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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a bit rude?

12 replies

judybloomno5 · 12/01/2017 18:37

I arranged to meet up with a family member for a cup of coffee tomorrow last week. They asked me and I said yes. They have just messaged me and said 'Judy are you still available tomorrow?" I said "Yes" and they said "OK I will let you know for definite in the morning". They do this regularly, arrange something and say "we will let you know for definite on the day". I just find this very frustrating. AIBU?

OP posts:
user1483387154 · 12/01/2017 18:41

That would annoy the hell out of me, having to wait around and for them and then possibly be cancelled on especially as they asked you!

GruochMacAlpin · 12/01/2017 18:41

I would find that very odd.

But then I think my DH's family are odd because it takes them six phone calls to arrange anything where in my family we make all the decisions nice and quickly in a ten minute phone call.

Why confirm the day before if they are going to reconfirm tomorrow?

Unless they have an illness where how they feel might come into play.

ilovesooty · 12/01/2017 18:42

Perhaps when you're asked if you're still available express surprise at the question as your understanding is that you'd made a definite commitment.

Megatherium · 12/01/2017 18:42

Yes, it is rude. Text back and say "I've been keeping the morning free for you. Please confirm now."

And next time you make any arrangement with them, clarify with them that that you need to know for definite there and then, not wait till the day for them to confirm - point out that if you keep time free for them it's really rude to cancel at the last minute; also that it comes over very much as if what they're saying is that they'll meet you unless they get a better offer, which is incredibly off-putting.

Floggingmolly · 12/01/2017 18:42

Incredibly rude Shock. They expect you to commit to a time in advance and organise your day accordingly, but they wait till the last minute to see if they get any better offers themselves?
Why would you go along with that more than once?

100milesanhour · 12/01/2017 18:44

It's so frustrating when that happens.

It's rude. Could you message tonight to ask if they are going tomorrow as you have something to do.

SnatchedPencil · 12/01/2017 18:46

It's understandable to find it frustrating because it makes you feel unimportant. It shows that they have things which they consider to be more important to them than to make firm arrangements with you. It's not very nice, but some people are like that.

It depends of course on what their alternative course of action is if they do cancel on you. If it's that they might feel like staying in bed all day, they are rude and unreasonable. If they are a doctor on call, they might legitimately not be able to make a guarantee of their availability until the day itself.

The problem you have is that you and your family member have different perceptions of what is polite in circumstances like this. One of you will have to change, or at least learn to accept the other's behaviour, or you will slowly build up the resentment.

If it were a friend, it would be easier to say that you were "drifting apart" and that you shouldn't worry about them any longer. It's not necessarily so easy with a family member. If you politely, calmly explain how frustrated you feel about this the next time you see them, perhaps they will change their habits, perhaps not. But you'll have tried, and you will know whether it's you that has to make the change, or them - or whether it really isn't worth the bother.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 12/01/2017 18:47

YANBU. I wouldn't bother making arrangements in advance with them again, just tell them to phone on the day and if you are free you'll meet up, but if not then you won't.

HellonHeels · 12/01/2017 18:50

Phone back and tell them you'll let them know in the morning if you're still available.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 12/01/2017 19:11

From now on, when they do this, the immediate reply from you should be is:

"I will let you know for definite in the morning"

See how long it takes to piss them off Grin

princessmouldilocks · 12/01/2017 19:17

Ugh my mum and sister do this all the time. Yes they are been rude, with my"family" it is usually a case of if something better comes along.

Original poster
judybloomno5 · 12/01/2017 22:47

Its incredibly annoying, their parents are the same and did this on xmas eve. I told them i needed to know by x time otherwise id assume they weren't coming as we were ordering fish for the supper. They didn't tell us by the requested time and they rang me the day before to say they were coming. They have form for it across the family but none of us have ever said anything.

Ive told him I am going to be in town between 12-2. If its not been then then I will not meet him. Ive got stuff to be getting on with!!!

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