Apologies for the long post. I think all the background info is relevant.
I have a history of eating disorders which started in my mid-teens but got worse in late teens, continuing from there. They were a mixture of binge eating and severe calorie restricting with extreme exercising, in nasty cycles. Eventually I managed to reach a generally stable, "healthy" slim weight, but was not achieving it by healthy means. I would binge-eat junk food, and counteract it by exercise and fasting (unless in the company of others, in which case I would fall in line with their patterns). My mind was always consumed with weight loss and calories, and I measured my worth according to whether or not I was thin. This was how I was throughout my early twenties, and coincided with when I started a relationship with DP (this becomes relevant later).
I've seen many nutritionists/dieticians/counsellors/doctors over the years, and in the last couple have found some who have been a great help following a point at which I had become very thin and had dangerously low blood pressure and messed up blood sugar levels. In the end, what has worked best is to accept that, in my case particularly, slim does not in and of itself mean healthy.
With guidance, for the last couple of years I have been eating regular, nutritious meals no matter what, and keeping fit through regular but controlled exercise. If I feel the urge to binge on top (and often I do), I do this, but don't then compensate through restricting diet or over-exercising. This has meant in the end that I am much fatter than I used to be (though not obese or near to being) but in fact I am fitter, and my blood pressure, blood sugar levels etc are all far healthier. My overall mood and concentration have vastly improved.
With difficulty I've accepted my new shape, remembering all the positives. On occasions when I've started controlling my diet to lose weight I feel the old obsessive thought processes coming back, and feel worried that I'd run a high risk of falling back into old patterns if I were to continue along this line.
Advice from professionals has been to remember the benefits of how I am now, to work with what I am able to do, and to remember that contrary to society's overall view, thin does not automatically equal healthy, and in my case I am much healthier as I am now. I have shared this with some supportive friends and also with my partner.
In an ideal world, I'd eventually be completely free from bingeing and would then lose the weight slowly without even thinking about it. I've had a lot of guidance with diet and eat very healthily (more or less Michael Moseley-esque, but without very low calorie intake as that's triggering for me), binges aside. However, DP has made comments about my weight, saying for example that it's "hard to believe" it is healthier for me to be as I am now than as I was in our first years, and saying he thinks I have set myself a "psychological trap, " and that I should question the validity of the advice I have been given.
I have found both these comments upsetting and triggering; obviously a reason all this happened in the first place is because I was in the mindset of thinking I would be judged according to whether or not I was thin, and DP is openly doing just that. The fact he is citing those earlier years (it is relevant at the time he did not know about the eating disorder) while dismissing advice I've received more recently makes me feel he is not taking any of it seriously.
I think it is more cluelessness than maliciousness on his part, so how can I get the message through to him? It irritates me hugely that he thinks he knows best on this when he will have nothing to go on except vague misconceptions, whereas I, through necessity, have read most things going on the topic and poured time and money into professional help. He says what I've been told is "weird," "contrary to everything [he's] heard," etc.
The way he left things was by saying, "clearly this is not something I can talk to you about in any way," which isn't at all what I want. I value being able to be open about issues with him and feeling supported; later, it's been noted that I "haven't take criticism very well recently," and I can only assume that applies to this.
I know everyone says this, but in general he's kind, giving, caring etc...I am sure you may raise your eyebrows, but bottom line Is I'd rather address this whole thing with DP than LTB.
Clearly, I have a problem with mental illness as this is what got me into this mess in the first place -- so am I, now, in my own mind-trap? I don't think I am, but based on all I've written above, what do you wise Mumsnetters think? Should I be looking into ways to lose weight? Or if not, how can I get DP to back me on this and understand how damaging those comments were, as well as getting on board with my new regime?