To give up breastfeeding

[MumofChuckie]

Posting here for traffic.

I have no idea what to do. My DD is 4 weeks old and it feels like everything that could go wrong with BFing HAS gone wrong. Tongue tie led to bad latch led to bruised nipples led to diagnosis of Reynoids (no I'd never heard of it either), flat nipples and then being sent back to postnatal ward on NYE with mastitis in both breasts.

We now have to use nipple shields for every feed otherwise it is impossible. I hate those little plastic sombreros but I've resigned myself to it if it means I can continue to nurse.

That was all in the first two weeks. We've been fine ever since, until now. Baby is rejecting me. She'll feed for 5-7 minutes MAX on one breast and will refuse any more. Eyes scrunch up, fists tight, mouth clamped and then eventually she'll fall asleep. I have tried waking her up, winding, changing nappy again... nothing. I'll put her back into her crib and she'll wake up 40 minutes later hungry and we'll start the battle all over again.

I have found myself staring at my sleeping baby whilst I stay awake pumping out all the milk she has rejected.

After doing 40 minute stints of sleep I am exhausted, my DP will give her a bottle and she'll wolf down 100ml and be asleep for 3 hours.

I'm so sad and so desperate. I've tried my hardest and bitten into pillows to keep myself from screaming just to give her what she needed. But I can't go on anymore.

Has anyone got any advice for a very fraught new mama? (BFing consultant a bit shit)

Is the tongue tie fully divided? Sometimes it needs an adjustment that can make all of the difference. Also this age is when colic shows up if they get it whether breast or bottle fed. Any signs of reflux? This can be silent and make them averse to feeding. Not all BF advisors are equal. Maybe the LLL or BFN helpline could assist?

Oh, honey, poor you! I've been there and, like a PP, it took my DB to say to me when he turned up when DD was about 3 weeks old, it's ok to stop, or mix feed. I couldn't feed DS1 or DS2 at all and they're a perfectly healthy strapping 22yo and 18yo. D'you know what, DD's okay, too.

Feeling anxious around your lovely baby isn't good for either of you. Do whatever you feel good with. I wish you well, whatever you decide

Of course you can stop if you want to stop. You have value in yourself, not just as a mother, and your needs matter. And it sounds like you are having a very hard time. BUT, I would also ring your HV and ask for breastfeeding support if you WANT to breastfeed but feel like you can't. Try calling la leche league for help, too. It could be that your baby is getting all she needs in 5-7 minutes, that's within normal range, and unfortunately sleeping for under an hour is pretty normal for babies that young - mine was the same, but he also needed an hour for each feed, which is at the other end of normal!

OP I'm sorry you are having such a tough time, bfeeding is tough when there aren't things like tongue tie etc so with these issues on top I can imagine how hard it must be. If I was you, I'd probably try bottle feeding to take the edge off if someone else can help with feeds and give you a break?

It does get easier, the first few months are a shitstorm, literally!

Oh, and it's Raynauds phenomenon. www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Raynauds-phenomenon/Pages/Introduction.aspx

Some women seem to get it in their nipples from pressure while breastfeeding. Improving the latch can help, and some women get medication for it.

Just stop. Please.

Formula is fine. It really is. You'll look back and say 'why didn't I stop sooner?'

Don't risk your physical and mental health, you need to look after your baby.

Just stop. You don't need to justify it with reasons either. If you want to stop, then buy some formula and have a go.

(I love MN sometimes, such wonderful support - what everyone else says OP)

Thank you so much for everyone's responses - this is why MN is awesome.

I spoke to my bf consultant yesterday, she quickly popped round and established that yes, baby is forgotten the latch and 'prefers' the teat.

Her suggestion is to keep trying, and express my milk and give to her in a bottle. I understand her point - I have to continue giving her MY milk - but to express and give via a bottle seems like I'm perpetuating the issue. And she was dead against formula.

So incredibly frustrating that the best advice I can get is 'just keep going'. That's not helpful nor particularly healthy.

Thanks again everyone xxx

Oh and baby has 120ml of formula at midnight and I got 5 hours sleep.

Aptamil is my friend x

Good on you. Happy mummy happy baby. I hated breastfeeding and only managed it for 5 weeks.

My twins are almost 6 months old now and I'm still exclusively expressing. They sleep like angels and get all the nutritional benefits of breastfeeding.

If you are in pain and your baby isn't happy then stop breastfeeding. It sounds like expressing works for you so if I were you I would give it a try before turning to formula.

Formula is fine if you don't have a choice but breastmilk is so so much better. Just get a really good pump and empty the breast and you will be fine. Once you get into a pumping routine it's really so easy.

Your mental health is so important. As long as your baby feeds it doesnt matter if it is breast of formula. I drove my self crazy with my first trying to breast feed. I feed him on the breast,which he hardly took from, then he had a bottle which he wolfed down then i pumped it was a never ending cycke. We last nearly 2 months before I realised I was doing more damage to myself than good to him. So we switched to formula and oh my goodness the difference was amazing. We were all happy and relaxed and I could enjoy feeding my baby. Please be kind to yourself as long as baby is happy and healthy it does not matter if you are breast feeding or formula feeding. (The guilt I know is horrendous but you will get past that).

Kust read your update. Bf consultants can be great but they can also have tunnel vision and just focus on breast feeding forgetting to see you, a new mum, as a whole person. Do what you feel is best for you and baby and trust your instincts. Itnis better for you to be mentally healthy and formula feed. My son is fine and as people told me you couldnt pick formula fed or breast fed children out of a line up xxx

It's a personal decision but stopping at 3 months was the best decision I made! I wish someone had told me that. Be kind to yourself.

I thought about what I would tell a friend who told me this (my) breastfeeding tale of woe.

My DS refused boob after introducing bottles as it was obviously easier for him! Could it be that? YANBU xxx

Ahh sorry just seen your update.

If you want to carry on breastfeeding then I'm sure you can but think you would have to exclusively breast feed and it would take a lot of perseverance to get her to relearn how to latch?

If you want to ff then do it, don't let her make you feel bad x

Definitely not unreasonable. My baby wouldn't latch and I couldn't keep pumping and bottle feeding especially once my husband went back to work so we decided to formula/bottle feed and was the best decision we made. Definitely don't beat yourself up about it

This sounds like my first baby. He had a severe tongue tie and couldn't latch. We had it cut but by then he was too used to a bottle. I really did try everything as well, had a LLL councillor round etc. I was really devastated. Mastitis didn't help either. The more stressed you get, the harder it is.
He refused the breast totally at about 8 weeks. She said that was probably because I started ovulating.
I expressed for 10 months and looking back, I wouldn't do this again. It's time consuming and soul destroying.

On baby no. 2 now and no problems, she has been fully breastfed, still feeding at 9 months. I use shields and just express twice a day to get enough for a big bottle before bed.

I think the NHS is really bad at dealing with tongue tie. I went to the ante natal breastfeeding class and it wasn't even mentioned.
We spotted it in hospital, his tongue was heart shaped and DH had his cut when he was older so knew to look for it.
None of the midwives knew where to refer me to, consultant said there was no problem. In the end, I found a private surgeon to cut it but it really was too late by then. His office was on the same corridor as the maternity ward I was on and no-one was aware that he cut tongue ties. Cost £160 when it should have been done before I left hospital.
They spend so much money and resources trying to persuade women to breastfeed but don't have the structure in place to deal with a common practical problem which stops many women from doing it.
I'm still angry about it.

So if you want to carry on, I'd make sure the tongue tie is treated properly.
If you want to reestablish, go to bed with the baby for a few days, try lying on your side just cuddling, hand express into the shield so there's a bit of milk in it already and offer when the baby is sleepy. Try different shaped shields as well, I used the MAM ones which are more teat like than some which are softer.
Good luck, don't feel bad about giving formula if you decide not to carry on.

Hello, I'm sorry you've been struggling, it's shit isn't it?

I think it would be great if while Mum's were pregnant, and if they planned to breastfeed, they wrote a letter to themselves saying what they thought was a reasonable amount of effort to put into breastfeeding. I wish I had because I tried well too hard, even though prior to giving birth I didn't really give a fuck either way if I breastfed or not.

Eg, when my baby wouldn't latch, I'd spend 15 minutes trying to get her to latch on where she'd just scream at my tits, then I'd spend 40 minutes pumping while my DP fed her my expressed milk, which was never enough, so would then have to do a formula too up. Then I'd have to clean the expressing stuff. Then I'd try to go to sleep and then DD would start crying again. I did this for a couple of weeks until I started hearing circus music all the time. Don't do that.

OP, just try and work out what is the most sensible thing to do and do that.

Her suggestion is to keep trying, and express my milk and give to her in a bottle. I understand her point - I have to continue giving her MY milk - but to express and give via a bottle seems like I'm perpetuating the issue. And she was dead against formula.

Easy for her to say, she's not the one doing it. The only thing worse than breastfeeding for me was expressing. Just switch to formula and have done with it. The difference is no negligible as to be pointless to even continue to put yourself through hell.

It sounds as though your breastfeeding consultant is one of the less good ones. If you want to stop, stop. But if you don't really and want to try something else, contact your nearest International Board Certified Lactation Consultant. They are the elite, and I've never known one to 'push' breastfeeding in the way some less qualified consultants do. You can find your nearest one here: www.lcgb.org/find-an-ibclc/

I've seen one of them spot a very rare condition that the mum (a doctor herself), several other doctors, midwives etc had missed, and it was the key part of the puzzle in why feeding wasn't working.

Honestly, OP, if I had to express and give bottles, I'd switch to formula. I HATE expressing, and giving bottles of expressed milk is all the worst bits of both boob and bottle. Life is too short to go through hell for a slight health boost for baby.

I don't think much of the BF consultant if that was her advice for a bad latch, though. If you want to breastfeed, please consider contacting la leche league for some help. But don't feel bad about using formula if you really feel like you want to stop - you are more than boobs, and you have a right to make the choice to enjoy your baby instead of giving her a slightly healthier diet.

So glad baby had a good feed and you managed a decent block of sleep. Do what is best for you both. As long as baby is happy and has a full tummy it doesn't matter how it happens xxx

I detested expressing and found it even more painful than feeding. Do what you want. Do what feels right. Don't ask for permission or validation on here because some people will never give it and would see you run into the ground exhausted and suicidal before they'd ever say its okay for you to give up.

Your child will be fed, your child will be fine, either way. The only one who stands to suffer is you.