AIBU regarding babies baptism

[chocolatebubbles]

Hi I am in a situation regarding getting our second child baptised. I don't want a massive party but my husband does. Our first child was baptised 5 years ago and we threw a huge party being our first. Only 6 of my family and friends attended whereas OH had a huge number of friends and family attend (over 50). His mum is a massive driving force and took over even though I had planned it she took it upon herself to invite people and paid for a round of drinks making my family look bad. I suggested to OH we have have a baptism and a quiet family meal and then if he wants a night out with friends or family to celebrate that's cool. He doesn't want this but has suggested we throw a party in our newly decorated home...eh no thanks or don't baptise our baby. I know neither of us are being unreasonable and I know the baptism is about welcoming the baby into the community but his family are very social and would expect something

I also think it's nice to do something similar for both dc - they ask about this stuff when they get older you know

If you are part of a big family, then it's nice to get to see each other now and then, and weddings, funerals and baptisms tend to be those occasions "hatches, matches and dispatches". I think it's nice, and will be nice for your older one to spend time with extended family.

I can't see how your MiL buying drinks "makes your family look bad" - sounds to me like a MN 'if it's a MiL then whatever she does will be wrong' situation. Many of us would see that as a kind and generous thing to do.

YANBU. It's a religious ceremony not an excuse for a party

What's the point in having your house decorated if you don't want to show it to your family?

Did only 6 of your family attend because he has many more cousins than you, or because fewer of yours were invited, or because they were invited but didn't come?

Is the issue the big party, or is it that it feels like an event that "belongs to" his family, not your family?

(I have opinions on baptising children that are unrelated to this, but I'll stick to just the family party bit of the question)

Yabu, he wants to celebrate with his family, as you did with your other child's baptism. It's not his fault you have a smaller family/your family don't come.

I feel I'm nearly throwing a party for his family. I don't mind the family members I see but his mum gets oh you can't invite them and not them. She invited two people to our wedding without asking was it ok. As for not having it in the house I would be the one running around making the house gets cleaned and I would rather not have that stress as I'm exclusively bf plus because it's in a house I feel they let the children run riot. Last time we had a party two children walked out the front door without their parents noticing.

Why does it matter who paid for the drinks?

Just have the party and dont worry about judgement.

I'm really struggling to understand what is wrong with the buying drinks but I do think it's unfair to have it at home if your DP isn't going to actually do the grunt work. My DP is much more sociable than I am and has a much bigger family but he would never expect me to be 'in charge' of a party. Be there and do a normal amount of helping and socialising but I wouldn't be expected to 'throw' the party iyswim.

It wasn't so much the buying the round of drinks that annoyed me it was the irony. Two weeks prior to the first baptism she offered to babysit to let me and oh go for dinner. We had dinner and I had a glass of wine which I sipped on he had two pints and we walked home. When we got home she refused to hand over our baby as we had been drinking. She then proceeded to say I'm keeping the baby in with me tonight. When I pulled my oh up on it he said she has this thing that people who've been drinking shouldn't be holding babies. I pulled her up on it immediately which is why I couldn't understand her buying a round in a room packed with people looking to hold the baby.

drip drip drip

Folk on here can't win, if they write a normal length OP and then add more info - like you would in a normal conversation - they get accused of drip feeding.

If they write a long OP outlining everything they get told the OP was far too long to read, and why did they think X, Y and Z was relevant anyway

OP said her MIL buying a round made her family look bad, she didn't say she thinks her MIL is a hypocrite for buying a drink at a celebration. I don't understand either of these 'problems' but they are different, hence drippy.

OP, I honestly don't know how you drag a relationship back from the place where people are going round 'pulling' each other up. You sound like you don't want a party that your MIL organises or one that your DP organises and you don't want to organise one yourself. Maybe just do nothing.

YABU - you had a big party for first born you should do the same for any other babies you have!

You said she bought a round of drinks and that made your family look bad.

Just be honest and say you don't like her. It's easier.

Can you not agree to the party on the proviso your DH cleans and prepares?

Yabu. Just plan a baptism and celebration and don't tell MIL til the invites go out.

It's OK he wants to have a big party. My partner's family outnumber mine by more than 10:1 so I understand how you feel, but I think you just have to put up with it in this case.

Your problem is your MiL and your DH's tolerance of her. She can't invite people to your events, change plans or tell you who's looking after your child. Be very firm and clear in saying no. Make sure DH understands that if he doesn't back you up he'll be staying with her for a while. If she pushes it, ask her to leave.

Sort it now by talking constructively and positively; otherwise this dysfunction is going to fester. Don't keep moaning about silly stuff (like buying a round)- get the real issues resolved.

I can get what you mean, but we are the other way round. I have a large family and husband doesn't. My first was baptised and we only invited direct family and godparents as I personally don't think you need a big party for a Christening but this meant out of 20 odd people only 3 were from 'his side'.

My grandma also paid for it all - as she has done for all her great grandchildren - the difference here is this was done discretely so I doubt my in laws are even aware of this fact!

Chocolatebubbles YANBU at all. You sound like a woman who has an unpleasant over bearing MIL and a husband who doesn't understand.

There is no way I'd want my MIL ever babysitting for me if she had threatened to not give my baby back. That is vile.

I agree with donquixotedelamancha don't sweat the small stuff. Decide with your dh what to do. agree to whatever is a compromise and then just go with it.

In your shoes, for me, it would be to have a party in a pub/restaurant/ caterered room where I would not be doing any clearing up! I would not be doing any running around.

The idea you have to do the same is a bit odd! We did similar. When dd was dedicated (similar to baptism) we were going to a big church with a big posh hall. We hired on some ladies from church for the food and had a lovely lunch afterwards, I think with alcohol.

When ds was dedicated over 9 years later we were in a smaller church with a decidedly ropier church hall! We invited a lot of people with kids do we chose not to have alcohol. Some of our friends at church helped us cater and we had a less 'posh' meal with kids acrivites. Dd was dedicated as a baby, ds as a four year old.

Anyway, it sounds like it is hard to reconcile your and your dh's plans so find a way to have a party and maybe say to dh you will take baby home early for a nap if it is too much for to be around do many people for you or baby.

Ps regarding drip feeding it is is sometimes the case that after posting things come to mind! Maybe it was annoying for MIL to buy a big round of drinks primarily for her family and the OP's parents not feeling able to/not bring able to reciprocate. But when thinking about it more the OP realised it was also ironic as her MIL had threatened not to give baby back after babysitting!