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AIBU?

Men!!!

21 replies

bellyphant · 22/02/2007 14:06

Am I being unreasonable to expect my other half to do his share with our 18 month old?
Little one has just stopped having a daytime nap and by tea time things are a bit stressed(mainly me!) But hubby comes in and expects to get a shower and his tea in peace leaving me to bath and put toddler to bed. When is it his turn I'd like to know? I've worked all day too! I've tried dropping hints, Ive tried telling him straight but nothing changes. Aggggh!

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KathyMCMLXXII · 22/02/2007 14:08

No, he should share.

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bellyphant · 22/02/2007 14:12

But how do I get him to see it my way?

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kslatts · 22/02/2007 14:18

What if you asked him "Would you like to cook tea or bath dc?" this normally works with my dh at least he will then do one of the things.

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bellyphant · 22/02/2007 17:42

sounds great but teas already cooked by the time he gets in or me and Zac would be starving. To be honest I cant see him changing.......

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KathyMCMLXXII · 22/02/2007 17:42

Who does dishes, cleans kitchen after dinner etc?

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bellyphant · 22/02/2007 17:42

sounds great but teas already cooked by the time he gets in or me and Zac would be starving. To be honest I cant see him changing.......

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motherinferior · 22/02/2007 17:44

So don't cook his tea. Eat with Zac. It's not everything, but it's a start. Wpuld that be a start?

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sunnysideup · 22/02/2007 18:27

Just tell him that his responsibility is to help you and take at least an equal share of the work when he gets in.

You have 99% certainly been working harder than him all day and are more tired.

And the main issue is his relationship with his child. He really, really needs to get involved and do the work in order to have a real, proper relationship with his child.

I just think you must not let him get away with doing nothing. tell him what you want him to do when he gets in (spose I'd let him have a shower first if you must). Lots of dads come straight in and take over the childcare...your dh seems to have a very detached attitude to his child. Don't let him get away with it.

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kittywaitsfornumber6 · 22/02/2007 18:45

Well, you've both worked all day. Different work, but work none the less. I think you need to sit down and calmly discuss how you can bith incorperate some rest time in the evenings.

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Pann · 22/02/2007 18:49

"Some Men!!!"..or.."This Man!!!".....>

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ludaloo · 22/02/2007 19:06

I feel your pain belly

I have an 18 month, a 3 yo and a 5 yo. Last night he arrives home just in time for bath and bed...but of course has to eat his tea...(which I lovingly prepared)...then go out for a fag....then watch Top Gear....and then of course has a poker tournament starting so he can't possibly help!

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kittywaitsfornumber6 · 22/02/2007 19:12

Sunnyside up, don't you think you are making huge assumptions about this man? You don't know what his work is. I think it's very insulting to say that Bellyphant is 99% likely to be working harder then him. How could you know that? You seem to be wanting to stir things up which isn't helpful or constructive. How can you make any sound judgment about bhis relationship with his child based on the fact that he wants a shower and to eat when he comes in from work. He has years to have a relationship with his child.

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tia2 · 22/02/2007 19:20

WHY DONT YOU TAKE TURNS THATS WHAT I DO WITH MY PARTNER WE KNOW WE BOTH WORK HARD ALL DAY IVE GOT THRER GIRLS ONE WHO HAS SPECIAL NEEDS! SO WE JOB SHARE WITH HOUSEWORK KIDS AND COOKING!

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ponylove · 22/02/2007 19:28

When my DS was 6 months old and DH was not getting involved enough for my liking I decided I had to do something about it. Having a go at him wouldn't have worked so I came up with a devious solution. DH would like his supper earlier than I ever manage so I told him that if he bathed DS and did storytime he would get his supper earlier. It worked a dream. DS now 17months, DH still doesn't get his supper before 8.30 but he absolutely loves his special bathtime with DS without me getting in the way. He wouldn't have it any other way now.

Conning DH definitely works better than having a go. Give it a try. I've also found that the more DH does with DS the more they both enjoy it. He just needed a kick up the arse first.

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UnquietDad · 23/02/2007 14:11

Let's not have a "Who's been working harder?" argument or it will end in bloodshed. I know some stay-at-home parents who work hard and others who sit on their arses all day. Likewise people in offices.

Try giving choices. "Do you want to do the X while I do the Y, or vice-versa?"

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Mumpbump · 23/02/2007 14:14

Get him to take your child into the shower with him. It would give you some peace and them some QT. Or, better still, get dh to have a bath with your child - this is what my dh does and it relaxes them both...

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sunnysideup · 23/02/2007 17:10

mm, yes perhaps I was a little over the top - but this issue REALLY gets me heated. I can't stand men who have little or no input into the child rearing, if they are at home and available - I know some men are in the position of having little involvement if they don't get in till the children are in bed. But I just cannot respect a man who does nothing with his own children when he is in the house. And Kitty, I don't think it's being fair to the child to say 'He's got years to have a relationship with his child' - it may be too late at some putative point in the future when he suddently fancies it, to make a real deep profound relationship. Some of building that comes in the earliest days when you are caring for your child.

And I guess I'm lucky, my dh has always told me that he feels people caring for young kids at home have the hardest job. He's always valued that - though unquiet dad is quite right, not helpful to get into that really - except that implicit in the op's DH's actions when he comes in is the view that he is tired and needs to do anything other than any childrearing!

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nightowl · 23/02/2007 17:44

"hubby comes in and expects to get a shower and his tea in peace"

i cant see anything wrong with that when he's been at work all day?

couldnt he get his shower and tea then bath and put your ds to bed while you go get a bath/shower/relax a bit etc?

or if he doesnt come back until early evening say, couldnt you give ds tea earlier then wait to eat yours with hubby if that's what you wanted?

you dont say what kind of job he does or what time he gets in though so hard to advise.

im not sticking up for him but ive seen both sides here. i've worked full time, not getting back until 7pm (from when ds was 18 months up until he was 7)and ive been sahm too, (with newborn up until she was around 18 months) (now work part time). both were equally hard. i dont think anyone can honestly say which one of you works hardest.

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Judy1234 · 23/02/2007 18:02

If you went back to work full time then he might have to be the one home first doing all that on the evenings you worked late which might help ensure a fairer household.

If that isn't possible go out two nights a week and hand the child to him when he gets in the door.

And other than that just be nice and communicate what you want and I like the two choices suggestion. What you mustn't do is be fed up but not effect change.

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minipluffmum · 24/02/2007 00:16

you could try eating with Zac and then when DH comes in, get him to take Zac in to a bath with him when he gets in. Then, DH can get himself and Zac dried, bring him in to say goodnight to Mummy and put him to bed while you get DH's tea.
Try putting it to him that he will get the best possible chance of quality time with your DS this way (bath time's the best time of day according to my DH)and still be clean and able to eat in peace.
I'm sorry, but I do think he's being a self centred lazy s**t and that you're not being unreasonable at all!

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ZombieSpammer · 10/11/2022 22:01

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