AIBU? I know i am but i can't seem to help myself

[pinkiepie1]

Its nearly 1 and sat on kitchen floor crying and im not even sure why...
My dd is 3 and does not like sleep, she has just woken up and will not go back to sleep I feel like its a constant battle of wills and im losing. This isn't a rare occurrence, this is every night.
She has nursery in the afternoon so by the time she finally wakes up its nearly time to go, so she's missing meals then not hungry when I give her food. So I feel like a terrible mother because I can't get her to eat or sleep.
Then I obsess and get paranoid that she's 1, going to tell nursery that I don't feed her or 2, she will end up dying from some from thing.
Now I understand why I worry about this, we had another daughter who would be five now, but she was born 16week early and died when she was 2 days old. So I get where my fears are coming from.
What doesn't help is that I am currently 22wk pregnant with another girl, and the whole pregnancy feels like it did with my eldest daughter, so I am paranoid that something is going to happen to one of them.
Im not even sure why im actually writing this because I don't know what I am expecting people to say. I just feel so lost at min.
My husband is great but at the current moment is suffering after having his wisdom tooth out so he's getting a bit peeved with me because I cant give him much sympathy, and he's a man so no one has ever been in as much pain.
I just needed to get this off my chest.

Oh no, I'm so sorry you are feeling awful. Constant wakeups can drive you crazy, but at least you know you are BU! Toddler are designed to make us lose our minds!

Even if she did tell nursery you don't feed her (and I'm sure that isn't true) they would know it's just 3 year old normal rubbish! And she will be safe and healthy.

I'm so so sorry for your lost baby. This time must be so scary for you. I nearly lost my son at 22 weeks, and was lucky enough to hang on until 33 weeks, but I know many families who sadly weren't as lucky. It's heartbreaking, and I'm sure makes later pregnancies times of terror rather than joy.

Not much else to say, except I hope you are feeling a little better.

Oh lovely, the small hours can be so hard.
The only thing I find helps is to try a recognise the bad thoughts for what they are. Naming them can be powerful, even if they don't go away.

Offering a hand to hold xx

Thanks for the replies, I think its tiredness and hormones don't help any, make everything seem worse, I did actually feel better after writing /typing them down. Feel more of an idiot now for getting so worked up lol.
It's hard because all I hear is 'oh enjoy it!' 'every pregnancy is different!'
I want to scream at them, can you put your life on it that it will be ok. I also feel bit bad because I feel like I've distanced myself from this pregnancy, then in the next breathe worry same will happen so I guess im not as disconnected as I think.
I've decided im doing what's best for me and throwing all books out of the window, I think we all need a decent night sleep so im going to put her in my bed, husband said he's happy to have space in her bed for night so hopefully everyone can sleep.
Xxx

You have so much on your plate right now, no wonder you are in tears (TBH I may have joined you reading your OP as it brings back memories for me) .

My DS was a non-sleeper and a non-eater. Life seemed to be a vicious cycle of being awake all night, not napping, having meals go uneaten, tantrums and anxiety. Things didn't get better til he was three, started nursery and started sleeping better.

I think he was too tired to eat properly and then too hungry to sleep properly (basically, although I wish I had realised it months/years earlier).

I started by pretty much givin up on mealtimes for him. There would always be a plate of food available for him when the rest of the family ate, but I stopped expecting him to eat with us. Instead, I provided a continual flow of snacks so he could graze, there was always a plate with some fruit, bread, pasta, cheese, veggies on sitting on the side in the living room and he just helped himself. The grazing really suited him, probably because it took all the focus away from eating. Then, once his tummy was fuller, he started sleeping/settling better, then he would eat better and now (aged 8yo) he sleeps like a log and is a much more confident, enthusiastic eater.

I also tried to stop battling with him to get him to sleep at night. I set up a mattress on the floor by his cot (with a pillow and duvet) and when he woke in the night I would just go into him, say "Night night" and then curl up on the mattress and pretend to be asleep. He would bumble about, sometimes shout at me, but I would just say "Sleep time" and not make any eye contact. I got a bit more shuteye and I think he slept a little better too. Anyway, probably not practical for you being pregnant, but you just do what you need to do to get through the night and get some rest for you both. Use the books for ideas, but only to find the right approach for you, not to beat yourself up when things don't work.

And in the meantime, is there anyone who could give you a night off? Ideally your DH. Book yourself a night in a Premier Inn and get a decent night's sleep. So DH might have a rotten night but I'm sure he'll survive.

(P.S. Just seen that you plan to try swapping beds - I hope it works, and don't be afraid to use it for a while if it is helping, especially if you try sneaking some more food into her during the day. Play the long game).

Yeah I think its become a vicious circle now, she's hungry when it's sleep time, then gets past it by the time it's cooked.
I think ill go shop tomorrow and get some snack-y bits in and see if that works, at the moment will try anything, I just feel bad when she's not eating cos she's tiny as it is and can't afford to lose any weight.
My parents have offered to have her, but she won't stop out anywhere, I might try stopping at my parents for a night, let them have some daddy-daughter time, (it will be my turn to be looked after lol)
I feel like karma has officially come to kick me because I never used to sleep as a kid, I think I was 8 when i started to sleep. I never realised how much stress I gave my parents until I went/going through it. It definitely gives me more appreciation for them.
I think as well you feel like you're the only one going through it and a failure because of it. Because I don't hide my problems I forget some people don't say what they are going through so I feel more 'its me' everyone else is better at this than me. If that makes sence lol xx
Xx

It definitely isn't you.
There aren't shelves and shelves of parenting books in every bookshop or numerous parenting websites all aimed at parents who aren't struggling. No, they are aimed at the vast majority of us who find one bit or another of being a parent harder than we thought possible. They'd go out of business if it was just you and me going through this stuff.
Oh, and you are allowed to have a daytime nap on the sofa while your DD watches her favourite episodes of Peppa back to back, so long as she is safe. Anything to make the days and nights bearable. You need to look after yourself a bit to be able to look after your DD and your bump.

Really brilliant advice from Perspicacia, when things are this bad forget what you think you should be doing and do whatever works so that everyone eats and sleeps.

My DD ended up in a really bad routine causing similar problems to the ones you're having and I did much the same with food, snacky stuff I knew she would eat constantly available rather than proper meals. We coslept for a while too and slowly it all got better.

Once you've broken the pattern and feel more in control again you can look at re-establishing a routine, proper meals etc but for now you just need to make it as easy as possible and give yourself a break.

I had 3 early miscarriages before DD and although it's not the same as what you went through I understand the paranoia totally and it does make everything else harder to deal with when you're living in fear like that.

Best advice I can give you is talk about it, on here if that's most comfortable or to DH, family or friends. All that fear and anxiety needs an outlet and somehow it gets a little less scary the more you say (or type) it out loud. Don't feel alone though, there's heaps of support and understanding on here

So sorry you are having such a rough time. It sounds really awful for you.

Can I just say, it's completely understandable that you feel anxious about your current pregnancy, and maybe that's something that's worth bringing up with a professional dealing with your pregnancy, Maybe they have some information that will help you (to hopefully be able to enjoy your pregnancy a bit more.
I am not a psychologist, but it sounds like you are trying to distance yourself from your pregnancy because the fear that you will ultimately lose this baby is overwhelming.. I've felt this way before, it is anxiety. Do discuss with your dr, they might be able to get you some counselling. It does help.

In regards to the food, if she was absolutely ravenous, she would stay up to eat, so she's probably getting enough, even if not an ideal amount of food. What about making up a pasta bake type of thing, which you can put in the microwave for a few minutes for when she is hungry... this way she has access to a meal when she wants it.
How about you go to your parents or get DP to deal with DD for one day, so you can catch up on sleep, get him to keep her up and busy as much as possible in the day, come evening she will be exhausted, but it is in the right direction of re establishing a sleep routine.

It is possible that DD doesn't even need the nap in the day, all kids are different, DD was one of the very few I've known who didn't really need a nap during the day, and didn't have one from a few weeks old until (and only) when she was at nursery.

For the time being though, do whatever you can just to get through, give DD whatever you can to eat, and get all the support you can with helping to get some sleep yourself. Good luck! X

My eldest DD was just how you describe.
I honestly got through it by buying a double bed and co sleeping with her in her room for a year or two (dh was supportive and didn't give a shit as long as we all slept)
She survived basically on raisons yoghurts and some Crumpets and quavers!
For about a year.
Nothing wrong with her.
I just chose the path of least resistance.
She's not 9 and just an amazing kid who could sleep through a storm and eats me out of house and home.

Totally understandable why you are not enjoying your pregnancy and worrying, so sorry for your loss.

With your daughter, when you say She has nursery in the afternoon so by the time she finally wakes up its nearly time to go, so she's missing meals then not hungry when I give her food., do you mean she is having a morning nap or she is only waking up from the night just before nursery as she has been awake in the night?

It sounds to me (and I'm no expert), that she may be in a vicious cycle of night waking and day sleeping and you need to try and break the pattern. Have you tried waking her up in the morning by 8/9am or cutting morning nap to try and get her back into the habit of being awake more in the day? Have you spoken to your HV?