To not want to end up like the horror MIL's in some stories??

[BravoPanda]

Just found out our baby due in a couple of months is a Boy. Now terrified I will end up in a Mumsnet MIL horror story in 2047. For those who have nightmare MILs what do you wish they would change/do differently? What makes a good MIL?

I say this in the hope my Son will end up with a fairly mentally balanced partner (male or female) and not some crazy entitled prince/ss

Thank you @violetgrey. I'm sorry things aren't the best with your MiL. And I feel so, so sorry for her. She's cutting off her nose to spite her own face and will end up alienating the one person she's trying to hold onto so hard, her son.

I think one of the greatest things my MiL ever said to me (on our wedding day) was that now that her son had found me she knew that if God called her home tomorrow she'd die happy, knowing that we were together.

I only fully understood how she felt when my DS1 married. We worry about our children. But when they find the 'right one', we know that we can relax and (invisibly) put that child's hand (and life) into the care of their wife, or husband.

I'll never understand women who are jealous over their sons. Why wouldn't you be happy to you know there is someone who loves and appreciates your child as much as you do? Someone who has their best interests at heart? It just doesn't make sense to me.

I have 2 MIL (DH parents divorced)

DH bio mum was awful at first. She made it clear she thought I had stolen her son, thought she could call in every day without calling as she 'shouldn't have to make an appointment to see her own son'. She really resented not having full control of him anymore.

She also tried to exclude me and tried to get DH to take DC without me. Horrible feeling when you have done nothing wrong other than 'take her son away'. She would hand out xmas pres to everyone except me for example. Also would try to blackmail us to let her take baby DD abroad without us and other such like.

Other MIL is lovely. Treats me as lovely as she does DH. I feel accepted.always call to arrange visits etc. No constant negativity and manipulation. I hope to be this way with my DILS.

Overall then I would say

Include DIL in all arrangements etc
Buy presents for DIL birthday etc
Don't invade boundaries. Ring before visiting and give space.

Don't insist on trying to do all the firsts without the parents.
Be glad when they meet someone not resentful.

Wise advice from girlywhirly 😀

The things you read about the horrible MILs doing- don't do those things.

Remember that there isn't one right way to run a household or raise kids. Reasonable people disagree on how to do those things. Your grown kids may do things differently than you did- this is not a judgment or criticism of you. Parenting and household management are different now than they were in the 1980s, presumably they will be different in the 2040s than they are now.

I have an odd MIL so unlike some I read about here - she is extremely distant and seemingly uninterested in seeing us (DH and I have a toddler DS). We have to initiate all contact with her, some of which is accepted, much of which isn't - she honestly hasn't ever once suggested coming over to our house, or us going to her, or days/meals out together. It's very strange.

A few days before Christmas we saw her, as I'd arranged for DS to see Santa and invited her and my DM along (before this she'd last seen DS in July, when we'd arranged a day out for his birthday). Later on back at our house, she gave me DH's birthday presents, for his birthday in mid-Jan - so she clearly wasn't intending to see us again before then! She tried to hold DS' hand a couple of times while we were out but he wriggled off and asked to hold mine or my DM's hand. I felt absolutely terrible for her as she looked a bit sad but what does she expect after making zero effort to get to know her grandson?

So there's definitely a balance between my MIL and some of the hugely overbearing ones!

My MIL is a twat to everyone not just me. So I think just being a nice human is a big part of being a nice MIL.

My mil is lovely, I only wish she was more comfatable in our home, she seems worried about imposing on me. Wheras I'm used to my mum, stroking in settling herself in and telling me what I'm doing wrong while drinking my gin

My son isn't even six months old yet, but I'm already planning on hijacking his wedding, being overbearing with his children, and practicing my cat's bum face for whenever his future life partner expresses an opinion.

MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

I technically have two mother in laws. See neither of them unless I've been on at DH for six months or more to call them/visit them. They're both vile to be honest. Neither spoke to me at my own wedding! They're controlling, manipulative, and we just don't have a relationship anymore to speak of. Which is sad to me. They never call, put any effort into the relationship, and when we do see them it's a series of pathetic mind games. Doesn't overly help she decided to tell her entire family and next door I was infertile, and her thoughts on the issue. Not ones of concern for me, I assure you.

Honestly I think in the future you'll find your own balance with your DIL, you sound like you're so caring, and the fact that you're even worrying about this is going to make you a lovely MIL.

You have to remember, I think, that people only tend to post their horror stories. There was a thread over Christmas for people who liked their MILs. Many posters said theirs were absolutely wonderful, the best thing since sliced bread, could barely find the words to describe how nice they were. Others said theirs were not absolutely wonderful but were decent human beings with the same number of flaws as anyone else, and they had a positive relationship with them.

I like mine. She does some things that bug me, but she's good company and kind and that goes a very long way. She would say similar about me, I think. We have a good relationship.

I like mine. She does some things that bug me, but she's good company and kind and that goes a very long way.

I feel exactly the same. Of course my in-laws annoy me sometimes - so do my own parents. I know they don't think I'm perfect, either - but they're nice, kind people and I do my best to be nice and kind too, so we rub along OK.

Don't interfere in the bickering/disputes/arguments/mild disagreements of your adult DS and DIL.
Don't, 99% of the time, take your DSs side.
Don't make occasional poisonous personal verbal attacks on your DIL, and never in front of the kids.
Don't expect that being nice and giving little gifts for birthdays/Christmas will make up for it and restore the trust.

I found out I'm expecting DS2 this week & we are 80% sure this will be our last. I'm disappointed our chance of having a daughter is slim but I'm not disappointed at having another healthy baby as I experienced difficulty conceiving both times so truly know how fortunate we are.

I think my own MIL has really clouded my judgement. like so many she thinks everything should be wife work. I grew up in a house where my parents are equals so this is something I really struggle with. DH was an only child & totally spoiled. I'm not going to rear our boys to think same & DH does things around the house - not as much as I would like but i'll never let him away with slacking.

In the run up to our wedding she started a massive row threatened not to come & to have none of her family attend. I told her I wouldn't be blackmailed & the only person she would be annoying was her son.

I take as little to do with her as possible & all communication is done through DH.

Equally I see how my own mum can be overbearing but everything is with kindness where my MIL is twisted. My own mum is showing me what also not to do as a MIL.

My step MIL is wonderful but I appreciate it's a totally different relationship.

It's hard. I consider myself a non judgemental person & very much live & let live. I hope to be a great MIL if I'm ever so lucky.

Not all mothers of boys are bad. I've been in theee relationships and the first his mother was controlling kept his bank card ( he was 21) would stir at times. We were together three years but he had been sheltered to the point he had no ambition or independence. I eventfully out grow him.I was 16 when we met. He hasn't been able to have a long lasting relationship and lives on his own after staying at home majority of his live.

My second relationship my ex had cancer in his teens, he was an only child and she was a peace of work. She hated I took her precious son away and hated it when I got pregnant. She was EA but I realised so was her son he left me for another woman. My mother hated him and saw right through him and tried to warn me, my db didnt like him either.

Third relationship who I'm married to my mil was accepting of me I was worried as I had DS from a previous relationship and thought she wouldn't like me but she did. Theres certain things that could be better I wish she make more of an effort to see DC but she lets us get on with our lives and is very pleasant lady.

I've got two boys I don't worry about their future relationships yet but I would be polite. I'm more likely to worry about my dd TBH I don't want her to make the same mistakes I did in my youth (picking the wrong person and having a child with them, it's a tough being a single mother)

From experience of mine:

Ask your DIL what she wants to call you - don't announce you will be Mum
Anticipate your son will be responsible for cards, presents, phone calls, organizing visits to you and his family members, not your DIL
Don't assume your son has the highest paid or most responsible job
Remember your son is now an adult, not a child any more. His likes and dislikes might have changed since he was 12.
If your son and DIL come to visit, try and make the house vaguely appealing to stay in, especially if you are loaded. A double bed would be appreciated (and not just when they are officially wed), a shower that is more than a dribble, towel bigger than a postage stamp and so on.
Again, if you are loaded, and your son and DIL are not, do try not to make them pay every time you go out to dinner together. It grates.
Finally, you may have a favourite child but please try not to make it obvious.

Crikey wolpertinger sounds like you expect the Mil to buy and refurbish a new house just in case the Dil looks down her nose!

My ILs have over £500,000 in savings. They have a nice en suite for their own use.

They made all visitors, married or not, use their kids single beds from 20 years ago for over 10 years until they grudgingly acknowledged a double bed for visiting couples might be nice - in fact visiting couples might like to sleep in the same room.

No-one wants to visit the ILs overnight - including her own sons and daughters - as we all get to use the 'family bathroom' with a loo that doesn't flush properly, no shower just a plastic attachment on the taps and no hot water. Nightmare for those bringing GCs as well.

There are numerous other examples - refurbish whole house, No. Make it vaguely more pleasant to spend a night in than a tent - Yes.

You can be the loveliest MiL in the world but if you have a DiL who is determined to take offence and a DS who doesn't deal with the issues, you will be tarred as being a nightmare whatever you do.

You hear a lot about awful MiL but hardly anything at all about awful DiL. I'm sure they are equally common and am pretty sure it's the awful DiL that become awful MiL. I don't think a good people suddenly change when their sons marry.

When your DS gets married, tread very carefully with your opinions about the wedding. That's a bloody minefield and I know lots of MIL relations than have been badly damaged.

Some MILs are a bit 'too nice' I think, I don't need mine to love me/support me like she does her son, I have my own mother for that.
I think part of the problem is that DH and I have been together since uni so in her eyes we were kids but to my mind I was an adult when I met her and would rather have a more 'equal' relationship rather than the one where we're the young kids that don't know anything and she's the one that gives unasked for advice.

I agree with this. My MIL is nice but I don't want to be mothered by another woman I have only had contact with since becoming an adult. It makes me feel uncomfortable. My DP thinks I should indulge her but I just can't - I have a mother for this already. The more she tries the further she pushes me away. I wish she would just treat me like an adult.

So, I don't agree that MILs should treat their DIL the same as their son. I expect I'm in the minority, though I can't help how I feel.

I am nice to her, as she can't help who she is.

I can't wait for my son to meet someone he loves and who loves him. I can't understand the mindset of any parent who doesn't want that for their child.

Equally, I can't understand women who view their mother in law as a competitor for their husband's affections. Or who throw around the term 'mummy's boy'.