To ask for tips on tolerating mil?

[Lou573]

She's a lovely, kind & generous woman, but ever since I had my baby 18 months ago she drives me absolutely bonkers. We didn't get off to the greatest start, when she was over our house every day when we had a newborn, turning up the afternoon we brought our baby home from NICU, constantly expecting to hold my baby for hours on end which I hated (crazy breastfeeding hormones maybe?).

Anyway, that settled down a bit, and I know it was only due to overexcitement, but I still have to grit my teeth when I'm around her. I think it boils down to the fact that she just won't leave dd alone - dd is very clingy and when she's woken up or hurt herself she just wants mum, but my mil is over my shoulder, stroking her hair, cooing at her. She leapt up from her seat at the other side of dinner table to do so over my shoulder last week and I felt like it was an invasion of my personal space, let alone poor dd when it's constant in her face.

I think she makes it worse for herself as dd is even more clingy as she feels mil is desperate to prise her out of my arms!

The constant fussing drives me up the wall as well, over what she's wearing, eating, playing with. She's a huge worrier, I understand, but I just can't bear to be around it. I'm not lax with my daughter's safety but I do believe in letting her learn through getting a few minor bumps and scrapes rather than wrap her up in cotton wool.

Anyway, I usually persuade dh to take dd to visit without me, which I think mil prefers as she gets dd all to herself and has no interest in talking to me anyway to be honest. She'll just talk to the baby rather than me when she visits, so I sit in my living room bored out my wits for a few hours. (If I leave the room dd screams).

However, we used to get on and long story short I'd really like to be able to tolerate her before I say something I'll regret. I'm pretty sure aibu but I'd really like not to be! At the moment I just feel like yelling 'back the fuck off woman!'. Any tips?? Does it get better??!

Oh dear that's very irritating.

Coukd you possibly leave your dd with your dh and have a coffee together with mil? Reconnect without dd.? That might sound like hell

It will get better naturally as dd gets older, more independent anyway but meanwhile carry on sending dd with your dh to see mil and keep your distance.

I always make a point of kissing my dils first and concentrating on them before turning to my gcs and wouldn't dream of jumping up first to see to them.

Some grans give us all a bad name

Could you spend some time with MIL without DD there? Maybe go out for lunch just the two of you or something like that? That way maybe you'll both see each other as the people you are again, rather than mummy and grandma

Why not leave baby with DP & go for lunch with mil just you and her. Without the baby around, you might be able to get something of your previous relationship back. People do tend to go a bit stupid around babies.

She does sound annoying

With that said, I do raise my eyebrows slightly at the frequent use of 'my arms' and 'in her face' in these sorts of posts. The first comes across as very possessive and a little melodramatic. The second is possibly projecting your feelings onto your DD, who probably loves your MIL.

Mils do seem to go a bit crazy when a baby appears for some reason...

I honestly don't think she means to annoy you, she just wants to be an active role in her grandchild's life.
Spending time with her without dd is, quite a good idea. But you need to get dh on side, she shouldn't be peering over
You and getting in your face, your dh should tell her to back off a bit, not in a mean way, he doesn't have to offend her, but he should be making sure you are happy.

I think though it's perfectly reasonable to feel possessive of your first baby and dislike other people constantly butting into the babies personal space.

mils do seem to go a bit crazy

Massive generalisation there I didn't

Thanks all, I hadn't considered that as I've just been focusing on seeing her as little as I can get away with! But seems like consensus so worth giving it a shot.

I think because I've never been one to go crazy over babies (even my own is much more loveable now I'm back at work 2 days 😂) I find the intensity of it all far too much.

I'd really like to be able to bear to see her in the week with dd when dh is at work, as it cuts in to precious family time if I send him off to visit at he weekend. I live in hope that sil (mil's daughter) will have a baby at some point, although it's 9 months away at least!

She did talk to me before the baby! As I said, she's perfectly lovely if irritating, so a large part of this is that I need to learn how to manage these feelings of annoyance.

the babies personal space.

Babies have no discernible notion of personal space. This is pure projection. It's natural for a mum, but it is not real.

Trifleorbust, I understand what you're saying, I just mean that dd is clinging to me, burying her head in me to try to avoid the interaction with mil on these occasions. Dd makes it perfectly clear (loudly) that she'd much rather be attached to me. Once she's comfortable I'm happy to let her go to anyone, but I just can't bear the constant touching and cooing and grabbing when she clearly doesn't want it.

I'd try to start seeing her without DC as suggested, but also start something that becomes her 'thing' (swimming with DC, gruffalo hunts etc) where you and DC go along, but it's clear that you are only in the background until DC is old enough to do it without you. And maybe start a nasty cough every time she gets in your face if you get really irritated by the space invasion. (Some people lose all awareness of other people when they get baby in their sights).

Just say "She needs her Mummy for now" and don't hand her over, OP. I get it, as I have my own newborn. It's not nice to see them stressed.

Oh and if she keeps on trying to babysnatch, then privately point out that you get the impression she doesn't trust you as she keeps trying to hold DC when you've got her, which makes you feel that she's not happy with how you parent, and can she please try to relax a little. She'll probably be mortified that what she sees as bonding, is being seen as judging and will hopefully calm down - which should then allow DC to chose to go to her. (And when that happens, make a big deal out of it, so she doesn't feel that your trying to push her out)

She's sounds a lot like my MIL, she's lovely and very well meaning, but can over step the mark in my opinion when I'm with her and my DCS, however, she does provide all our child care and I know everything she's does is just for the love of the children.
So the way I deal with it is just to have a mantra almost of reminding myself it's because she's love them and she's not doing anything maliciously; and when she's does do something that I feel I really have to pass comment on, I phrase it so that she can see its for the DCS benefit.
So my advice would just be deep breaths, remind yourself that you do like her, and, it's all coming from a good/well meaning place (by the sound of it)

It's really quite sad tbh - the more mil does this the more likely it is that your dd will back away

Awful because she obviously loves her but she isn't necessarily showing it in a way that isn't scary for a baby