Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To feel totally redundant and a bloody hinderance

41 replies

doggyday123 · 16/01/2017 23:41

Warning!long and boring.
Two of our dc have recently joined sporting activities that take up half a sat or Sun.
Both diferent places and different times so logistically awkward. Made even more so that i work weekends and dont drive(another story).
Soo, i have said i can change my day at work and take one dc (either dh take or i will make own way) and he take other.
Basically he has said that wont help as far away (ish)so he would have to drop us and collect us.
Hes decided to ask a parent(not a friend particularly) or his PIL. Both infuriate me as these parents are either going to get sick of it or wonder where i am,plus i dont know them massively well. And PiL Literally do jack all to help normally. Never have dc round without us there, or babysit and certainly do me no favours. I cant help think they are helping dh not me or dc.
I feel like a complete loser for not being there and even if i could be,i cant drive.aibu?

OP posts:

Original poster

doggyday123 · 17/01/2017 00:19

Missgranny,
I had lessons a while ago. Totallly hopeless and i was a million times worse than i expected. Id like to start again,but so anxious.

OP posts:

cordeliavorkosigan · 17/01/2017 00:20

You have to work. Part of letting your dh sort it is letting him take the embarrassment! Don't volunteer for that. You won't be there anyway and hopefully he can sort out an even trade with another family. If we can't let men take on this sort of thing we've kind of signed up for massively unequal parenting pretty much forever.

Original poster

doggyday123 · 17/01/2017 00:23

cordelia you are right. I need to get iver this mithering and leave him to it. I guess i feel a bit sorry for dc being taken by other people and they may not be family.

OP posts:

cordeliavorkosigan · 17/01/2017 00:26

Well, it takes a village and all that. You can't do everything, just love them when you're with them. We shared loads of lifts to activities when I was young and it was great, having friends along and all. I didn't sit thinking why is my mother not doing Every Single Thing!

Original poster

doggyday123 · 17/01/2017 00:31

No i think dc be fine but i feel pissed off dh bypassing me as im no help. Driving has never really interested me but now i feel redundant compared to the other mothers.

OP posts:

PerspicaciaTick · 17/01/2017 00:32

I think once you get to the age when DCs are doing actvities like this, it is entirely normal for parents to share lifts. It is often a bit exciting and I always enjoyed listening on to my DCs and their friends chatting - a glimpse of a whole social side of them that I didn't often get to see.
But I work weekends now too, so don't get very involved with DS's actvities. I feel like I'm missing out sometimes, but I know DS loves his activity, enjoys being looked after by DH on the weekend and I get to do other stuff at other times.

Just make sure your DH puts big matches on the calendar so you can juggle your hours (if possible) to cheer them on once in a while.

CrazyCavalierLady · 17/01/2017 00:34

A) you work Saturdays
B) you don't drive
C) even if you could drive you can't afford two cars
These are all things that even if you made changes won't help the situation such as it is right now or the foreseeable future.

What other people think of you or your circumstances is irrelevant and I'm at a loss as to why you care. If you are unhappy with the level of involvement you have in your children's lives then you need to address that longer term as sporting commitments only grow as kids get older.

Your husband has made this mess he has to deal with it. For fairness I'd suggest he does week on week off with each child's sport commitment and make alternative arrangements with the other parents, meaning that his support networks only come into use every other week - this should lessen their eventual "frustration" with having to ferry your kids around.

We had a similar situation many years ago when one DD qualified for representative sport (so we hadn't actually signed up for two clashing sports) we made the above alternate week arrangements and whilst there was a few occasions where DD2 had to simply miss out so that her sister could participate in higher level sport, for the most part things went smoothly.

FWIW I would stay right out of this and your DH will probably only need this one season to recognise how ridiculous his plan is/was.

KeyserSophie · 17/01/2017 00:37

The problem with randoms is that they may quite often not be returning straight home etc. and therefore cant drop off afterwards, but assuming I was, I wouldnt mind an extra to ferry so long as they were reasonably well behaved and polite (eg no worse than mine), got on ok with mine and didnt (literally) need their arses wiping , which I imagine yours dont at their ages

However........ with a few possible parents plus PIL, you can probably make it work.

JennyWoodentop · 17/01/2017 00:44

Mine both did soccer at one point and we had clashes, other parents helped out and we reciprocated. Everyone happy.

Now just one still plays and we can manage it ourselves - I agree that you don't sign your kids up for activities you can't get them to. A friend has been sick and I've given her son a lot of lifts recently - no problem. Some parents regularly lift share and are happy with that. There is one boy who almost every week at short notice emails the team asking for a ride to the game and everyone's a bit sick of it. It's probably not the lad's fault, but his parents are taking the mick expecting a ride every week - you are right to be concerned about being that family and that parent. Sorry. If you get to know the parents and let them know you're working they might be more sympathetic, but how you get to know them if you can never go to the activity I'm not sure, maybe email the coach. It's a problem of your husband's making and he should address it, but his solutions only sound temporary.

If there are no medical reasons stopping you from driving, then learning would be great for lots of reasons, not just this, if you can afford it.

PerspicaciaTick · 17/01/2017 00:44

It also might help if you can find a way of not seeing the other families as strangers or randoms. You might not know them (yet), but presumably your DH does and they are the parents of your DC's friends and team mates. Look out for social events run through the clubs and try and attend with your family so you can meet and chat with the other families in the club.

CrazyCavalierLady · 17/01/2017 00:57

^this x100

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/01/2017 00:57

Doggy - I do think you're being a bit oversensitive here. Leave your DH to sort it out - he has, you just don't much like his solution.

However, in reality there's not a lot else you could do without a second car, and I'm NOT going to advocate you learning to drive and getting one, because there may be very good reasons you have trouble with driving! I have a friend in Australia who can't drive at all because of her anxiety and dyspraxia - she'd actually be more of a menace on the roads as a driver, so I for one am glad she's firmly against ever trying again!

Let your DH deal with it. See how long it lasts - the children might get fed up with it anyway, and/or the people who take them might not have an issue with it since you're working, not lazing about or anything!

Original poster

doggyday123 · 17/01/2017 10:12

Everyone is right. Im totally going to leave him to it.
I cant see it working as hes not just asking family/parents for a lift there and back,we are talking about someone taking dc,staying with them and bringing them home!!!
Basically signed dc up for something for someone else to be in charge of.

OP posts:

KateDaniels2 · 17/01/2017 10:17

Its his mess. Let him sort it.

I dont get your issue. He is sorting it.

Your pil have no obligation to do anything.

You sound generally angry at everyone. When it sound like your issue is that you feel a bit inadequate because you cant drive.

Original poster

doggyday123 · 17/01/2017 10:18

Kate i think you are most probably right.

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 17/01/2017 10:23

I think you need to get a bit of a grip

He signed them up, he's the one making arrangements and asking people, it doesn't really have anything to do with you as you'll be working/can't drive/can't afford two cars if you did drive

Not your circus, not your monkeys

Flip

1 2