or how, only me telling the kids what do do, so on that front it is easier. Do you work? Working full time gave me plenty of adult conversation and I also had more to do in the evening than if I'd been a SAHM, but there were still a few hours at the end of the day after the kids were in bed with nothing to do. I actually enjoyed the peace and quiet.

As far as being afraid of the dark, I wasn't then but I am now. Well, it's not being afraid of the dark per se, the actual fear is of intruders. And I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. What's wrong with being concerned with your own safety? DH and I are retired now, but he goes camping 3-5 times a year with friends. So we have motion sensors and door sensors and I alarm them at night and sleep with the bedroom door closed and locked. Luckily I have an en suite!

Thanks everyone for posting!
I actually feel better knowing that other people have similar issues- I don't know why that helps but i guess it validates that I'm not a weirdo for feeling like that.

I do lack friends as well and don't work atm, so overall that's not helping.
I go to a baby group and I'm friendly with couple of mums there but it's hard to turn that into a real friendship. I have met a mum from there for a coffee couple of times so i guess I'm making (slow) progress.
I'd love to have a chance to go to the gym or yoga or smth but LO is pretty much attached to me atm - not bf just screams bloody murder if i leave the room