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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH huffing and puffing

49 replies

Squishmitten · 10/01/2017 18:18

Sorry if this is a bit long. Basically, my DH has a habit of huffing and puffing, eye rolling, tutting etc. whenever he perceives that I have 'done something wrong' and it is really, really winding me up.

So for example, just now his running gear was in the washing machine (where I put it - not washed, but ready to go on when there's a full load), rather than on the floor where he left it last night, so he couldn't find it. Cue lots of huffing and puffing. Other recent examples that have caused this reaction include me leaving lights on in rooms I'm not currently in and forgetting to lock the back door. I appreciate that I am by no means perfect and I probably wind him up in equal measure, but I wouldn't mind if he actually said something to me, it's the passive aggressive contempt that I can't stand. I don't know whether I'm overthinking this because I once read that contempt is the death of a marriage and this is making me sensitive to it. On the other hand it makes my blood boil and I'm struggling to keep my mouth shut.

So, my question is would I be unreasonable to say something to him about this. If not U, what do I say that won't cause an argument? Or do I just try to be less of a pain in the arse?!

OP posts:

honeylulu · 10/01/2017 20:35

My husband does this sometimes. The only thing to do is to address it head on by asking if he has something bothering him then to come out and say it as I'm not a mind reader. This does usually snap him out of it.
I used to be a terrible sulker and non- communicator who wanted him to guess how he'd upset me. Eventually I grew up and trained myself out of it. Sometimes I tactfully remind him of this and say "let's discuss what's bothering you, we can sort it out and then we'll both be happy again". He can hardly disagree with that.

MoreBushThanMoss · 10/01/2017 20:40

Forget huffing and puffing... I've got a growler!!! Where others huff or puff, he growls! Makes DM very discombobulated ... Have to remind her DP doesn't mean it and is basically feral...

stella23 · 10/01/2017 21:06

I usually go with 'is everything ok?', said sweetly with a smile.

Oh come op that's what he wants, don't give him permission to moan.
Ignore him, my stbex huffs, the more I ignore it the louder it gets.
It's quite comical how loud he can huff sometimes.

A little tip - don't laugh it pisses them of more 😜

Elledouble · 10/01/2017 21:11

Mine sighs and mutters.

I have been known to say "are you deflating?"

paxillin · 10/01/2017 21:12

Maybe even a sharp "I notice you are huffing and puffing because I have put your smelly running gear into the washing machine. Do it yourself next time, and switch it on, hang it up, fold it and put it exactly were you wish to find it".

Original poster

Squishmitten · 10/01/2017 21:14

elledouble I genuinely snorted

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Original poster

Squishmitten · 10/01/2017 21:36

paxcillin That is pretty much word for word what I'm thinking when he does it, but I try to bite my tongue. I think saying this would turn it in to an argument about the gym kit (or lights or whatever) rather than addressing the fact that he appears to think he's above me for some reason.

honeylulu it sounds like you've found a good way to deal with it with your DH, which fills me with hope!

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SSYMONDS · 10/01/2017 21:39

My husband used to do this. He's s good man but a bit passive aggressive by nature. The only way it stopped was to pull him up on it every single time. As in 'you are huffing and puffing as though something has upset you. Can you take responsibility for your feelings please and explain what the problem is?' He would say 'nothing' and be super moody, but it just became too much bother for him in the end and he stopped doing it.

Stop trying to avoid a fight and push back - it'll be uncomfortable for a bit but when he realises he's doing it and that you won't tolerate it, then he'll have s word with himself and stop. You need to nip this in the bud for the sake of your relationship.

If that doesn't work, film him and play it back to him. He probably doesn't realise how unpleasant it is!

ClaryIsTheBest · 10/01/2017 21:45

Dance a jig and stomp whenever he does this?

It sounds dreadful. Reminds me of my (actually very lovely) mother.

paxillin · 10/01/2017 21:48

The other defence against a huffer is relentless positivity. Be an annoying cheerleader. Even a patronising one. Come on, let's find that kit, jolly jolly, here we go, it was just where it belongs, isn't that marvellous, dear? Off you pop, enjoy your ru-un! Mwah mwah!

MotherOfBeagles · 10/01/2017 21:55

pax I do that! My dh is definitely a huff puff eye roll man! A few times I have snapped and told him to stop being a twat and spit it out. Not my finest hours but oh well. I managed to address it when we had a conversation about his "only child" bad habits and not taking into consideration sharing a life properly instead of someone doing what he wants.

Also now whenever we watch a film and someone does it in a film (rom coms, John Wayne movies, etc) lol I go oh isn't that irritating. Accompanied with face.

He still does it but not I've addressed it with him I can be sarcastic with him and he gets the hint.

Oh and also funny as our dogs have picked up the habit! When waiting to be let out etc they huff. Hilarious.

Original poster

Squishmitten · 10/01/2017 21:57

ssymonds yes I think you, and pps who have advised to address it head on, are right. I'm not good with confrontation, but quietly seething with rage isn't doing me or my marriage any good. I don't think I can make light of it or ignore it either. The whole thing feels too important. Like it could be symptomatic of something potentially very bad unless we deal with it now.

You are all very wise.

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HaloOnFire · 10/01/2017 22:03

My mother is a huffer, usually at the checkout in Tesco. She can be exceptionally rude like that.

I usually ask if she's ok or should I get her a chair.

RubyWinterstorm · 10/01/2017 22:15

Asking sweetly if he is ok does nothing, as you've established.

Why is it up to you to keep the peace?

So what if you have a row, or you cry? What terrible thing would happen?

Tell him you feel he is treating you with contempt. If you cry or shout... fair enough, this IS something to get upset about.

Or find your own style, if my family annoy me I retaliate with song

So if DH huffed and puffed I 'd go:

"He's-huffin-and-a-puffin-he's-a huffin-kinda-guy"and do jazz hands

(I grew up with three brothers so I have a phd in how to annoy someone back without actually overstepping the mark )

kaputt · 10/01/2017 22:33

What ssymonds said (!). Treating pass ag with pass ag only works if it's VERY occasional.

Mine did this. Exactly the same thing, as though something he felt I had done (gear in machine is a classic example) was causing him deep distress as an example of how awful and useless I was and what a horrible life he had to live putting up with it.

I spent ages ignoring/joking/making light. Then one day instead of underplaying what he was doing (which btw is horrible to live with you're not being U at all) I went NUCLEAR. We had a massive row and actually not long after that started going to therapy. It turned out that he had other stuff and that was making him pick on niggly crap as though that was the problem - though deep down he knew that wasn't true and actually the problems were nothing to do with me at all. Essentially he was throwing himself a grand pity party at my expense about four times a day.

It doesn't happen anymore but we did have to figure out some stuff. Not saying you'll have to go to therapy too- just that it could be that he's doing something similar. But it's really not ok, it's fucking draining.

KERALA1 · 10/01/2017 22:46

An ex boss did this to me when I was very junior. A more senior boss witnessed it and went mad - was classed as bullying.

Original poster

Squishmitten · 10/01/2017 22:55

kaputt what you've said is really ringing a lot of bells i.e. he's using my minor infractions as an excuse to vent his general dissatisfaction with life. Which obviously doesn't make it ok, but it helps to know I'm not necessarily the cause.

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LadyLapsang · 10/01/2017 23:01

Why are you picking up his running gear? Leave it, he is an adult. I would be fed up if my DH left doors unlocked. Maybe he would prefer you to finish things you start - lock up - and not touch his kit.

Flisstizzy · 10/01/2017 23:11

You are being too nice about it!
Firstly don't pick his smelly sports kit up, why should you? Leave it stinking in a wet heap and when he finds it the next time he wants it you can smile sweetly and walk away.
Secondly either ask him outright why he is huffing & puffing at you or start your own PA shite by eye rolling and muttering "for gods sake" loudly each time he does it to match him like for like. At least he could have a taste of his own medicine then.

Original poster

Squishmitten · 10/01/2017 23:15

I picked up his running gear because it was on he floor, which is where he leaves all of his dirty clothes. Always has. If I don't pick them up there will be an unholy mess by the end of the week. He wouldn't care about that, but I do. I don't want to live like that. DH has many wonderful qualities, but tidiness isn't one of them. None of us are perfect.

I would agree that leaving the back door unlocked is not my finest quality.

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haveacupoftea · 10/01/2017 23:16

My DP just moans loudly about lights being left on etc. I smile sweetly and say, you'd miss me leaving the lights on if I died tomorrow
If its really getting to you though talk to him properly, ask him how he would feel being nagged 24/7 as thats what he is doing with his huffing and puffing!

LineyReborn · 10/01/2017 23:40

When someone leaves the door unlocked in my house, yes it's crap and annoying, but we have a chat about how to not do that again. The few times it has happened, invariably the failed door-locker has been trying to juggle too many things or is knackered and forgot.

Kaputt, wise words: the problems were nothing to do with me at all. Essentially he was throwing himself a grand pity party at my expense about four times a day. I have a female relative like this and it's got to a point now in my middle life where I simply do not want to be around her.

If you challenge her huffing, she has an actual tantrum. A grown up woman.

SSYMONDS · 11/01/2017 22:41

You could even say 'you're using my minor infractions as a place to vent your general dissatisfaction in life. I deserve more than that. Please stop it.'

Sometimes you have to upset someone to stick up for yourself. It doesn't mean it's wrong x

LadyLapsang · 11/01/2017 23:36

I still don't get why you are picking up his dirty clothes. At some point if you leave it he will pick them up and wash them. If it really gets too bad, just bag them up and put them in the garage or somewhere you won't see them.He will never change if you run along behind him like his mother picking up after him.

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