to refuse to socialise with my friend's ex and new gf?

[macnab]

DH has a friend who he's known since childhood. I've been with DH for 20 years, so have known this friend all that time. He met a girl who I instantly clicked with, and we became firm friends. They married but he's a dick and eventually (better late than never) they split. At the time, he wanted me to take his side and dump my friend. He was very put out that I took her side (I'd been listening to and supporting her for many years, and was glad that she'd finally had the courage to ditch him!) so things have been frosty between us since then. My DH keeps in touch with him, I've only seen him a handful of times in company and didn't get into any real conversation with him.

For the past year he's been seeing someone and on a few occasions he's said to my DH that we should all go out together (like a foursome, like we did years ago when he was married to my friend) DH did say it to me a couple of times and I explained that it would be very uncomfortable for me so no, I don't want to. DH has now said that his friend has asked again and he feels really bad saying no at this stage, and that he thinks we should go out with them.

We both work fulltime and my DH works weekends a lot so we hardly ever go out. I don't want to waste a rare night out with people that I really don't want to be with. I'm sure the new girlfriend is lovely but she's not really my problem, my problem is her dickhead boyfriend. Am I being unreasonable?

It sounds to me as though you think your DP's friend is a right jerk, and you don't want to socialize with him because of said jerkiness. Which is totally fine.

I don't think you need to dress that up in terms of 'loyalty' to one side in a split. To be honest, I actually think it muddies the water and tends towards a kind of playground view of relationships that is rather black and white. No-one outside a relationship ever really knows what went on inside it. If you don't like someone's behaviour in the round, you don't need to cite loyalty to another person to call time on a friendship.

I don't think it really matters what you reasons are, though they seem entirely reasonable anyway. I think it's healthy in a relationship to have non-mutual friends as well as mutual ones and unhealthy to feel obligated to socialise with people you don't want to just because your partner likes them.

Your DH can take up squash, and go and play it with his mate, or snooker, but you will not be going out as a foursome. Explain that this is the same if he held racist views, or opinions of women best left in 1952 - you don't like him and don't wis hto be in his company.

Might he blame your friend if you refuse to meet and take it out on her in some way?

What snip said.

I've go, and show him up in front of his girlfriend SO BADLY that he would be unlikely to have the girlfriend for long, and almost certainly never invite me out again

No, I think his reasons for wanting to go out as a foursome again is to normalise his behaviour. To make it "all ok". To help erase his previous relationship and show that this is the way it is now. He doesn't expect that other people would or should have any feelings about it because he's a self-absorbed prick who only thinks about what HE wants, and what HE wants is to move on completely and have things the way he feels they should be, which is going out as a foursome with his new GF and his best mate + wife.

I doubt very much he even has an inkling how little the OP likes him!

I'd really rather not go and then be arsey with him, I'd prefer not to be in his company at all. I also wouldn't want to put my DH in that position, he'd be mortified! I totally agree with those saying that he wants us all to go out together to normalise his behaviour. I don't want any part in that. I'm going to continue to keep my distance.

ThumbWitches puts it much better than I did - exactly, he wants to have it normalised - out with his girlfriend, best friend and bf's wife, like things used to be, just him with a different partner. What's wrong with that?