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Original poster

To not go tomorrow because I can't face SIL

91 replies

FuckMeThundersnow · 14/01/2017 21:10

We have a family event tomorrow - nephew's second birthday. I honestly just can't face it. I'm thinking of lying and saying I'm sick.

I get on well with DH's family, but I'm not hugely keen on SIL. She means well, but I find her very hard work. She is a loud, bolshy woman and we are just chalk and cheese. She constantly shouts - when ever a child comes near her, she'll get right into their face and shout WELL HOW IS MY FAVOURITE BOY WHERE'S MY HUG etc. Unsurprisingly a lot of children find this too much, and will back away, but this makes her shout all the more. She does the same with adults too- just shouts, doesn't wait for an answer but continues shouting over you. I'm quite quiet and introverted, so I find this hard enough to deal with at times, but it's one of those things.

The problem is this. DH and I are going through fertility difficulties. His family don't know, mainly because I cannot bear the thought of SIL yelling about my uterus at family events, and I can guarantee she will.

The last event was my other nephew's christening, so DH family and BIL family, who I know vaguely. SIL had been pestering and pestering for a few months about me being pregnant, every time I'd have a glass of wine she'd been asking if I was sure I should be having that, claiming I was picking at my food due to pregnancy, made jokes about putting a bet on that DH and I would have a baby soon. It was relentless. Anyway, this all came to a head at the christening, when she informed other SIL that she was going to "drag the information out of me".

Her way of doing this was to greet BIL's family and to tell them I was pregnant. So there I was eating sausage rolls with random people coming up and offering me congratulations. You can imagine how I felt. Sil treated it all as a big joke, and shouted about how she was TELLING US TO GET A MOVE ON

DH ended up telling her that we weren't planning on having children any time soon and she needed to stop. He thought we should tell her about the infertility, but can you IMAGINE? It would give her a whole new thing to go on about

I think I know the reason why she is so obsessed with our potential pregnancy. She has two boys, but was openly desperate for a girl. DH is the youngest of his family by a good bit, and they have all completed their families - there are no granddaughters. When sil was pregnant with her second boy, she told fil that she'd be the one to give him a granddaughter at last, and when she found out she was having another boy she totally disconnected from the pregnancy. She was vile to other SIL during her pregnancies, until she knew they were boys too. She is the only girl in the family, and there are no close female relatives. My family on the other hand, is fairly girl -heavy. I'm pretty sure that she is obsessing about me getting pregnant because she thinks it will be with the longed for granddaughter. Quite frankly right now I wouldn't care if I gave birth to a four eyed swamp frog.

Anyway, I really don't want to go tomorrow. I've had a shit week and our failure at TTC is feeling very raw. I can't bear the thought of having to sit and listen to her nonsense. I don't really want to give up my precious Sunday to coo at other people's children while being constantly "joked" with about my own lack. I feel bad because the rest of them family are lovely, and I don't want to start detaching myself due to sil /TTC. But tomorrow I just can't

OP posts:
LandLock · 14/01/2017 22:37

Why doesn't anyone call her out on this. There would be outrage in our family if someone did what she has done and we are as laid back as you can get.

I'd skip seeing her for a long time.

LittleL232 · 14/01/2017 22:45

Don't go. Use whatever excuse you bloody well like and then have a nice day relaxing. Don't even let that douchebag cross your mind for a second.

RubbishMantra · 14/01/2017 22:56

You don't have to put yourself through this OP. Just make a decision not to go. I too have cringed at in-laws lack of boundaries.

I wouldn't even make an excuse, just "no, can't attend" is sufficient.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 14/01/2017 22:57

Snort at the SIL being misunderstood and terribly well meaning!

I'm struggling to find the kindness in deliberately telling their extended family that OP is pregnant as a ruse to force OP and her partner to reveal the (completely imaginary and paranoid) pregnancy.

Ugh. Manipulative and self centred to the point of err, weird nastiness.

OP, do please let yourself off being anywhere near this hideous woman! Kindness, hugs and gentleness is what you need.

For full disclosure, I do understand how easy it is to upset someone by accident... but this isn't that situation.

I was a crashing insensitive idiot who really fucked up by whittering on about how DS had changed my world blah blah blah to a lovely woman who was at that moment going through a miscarriage. I didn't know, and when she told me sometime after I was so so terribly ashamed of the way I'd whittered on, even if I hadn't known, I didn't stop and THINK.

That taught me a massive lesson in tact, and sensitivity, and I hope, I didn't hurt that poor woman too much Sad. Somewhat ironically I was going on about DS to hide everything else in my life falling apart, which she knew when we got closer after a while.

So, what I mean is, no one knows what anyone else is going through at any one time. But we can just try as hard as possible to be sensitive and understand that most people come from a well meaning place even if they fucked up a bit.

Which is all fine and dandy and doesn't apply to your SIL! Coming from a well meaning place? Nah. Kind? Definitely not. Trying to be as sensitive as they can. No no and no.

Therefore. Avoid and avoid and avoid. Protect yourself as you need it right now.

Good luck and hope you don't let her upset your equilibrium by even letting her occupy your head space for too long.

Justcurious000 · 14/01/2017 23:14

Currently reached a point in my long relationship with dealing with a rude, self centred SIL, that I'm finding myself becoming 'sick' before family events. My DH is fully understanding of this and is aware that she's done enough. I figured my own peace, sanity and happiness is more important that being subjected to an absolute dickhead. Although of course I do have to make an appearance once in a while. I think you should adopt the same attitude and stay away. You'll be a lot happier.

ConvincingLiar · 14/01/2017 23:20

Tell them all you've a massive hangover? I agree you shouldn't go. It'd be opening yourself up for a kicking.

Batteriesallgone · 14/01/2017 23:26

Well, two ways to deal with this.

  1. Don't go and don't see her.
  1. Go, and be really crude about the ttc idea. Talk about sex and cervical mucus and vaginas and positions preferably with more easily embarrassed relatives present. But only do this if you will enjoy it and know you are able to escalate it further than her Wink

Obviously 1 is best and more mature. I would probably end up having a drink and doing 2.

Cagliostro · 14/01/2017 23:37

hell no

GimmeeMoore · 14/01/2017 23:44

If it's dead cringey and will stress you out you need to invent a good reason not to go
However,it's likely she'll quiz,dig and want to know what's the score.asking your dh too
I'm a bit stumped,don't know how you'd get plausible lie.is there any way You can tolerate her loud demeanour,if it's an enduring trait unlikely she'll change

Bettercallsaul1 · 14/01/2017 23:57

Plead a broken toe, sore ears and D and V. In all honesty, any - or all - of these would be preferable to what you've described.

julf · 15/01/2017 00:04

Poor you. No certainly don't go - be kind to yourself. Hugs to you.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/01/2017 00:22

💐I'm sorry you're going through this & doubly sorry you're inflicted with a gobby SIL, who has no filter.

Definitely do not go tomorrow, there will be other family days when you're feeling stronger.

If your DH goes, threaten him with dismembering him with a rusty nail file if he tells them the truth.

Rkd808 · 15/01/2017 00:23

Agree with others that not going might be your best option but it's a shame to miss out of celebrating your nephews birthday. As and alternative I might get dp to have a quiet word with her and tell her that you've found out that you (as a couple) won't be able to have kids, you're dealing with the situation and don't wish to discuss it or have it brought up and that if it is you will both immediately leave.
As an aside you added that she isn't all bad, is it possible at the mother of the youngest family she's feeling a little alone, young children are hard and sometimes families forget the limitations with small children and make plans that are completely inappropriate (my dps have done this regularly, not through unkindness just not thinking). She sounds like a twit and her pregnancy comment was completely uncalled for but she might be the most supportive family member when you do have children, so maybe don't completely discount her.
Good luck with the ttc , I hope it happens for you xx

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/01/2017 00:25

Definitely don't go - just don't put yourself through it.
She might be well meaning, but she clearly has the hide of a rhino and about as much sensitivity! So steer clear for a bit.
Thanks and good luck for you. x

Stonewash · 15/01/2017 00:38

Don't go. And yes, get your DH to have a word, to say actually it's a difficult topic and you don't want to hear any more as it is too upsetting. You don't have to give details.

I think people should know better than to tease people about having children. 1 in 7 couples experiences fertility problems, so if an insensitive person goes on about it to anyone they know who hasn't had children, sooner or later they will be offending someone.

Flowers
MommaGee · 15/01/2017 00:47

So sorry youre going to wake up with a hangover and dv in the morning OP, beat to stay in your pj's on the sofa til Monday.

Could you talk to her privately at a different time (so when no one else is about for her to yell to) and tell her the constant comments are wearing
You can or don't have to tell her why
Just ask her to back off?

WyfOfBathe · 15/01/2017 01:23

Yanbu to not go, but I wouldn't feign illness because it's not a very long term solution. They'll believe you have an ear infection this time, but after 2 or 3 events missed due to illness I think that people would start to get suspicious - and it could end up a bit "boy who cried wolf".

Can you just tell part of the truth? Say that her obsession with your & Dh's sex life is wearing thin and you don't want to spend time around people who lie for attention. You don't need to mention that you're ttc.

GimmeeMoore · 15/01/2017 02:20

Your sil has the demeanour she has,you have to decide is it tolerable?
Given she your family,you need to adopt a certain ability to fake or avoid
But no you can't fake illness evermore.its not a realstic strategy

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 15/01/2017 02:29

why do you and your dh put up with it? would you allow a stranger to treat you like that?

Get her told - "shut the fuck up and mind your own damn business"
She does NOT 'mean well' at all.
Her plan is to give you hell until she knows whether you're having a boy or girl.

i've got a sibling who has 2 girls, she wanted a boy but nature had other plans.
My brother has 3 boys.....and she is incredibly jealous. Slags him and his parenting off to anyone who'l listen, has rang SS on the sly to report him and ignores his boys.

I don't understand this level of jealousy.
I don't get why they get such a kick out of pissing on your parade at every opportunity, or constantly 'getting their own back' on you for whatever transgression they feel you're guilty of.

what if you did have a dd?
You and dh need to stand up to her.
She is determined to make sure you don't get to enjoy your pregnancy should you conceive a girl.

ememem84 · 15/01/2017 02:44

Oh god. Totally sympathise. We have a relative who is like this. Totally obsessed with when I'm having a baby. The last time we saw her I was asked what was wrong with me and told to hurry up as I was disappointing mil. I don't get why it's anyone's business.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 15/01/2017 02:54

Yeah, don't go.

Take a day offFlowers

ClaryIsTheBest · 15/01/2017 03:22

A good side? Sure. I can deal with loud people. I myself have been told that just me general speaking voice is a bit on the loud side.

But this? That sounds awful. Telling people somebody else is pregnant when they aren't? Screaming about it? That's so rude.

Protect yourself and don't go.

EggnoggAndMulledWine · 15/01/2017 03:29

Na id not be faking anything actually. I'd be sending my dh and when she asks where you are I'd say she couldnt face another event being constnatly questioned about when she is getting pregnant, it gets a bit irritating and overshadows and ruins the day.

emmyrose2000 · 15/01/2017 07:14

SIL doesn't sound right in the head.

I wouldn't go, but I wouldn't lie (or have DH lie) about the reason either. When SIL asks DH why you aren't there, have him point blank tell her that both he and OP are sick of her bullshit.

Better yet, neither of you should go to any family functions until SIL is told in no uncertain terms to keep her mouth shut and to especially stop harassing you about pregnancy.

As for her obsession with a future granddaughter, I fear for that child if she ever arrives and wouldn't leave her around SIL at any time.

Billben · 15/01/2017 07:19

I don't think SIL means well at all. She turned against the other SIL when she got pregnant until she found out she was having a boy. She is eager for you to get pregnant so she can be put out of her misery of not knowing whether you would be the one to conceive the much coveted girl child for this family that she couldn't do. Your real troubles will only start when one day you'll conceive (hopefully soon) and it does turn out to be a little girl. She will not take it well.