Apologies in advance for the essay, it’s been really cathartic to write but I understand you might not be able to get through all of it so I’ve put a TL;DR at the bottom.
Since I was little I have had a difficult relationship with my mum. For a long time I couldn’t quite get my head around it and even after moving away from home and counselling I still struggle to define it – I feel a mixture of guilt and resentment when I think about our relationship, and particularly whenever I am back home to visit.
At school I was known by my year as ‘the crier’. I often cried because I was scared of everything, or rather I was terrified of getting in trouble with my mum. On average I’d say I cried about once a week, either at school or on the journey to and from school because I had done something she disapproved of. This was never wilful bad behaviour; it was things like not doing as well on a test as she would have wanted me to do, or forgetting PE kit or homework, once it was for washing my face with cold water instead of warm water and another time it was because I used the wrong mug for cracking an egg.
Her words were sharp and her anger was rarely measured. She would raise her voice and use extremes, e.g. I’m so disappointed in you, you make me so angry, what am I going to do with you, I can’t bear to look at you, etc. After an angry outburst she would often spend the evening ignoring me or refusing to acknowledge me, or snapping at me if she had to tell something. I would always tell her if I had done something bad because I couldn’t cope with the guilt of lying through omission and the fear of her finding out anyway. This was the pattern of most of my time at school. I remember asking my dad if she really loved me, because I seemed to make her angry so often.
Around the age of 13/14 my mum fell out with her mum and they were NC for two years. This was a difficult time for everyone involved – it felt something akin to a divorce, though not as severe. We were allowed to be picked up from school by my grandparents once a week but this usually led to a fight between my grandparents and my mum when we got home.
My mum went through a bad period full of hurt and anger and turned to my dad and occasionally me for support. During this time she would often tell me horrible details about her childhood, e.g. about the way she self-harmed growing up and the awful things her mother would say to her. I wanted to help so I would sit and listen but it was incredibly painful, partly because I was seeing a new side to a grandma I loved very much and partly because much of what my mum was talking about sounded like things she had done/said to me (though not as extreme) and I was amazed she couldn’t see the parallels.
Around this time she said something very cruel to me in a moment of anger and upset that I’ve never been quite able to forgive her for. I often see it as the turning point in how I viewed our relationship, and I started to think maybe the way she treated me wasn’t normal/healthy.
I secretly got counselling throughout sixth form which was incredibly helpful. My counsellor encouraged me to stand up to my mum but this led to its own set of problems. My sister and dad are very non-confrontational, and while they were supportive of me when mum was not around, they would join my mum in ignoring me at dinner or in the car when she was angry with me. When I started arguing back it caused issues, and would often draw my sister and my dad into the fray – something they found very difficult to cope with. I think everyone just wanted a peaceful family life, but in standing up to my mum it wasn’t going to work out that way.
I felt like a fly in the ointment, and to this day I still do. I am a bit of a drama queen, and I know I exacerbate issues by getting overly emotional and confrontational when I perceive anyone to be having a go at me. Very minor criticisms from my mum or my dad can be enough to trigger an emotional reaction.
My mum has improved a lot since I was younger to the point where she is almost unrecognisable – occasionally she will be judgemental and say harsh things and she still has a tendency to control or disapprove, but she is also very supportive, kind and loving. In a sort of Jekyll and Hyde way she can vacillate between the two personas, but for the most part she is on her best behaviour.
However, I struggle to believe that my parents are proud of me, and sometimes that they like me. I often compare myself to my younger sister and wonder how I could have turned out so differently to her – she is immeasurably kind and full of love, patience and support for me and my parents. She and I are best friends, but sometimes I feel so jealous because she has a much easier relationship with them which makes sense because she is intellectual, easy-going, uncomplicated and good-humoured.
I have tried to build up my confidence and it has improved a lot in the last few years, but sometimes I am hampered by my worry about my parents’ opinion of me. My dad told me this Christmas that my mum is a little ashamed of the job I do and how much I am paid. I had my suspicions for a while but I was still hurt when he confirmed this. It’s made me worry a lot about the career I’m doing, and right now I’m applying for a job (in the same field) but I’m too scared to tell my mum in case she’s disappointed in the job I’m going for.
I know the best thing for me to do is to let go of worrying about what my mum thinks of me, but I’m finding it so difficult.
Does anyone have any advice or has anyone been in a similar situation? I would sincerely appreciate any words of wisdom or a metaphorical slap around the face. I’m so ashamed of myself that I still feel like this at 25 years old, I hoped I would be over it by now but the pain from my childhood sometimes eats away at me like it was yesterday.
TL;DR – Difficult relationship with a critical mother growing up that I haven’t quite been able to get over. Feel resentment that I am seen as the difficult one in my family, but I also feel guilty because I know that I am often overly emotional and sensitive when I am with them which causes arguments. Would like to let go of the past and move on to have a good, stable relationship with family. Any advice?