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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband has just made it worse?

26 replies

whatdoiso · 15/01/2017 09:19

DH decided he was going to 'do' controlled crying in the middle of the night with no word of it to me and poor DS didn't know what hit him.

DS is 15 months. Before Christmas I did some gentle sleep training with him for the first time. Very few tears, he got it quickly, cue 3 weeks of blissful bedtimes and nights with everyone sleeping.

First week back to work and DS picked up ANOTHER nursery cold (and gave it to me) Sleep habits went out of the window with coughing, temperatures and clingyness.

He's pretty much better now so we need to try and get back to his routine for his sake as much as ours. Last night I sat in his room as he drifted off to sleep in his cot rather than cuddling him.

Seems that in the night he woke up and I didn't (I've had consecutive colds with no let up since before Christmas and I'm on my knees). DH went into him instead. After drifting in and out of sleep to the sound of crying for who knows how long I finally woke up to the sound of DS screaming his head off. He was so worked up he as coughing like mad and could barely inhale. I couldn't bare to see him like that or lay in bed listening to the screaming. I intervened and settled him to sleep in his cot in 10 minutes.

I'm pissed off that DH just decided out of thin air that he would do this. I always put DS to bed and I sorted his sleeping last time. Just tried to put him down for his morning nap and he's more desperate to be cuddled to sleep than ever.

Am I BU to think that you don't just pull sleep training out of your arse in the middle of the night and actually have to think it through first? And that this is a massive set back that will cost us much needed sleep?

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 15/01/2017 09:32

You are tired and over reacting. Discuss things when you are both calmer, one way isn;'t necessarily right.

yorkshapudding · 15/01/2017 09:36

Are you sure your DH didn't just sleep through the crying like you did? Has he actually told you that he intentionally left DS to cry?

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 15/01/2017 09:47

Er, DH is an arsehole. Who does that to a baby?

Thattimeofyearagain · 15/01/2017 09:51

Very badly thought out. What if any was hos explanation?

user1484226561 · 15/01/2017 09:51

DH has every bit as much right to decide how to react to the crying child as you do. It sounds like LO has you pretty much wrapped around his little finger, if all he has to do is get worked up and you "can't bare to see him like that" - I expect DH is angry and frustrated with you. I would be furious

WhooooAmI24601 · 15/01/2017 09:53

I don't think he's an arsehole, he's probably just incredibly tired and didn't think it through. DH and I are generally on the same page with most parts of parenting but during tired moments he's made decisions I wouldn't have made. When you're exhausted you don't think coherently. Give yourselves both some time to rest up and talk it through when you're not so cross. Flowers though, because you sound as though it's been a tough time.

welshweasel · 15/01/2017 09:54

I think you're overreacting a little bit. You need to sit down together during the day and agree how you are going to tackle the sleep issue. For all your sakes you need to be consistent but one night is not going to have ruined everything that you've done. Maybe DH will have some ideas that you've not considered.

KathArtic · 15/01/2017 09:58

I always put DS to bed and I sorted his sleeping last time it does sound a little controlling. You need to talk with your DH and create a plan so he knows what to do. Your DH is probably tired and fed up and was just trying to help.

I do think some parents faff and create some of the sleep problems. I never stayed until they were asleep or rocked them everynight - I didn't have the time or luxury.

When mine were little we just gave them a last feed at 8pm and put them upstairs in their cots and left them....we didn't even have monitors. We never had any problems with going to sleep or staying asleep. DD1 slept through at 9 weeks and DD2 at 9 months (but only woke once for a feed and went straight back off)

MoreBushThanMoss · 15/01/2017 09:59

I don't think he's necessarily an arsehole... But I would be furious too - especially as it doesn't seem to be a sleep training method you favour (Going by your previous routine, pre-cold etc )

I'd have words today about how you want a consistent approach etc etc and that isn't it.

It would make me mistrust my partner tbh

MoreBushThanMoss · 15/01/2017 10:00

Sorry posted too soon -mistrust his communication skills with me (rather than his capability as a parent), if he randomly did something that he should know I felt q strongly about

ClaryIsTheBest · 15/01/2017 10:04

Well... I think both of you need to decide these things.

He should have talked with you before. But idk. Maybe he was just sour tired? Thought this was genuinely the best?

Cheby · 15/01/2017 10:11

I'd be livid too. The middle of the night is never a time to try something new, without discussing it. I fundamentally disagree with controlled crying on moral grounds and I would be really angry if my husband attempted it in the middle of the night with no warning. Thankfully DH feels the same and would never do this to our kids.

If other people want to do it that is nothing to do with us, it's none of our business. But as a couple with equal responsibility you have to be on the same page about it.

FutureMrsRanj · 15/01/2017 10:12

Sleep deprivation is awful- don't turn on each other

Topseyt · 15/01/2017 10:18

Did DH actually wake up? Or are you just assuming he did? My DH could always sleep through anything at all. If you're can too, and you didn't wake either then you don't know what happened? Perhaps, anyway.

Either way, you are both exhausted and not thinking clearly.

ohtheholidays · 15/01/2017 10:24

I wouldn't be pleased OP but sleep deprevation does strange things to most of us your DH could have been half asleep and worried about you not being well and going without sleep and just made the wrong decision in the middle of the night.

Original poster
whatdoiso · 15/01/2017 10:59

Yep, in the middle of it all this seemed like the worst thing in the world but an extra couple of hours kip and a cuddle and I get it.

He was definitely up with the baby, in and out of his room, just refusing to pick him up and standing outside the door for a few minutes each time before going back in.

I probably am a bit controlling about sleep, because it's always been a massive issue and it took loads of work to sort, so I'm a bit protective of it. I can see that this is unhelpful though.

DH was well intentioned but, as someone posted, the middle of the night is not the time to try something new without talking about it. Not least because the whole house gets woken up for hours without any warning! He was tired and frustrated though and trying to help. We'll talk it through today.

OP posts:
stella23 · 15/01/2017 11:59

You need to let him parent his child as well

NoraDora · 15/01/2017 12:08

Talk to him.

I imagine he's fed up of you controlling everything. In the nicest possible way, your methods aren't working. You are in partnership with your dh and should let him parent equally.

He made one bad night time decision.

Rixera · 15/01/2017 12:13

You can't just decide this randomly though, if he really thought something's got to give why couldn't he just talk to you in the morning about it?

I didn't CC, had huge issues with sleep and resolved at 19ish months so I get you. DD would injure herself, vomit, the whole lot if we just left her to cry- it's not weakness, it's not an option to me to let a child puke and smack her head on things when there's another way. And of course being ill will muck things up. But any mode of sleep training needs discussion.

Looneytune253 · 15/01/2017 12:17

Maybe that's the problem in your last post, you say you are quite controlling about it and has taken so long to sort? Let him take the lead but give him a little advise not to let the little one get hysterical. Sounds like he's got used to you jumping every time he murmurs. Hard habit to get out of but once you do you may find he will be better all round.

Bettyspants · 15/01/2017 12:21

I've had huge sleep issues with all children . I personally think cc is an awful thing to do to a child and it's certainly something I wouldn't expect DH to just do . Cc isn't meant to be just leaving the child to cry to sleep, it's very set intervals e.g. A minute then 2 minutes etc. Perhaps DH was just knackered and didn't hear the crying

Bettyspants · 15/01/2017 12:22

Sorry I obviously missed an update before posting

llangennith · 15/01/2017 12:35

Like any normal loving mother you're protective of your child and of course you're going to be distressed that your toddler was left to scream and sob until he was hysterical.
Most young children want their mother when they cry at night (yes I'm sure all Mumsnetter fathers are perfect) so decide with DH what works for you both and stick to it.

Baylisiana · 15/01/2017 13:02

Maybe it won't set you back, because the disruptions right now are probably mainly due to the cold and cough. I hope you all get a break from these bugs soon, I agree that when he has a cold and breathing difficulties it is not the time to do much in the way of controlled crying.

Backt0Black · 15/01/2017 14:27

YABU.

Youve stated you ALWAYS deal with sleep etc. You didn't wake up as youve been ill.. DH seems to have tried to help. Perhaps the you do things wasnt working last night for him, he was tired too and just desperate for sleep so tried something....anything rather than bang his head against a brick wall.

Its not like he came back in the room demanding that this is the way youre doing things now and that he is right and you are wrong.

I say cut the guy some slack.

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