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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I overreacting?

44 replies

Bayleybee123 · 16/01/2017 11:09

Unsure of what I'm asking really just know that I'm unhappy. Relationship hasn't been good for a while I've recently returned to education, had a family bereavement and lots to deal with. Partner is lazy, disinterested in anything have to say I'm so fed up. Went on a very rare night 2 weeks ago had a great time until later on in the night when he started to point out females he found attractive, asked what I thought about threesomes and told me the name of someone he really wanted to sleep with. I walked out and went home. He feels that I am overreacting.

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WhereYouLeftIt · 16/01/2017 12:03

"He's full of apologies and for some reason I feel a bit sorry for him, although he does think i'm overreacting. I just can't forget what he said and how excited he got talking about this other women (someone he knows from years ago, as do I). He just made me feel cheap and I know 100% that I'm not." (my bolding)
So he's apologising despite not thinking he's done anything wrong (because hey, you're overreacting)? He is so trying to make you end it, whilst he bleats 'but I said I'm sorry!'. He wants it all to be your fault, not his. Git.

As for your mother - I can only wonder at what shit she's swallowed in her marriage(s) to think that's an acceptable thing to say to you. Either a lot, or absolutely none so she can't imagine how shit you feel and how shitter she's making it Sad.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 16/01/2017 12:04

Oh & I forgot, sorry! Make sure you are wearing something alluring at bed time and are ready to accommodate his needs. If you aren't, then he will look elsewhere and you cannot blame a real man for that!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 16/01/2017 12:08

Clearly all the biggest load of horseshit you've heard right? But this is the kind of thing going through HIS and your Mum's heads!

You haven't failed, he has, get rid of the obnoxious twat! Your life will improve immeasurably 💐

Original poster
Bayleybee123 · 16/01/2017 12:25

I think he is trying to make me end it, so if anyone asks he can say its my fault. My Mum (I don't think) has never been through anything like this she thinks he helps with the children, housework etc but to be honest he doesn't she actually said the alternative would be worse if I left him, really can't get much worse than I feel now to be honest (well I hope not). AnnieAnomiMouse he would love a women like that!
I'm doing well at the minute I'm getting grades at uni that I never thought would be possible, my children are happy and doing well but my relationship is just crap. Emotionally and personally I'm at a very low point in my life have been for a few months after the death of someone really close he doesn't understand this though and seems to be adding to my sadness

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dollydaydream114 · 16/01/2017 12:27

You're not overreacting; I can absolutely see why you're upset.

I can just about imagine that a bloke might start talking about threesomes in some sort of attempt to get his partner to start sharing her own fantasies with him or whatever in the hope that things might be spiced up for both of them ... but if he actually pointed out women he fancied and told you someone's name he wants to shag, then he's just being a dick, plain and simple.

There's no excuse for that and I'd be upset if my partner behaved like this too. A couple of drinks is no excuse, either.

RubbishMantra · 16/01/2017 12:28

You've been feeling crap, were having a (rare) good time. He said something to make you feel like crap again, because he prefers you to feel like shit. He's trying to batter your self esteem.

That's not what a good relationship looks like.

DJBaggySmalls · 16/01/2017 12:32

I think he is trying to make me end it, so if anyone asks he can say its my fault.

That sounds realistic. He's a nasty piece of work, as difficult as it is to be a lone parent its easier than dealing with being a lone parent in everything but name and putting up with emotional abuse.

Original poster
Bayleybee123 · 16/01/2017 12:39

Yes if it was in the context of spicing things up I wouldn't be upset its the pointing women out in a bar and mentioning someone by name that really got me, he also thinks that if we have more sex he wouldn't think like that

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Original poster
Bayleybee123 · 16/01/2017 13:03

Thank you everyone for replying

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Miserylovescompany2 · 16/01/2017 13:20

To mention name(s) he hasn't just said this without thinking, he's obviously been thinking about this kind of scenario a great deal. All well and good if its something you are both interested in. This isn't the case though. You are already feeling overwhelmed and his answer = his NEED! Not yours or working out your joint problems...

By pulling his shit move, he's repulsed you. Yes, he's sorry. SORRY for himself.

TheElephantofSurprise · 16/01/2017 13:23

See the back of him.
Is it ok for him to be with you and pointing out women he fancies? No.
Bye, mister.

EmeraldScorn · 16/01/2017 13:53

I would have played along, gave him a taste of his own medicine and gushed about how attractive a male relative/friend of his is....

That aside, you sound genuinely unhappy and to be honest staying with someone for the sake of the kids is never the way to go. Your mum means well but she's from a very different generation, don't be miserable to fulfill someone else's expectations.

What your husband said to you was antagonistic and cruel but I think he was intentionally trying to push your buttons for a reaction, maybe he was hoping "treat her mean, keep her keen" would result in a night of passion.

You are not overreacting, he is an idiot and you deserve to be treated better!

Original poster
Bayleybee123 · 16/01/2017 14:57

I know I deserve better, its just really hard to make the decision to tell him to stay or go, he wants to stay and work on it but haven't seen much work in these last 2 weeks. We are both miserable and all he can say is sorry (and more sex may help).

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WhereYouLeftIt · 16/01/2017 16:08

"My Mum ... thinks he helps with the children, housework etc but to be honest he doesn't she actually said the alternative would be worse if I left him, really can't get much worse than I feel now to be honest (well I hope not)."
Well next time she spouts such rubbish at you, enlighten her. Make it clear he does fuck all, and push her to say why it would be worse. I'd bet good money you'll be able to shoot everything she says. (Lonely? His being physically there I'm lonely, he can't be arsed to talk to me, mother! I'd be alone, not the same thing at all you old bag.) It might make you feel better to point out her crapness to her.

"I think he is trying to make me end it, so if anyone asks he can say its my fault."
Yes, I think so too Angry. So I'd have my little comments all wound up and ready to go - e.g. 'Well, he was pushing for threesomes with X, I mean what happened to forsaking all others? He detached from the marriage at least a year before it came to a head, he was so unpleasant pushing me to end it I thought I better had before he found something even more extreme to push for.'

dollydaydream114 · 16/01/2017 17:39

he also thinks that if we have more sex he wouldn't think like that

He's trying to bully you into having more sex with him by hinting he'll 'go elsewhere' if you don't?!

What a nasty piece of work. I would honestly be inclined to ditch this man, and I don't say that lightly.

Backt0Black · 16/01/2017 22:01

DH is actually laughing incredulously at what an arsehole your DH is.

From my point of view. You have kids and this is the way he treats the mother of his children????? Takes you out for night to leer at other women. Then goads you to make it better by offering him more sex. I'd NEVER sleep with him again.

He's a slimey prick and I wouldn't want him round DC's

Backt0Black · 16/01/2017 22:02

DH is actually laughing wide eyed incredulously at what an arsehole your DH is being.

From my point of view. You have kids and this is the way he treats the mother of his children????? Takes you out for night to leer at other women. Then goads you to make it better by offering him more sex. I'd NEVER sleep with him again.

He's a slimey prick and I wouldn't want him round DC's

RubbishMantra · 17/01/2017 05:19

I wonder if he's paying for sex? I only say this because there's a vile website that I'm morbidly drawn to for men who use sex workers. They review their paid for sex. They even review their wives, using the same terms they use for their paid for shags. And ask for tips on how to convince their partners/wives to enter into a 3some. One of the tips is to float the idea of swinging/3somes.

They also post about eyeing up teenagers/very young women and deciding what they'd be prepared to pay them for sex.

Like I said - morbid fascination and grim reading. Sad Envy

Original poster
Bayleybee123 · 17/01/2017 10:51

That's what he reminded me of a slimey prick! And now I can't look at him in any other way. I'm pretty sure he's not paying for sex he doesn't have the time or the money

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