To tell him to do one?

[nicetoseeyoutoseeyounice]

My sons dad hasn't really been around for the last few years. Well 4 to be exact. He has in that time had another 2 kids from 2 other failed relationships and doesn't see those kids either. Almost 2 years ago (shortly after his 3rd child was born), he left the country to go travelling and hasn't stayed in contact with my son at all. No phone calls, no birthday cards, no nothing. Well now he's back in the UK and I think he wants to try and start contact with my son again. There was a few emails to me a few months ago about seeing my son when he came back but he was shady about if or when he was actually coming back. My question is, should I give him a chance to get to know our son again or tell him to do one? I kind of feel like he lost his right to be a parent when he swanned off to go travelling without even telling any of his kids. I had to find out from his mum who even he didn't tell until a week after he left! My son is...indifferent towards him.

Lol lol lol lol

Why do you let your son FaceTime people they don't really know? Do you not control what he does online? Well unless it was at your exs mothers. I would tell her then I wouldn't be happy with that contact.

He didn't FaceTime? He doesn't have a phone. He was on wii u chat with his uncle (who's similar age to him and who he sees every time he visits his bio nan). His dad happened to be there so spoke to him on the video chat also. Not much I could do as I didn't know he was back in uk or at his mums house

It's really sad to see that some people on here are deliberately trying to place some kind of blame on you nicetoseeyou. Let your son decide what he wants to do and stay as neutral as possible. I was able to have a sort of relationship with my Dad even though DM thought he was a total arse. He's dead now so I'm glad I did. I always felt a gap before I knew him and needed to get to know him to understand myself better. If I'd have decided I didn't want to see him (as my brother did) then our DM would have supported me.

Yes, how much do you trust his bio nan.

Is she going to facilitate her son's access to your son? Is she going to tell you that, or hide it from you? Do you trust her to protect your son, stop her son from making your son uncomfortable or is she going to absent herself and leave your son alone with him?

How much do you trust her?

I know he's an arse and he's made some bad life choices but I'm not letting that cloud my judgement. All I care about is my sons best interests. My son isn't that bothered right now but if when he's older he wants to try to build bridges then I will support him completely. Just now things are a bit tricky, he barely knows his dad and he's still a bit upset he left in the first place without saying goodbye or having any contact. Like it's confused him a lot.

Oh I don't trust her one bit. The last time (just before he left country) when he showed up at her house to see my son after so long, she told him my son was there, no doubt she arranged it. And yet he never once told him he was planning to leave. But I can't turn around to her and say sorry you can't see your grandson anymore because I'm scared your son is going to make my son uncomfortable. I know 100% whenever my son stays with her she's going to tell him he's there.

I am a head of year and see a lot of these type of issues with pupils at school. I agree with pp that it is important to let your son decide. Prepare him for the fact that when he next goes to see his nan, his dad might be there. If his dad wants any other type of contact though, that needs to be agreed and arranged with you before hand. I'll never understand how anyone could up and leave their kids, his behaviour makes no sense to me. Your son is bound to be curious and with you supporting him he will be ok.

He won't clear it with me first. He never does. I know what you mean, I can't understand anyone who walks out on their kids. I have since had another child with my current partner (due to marry in 4 months, yay!) and he can't fathom it. He's so involved in our children's lives. He treats my son as his own and loves his 100% the same as he does our little girl. He has zero respect for my ex for not being involved. Thankfully my son is not lacking in stability from our end.

Similar situation here, my lad started asking about his Dad a couple of years ago. Total waste of space, we had to go to the pub to meet him and I ended up buying the drinks, no financial input from him ever. Several empty promises later and my lad at 12 has decided for himself that he can't be bothered with him anymore. I agree contact should be as you tell him it will be but understand reason and arseholes don't really mix.

Let your son lead the way, but let bio nan know that you are his mother and if she can't be trusted to put her grandsons welfare first you will have to take control of her contact to, maybe point out that her sons behaviour makes you question her parenting.

As far as video chat whilst gaming, new house rule that if cockwombling wankerbadger sorry father is there son gives you a shout so you can monitor what's going on.

Good luck

Just seen your update about partner. If they have a good relationship I'd put money on your son loosing interest in bio dad fairly quickly.

Op I am in your position but ds dad hasn't been in touch for nearly 5 years and if he decided to get in touch now I would hit the roof. He owes me over £5000 in csa. I don't care about the money as I know my ds is better off without him. Stand your ground xx

How can you possibly 'know' this. Unless you e grown up not knowing one of your parents then you really don't know what it can feel like. If you care about your child then support them with their choice, rather than imposing your wishes on them.

It sounds like you're doing a great job raising a smart and very loved little boy. As his home life is stable and happy, I think you shouldn't worry about your ex impacting his life greatly (though realise your ex's swaning in and out, combined with no finance support is pretty annoying from your point of view). Let your son decide if and when he wants to see him. From what you've said of your son's comments, he seems to have a good understanding of what his dad's like.

I gave Exdh every chance to have contact, he kept claiming he had changed, and eventually after being let down repeatedly DS realised his Dad is a selfish cock.
It's best if they reach that conclusion for themselves IMHO.

I just don't know how any mother can raise a son who has kids by different women and doesn't support them or have a relationship with them. Honestly, I'd be deeply deeply ashamed. At least she is maintaining a relationship with the kids. I guess that's something.

She sees all her grandchildren even though her son isn't about. Even though ex is a bit flakey, my son still deserves the right to stay in touch with his extended family. He knows he has lots of relatives that love and care for him. I would be very ashamed if my son behaved that way when he grew up but history has a habit of repeating itself. Exs own dad walked out and didn't have much to do with him either. Which begs the question, if you know how it feels to he abandoned, why do it to your own kids?

OP - you seem very wise and balanced. My DP was abandoned by his dad as a child. His dad came back into his life when he was 18. DP accepted him back into his life; but this experience has impacted on his experience of being a dad; he hasn't walked out on any DCs, but he doesn't value himself and doesn't 'get' the value of being there day to day as a dad. He sees the mum as important, not the dad.

I agree to let your DS lead the way, but you need to manage his expectations; e.g. Telling him that his dad is not someone who will be there for him right now, but maybe he can be a sort of friend, sort of extended family member. And good for you for facilitating your DS relationship with his GM and uncle etc!