To not invite father to my wedding

[Indigo89]

My parents are still together despite my dad's alcoholism and selfish behaviour. I have always disagreed with his lifestyle but have a civil relationship with him for the sake of my mother who I adore.

I only go back to my hometown 2 or 3 times a year but when I do he is always drunk or fails to turn up to meet me, out drinking instead. He disapproves of the fact I'm not getting married in my hometown and our strained relationship has broken down completely with him sending me abusive drunken texts calling me selfish for the location of the wedding. He hasn't had a nice word to say about the wedding from day one but I was willing to suck it up and tolerate him walking me down the aisle etc for the sake of the family but his recent insults, heavy drinking and not turning up when I'd driven down the country to see him have been the final straw and I don't want him to walk me down the aisle- he's not been any kind of father or been a feature in my life so why would the biggest day of my life be any different, especially given his recent behaviour. After months of no contact he text me to tell me he's invited 8 of his friends, who I don't know, to my wedding. When I told him there weren't enough room he replied that he wouldn't be coming at all if that was the case.

I now don't want to invite him at all because he is petulant, a drinker and doesn't support me or the wedding- I cannot trust him not to ruin the day but I know my mum is caught in the middle.

What do I do?

OP talk to your mum. Tell of your concerns and about his recent text and why you've made the decision that you cannot trust him not to ruin your day. Tell her you'd be heartbroken, however, if she wasn't there on your big day and that you are scared of sending her a formal invitation in case your father gets the idea to turn up whilst drunk. At least give her the opportunity to make the decision to attend without him. If need be tell her you will make all the travel arrangements and book somewhere for her to stay. If you know she's ok to attend by herself then you don't have to consider your father any further. If she is not then maybe you'll want to reconsider. The choice is yours, not anybody else's .

I would meet with your Mum alone and explain all of this to her - show her this thread if you find it difficult to say this to her verbally. Give her the time date and location of your wedding verbally and say you would love nothing more than for her to be there. But you cannot run the risk of the sperm-donor turning up and ruining the day so he is not invited.

It's private property. I would like to invite my uncle (dad's brother) but then would have to tell him the location and time and to ask him to keep quiet if my dad pestered him about the venue would be too much. They're brothers and a man being barred from his daughter's wedding is quite an emotive topic. I'm sure I'll come out looking like the unreasonable one

I can totally understand.

There is only one thing. If you feel that you will regret giving it one more try, you could try giving him a rock bottom. Fine him when he's the most sober and say something like, "when you drink you are abusive. You have made me decide not to invite my father to my wedding. That is your choice. If you choose to get help and stop drinking, we could have a relationship. Again, your choice."

But you don't have to. That is only if you think it will help you feel you tried everything. His drinking is not your fault, you didn't cause it, you can't control it.

Could you tell your uncle and mum to go somewhere close to the venue and then arrange a lift from there? It means they can't tell him because they don't know, and if he turns up then whoever is doing the lift will know not to take them. It's a bit cloak and dagger but should ensure he can't get in.

to ask (my uncle) to keep quiet if my dad pestered him about the venue would be too much

Surely the same applies to your mum, since it's hard to imagine how she could keep the date from him without being put through hell? If he's as devious as most drunks you might as well accept that he'll find out the date/lace somehow and just concentrate on how to keep him away

Is your mum aware yet that you're planning to bar him? I just wondered what her take on was and whether she's supportive or crying "poor old dad"

If you invite him you'll be miserably worrying all through the nice bits of wedding prep he'll turn up and not be relaxed at all on the day.

Can you ask another relation to get shot of him for you? Or have a parents dinner beforehand so he doesn't come on the day?

Strikes me a hell of a lot of your family are pressuring you to do huge things for him for fear of wounding his feelings, but no one's thinking of your feelings in the slightest. Your mum is one of these people. Might be time to kindly point this out.

It's not your job to protect him. If anyone asks why you haven't invited your father you simply say "He's an alcoholic who can't be trusted to behave himself."

It's your day, don't ruin it.

Thankfully we don't have the practice of being walked down the aisle where I'm from. It would not have worked, in my case. My dad came, but told me on the day he had contemplated to skip it.

My gut says he doesn't deserve to be there, and I wouldn't invite him. But I can see how you feel your mum would be stuck in the middle. Its a tough situation, and one I dont envy you.

Would you be able to say to him he is invited, but the other people he has invited aren't. I take it he hasn't contributed financially to the wedding? If he hasn't then he cant say that he is paying for them.

If you have some burly blokes there who could step in should he start to get out of hand, then that might be a good idea. Maybe have some people there who can be almost minders for him, in that they keep an eye on him, and are able to steer him away from creating a scene.

Ultimately, it is your and you soon to be dhs day, and you need to do what you would be most comfortable with. Put the idea to your mum about him not coming and see what she says.

The invites to people he is likely to come into contact with could omit the location, just have a date and time. Maybe arrange taxis for those people to the venue? Have your mum with you when you get ready on the day, and she comes with you and gives you away?

I hope your day is wonderful and wishing you both the best for your future together

Please don't invite him. He sounds utterly vile and selfish. There is huge potential for him to get smashed at your wedding reception and taint your memories of it forever. I'm sure your long suffering mother will understand your reasons.

If you send an invite to your DM even if your F's name is not on it, then it's a tacit invitation.

I think you need to sit down and have a frank conversation with your DM. Tell her you want her there, ideally you'd like her to put you before her H and come on her own. If she won't do that and your F comes then it's on her to make sure he isn't drunk beforehand and that he doesn't bring any further guests.

Either that or you invite neither of them.

By the way your DM is not a total victim in this. She's "stuck in the middle" because she chooses to stay with an alcoholic. That's her choice, as is how she handles your wedding day. But you need to make it clear to her that if he comes and he kicks off there will be no place for him there and that you will never forgive him if he spoils your wedding.

I think if I were you I would try to have my mum walk me down the aisle.

I think to others you could say my dad is unable to be here or unwell so my mum is giving me away.

Could you even pretend to plan a day out with your mum and when she gets there tell her it's your wedding? That removes her obligation to tell your father from her until afterwards.

So sorry this is happening to you.

Really don't invite him. He's left you no choice with his ultimatum that he won't be coming unless he can invite all his friends anyway.