Pulling a sickie on family events

[Rhayader]

NC as i use my nickname everywhere...

We had DS christening at the weekend and my brother in law didn't turn up (no pre warning), his wife - DH's sister - did. Apparently he had a sore throat and was "really ill". Now, this wouldn't bother me in the slightest, except that this is a running theme.

Around 50% of the time he doesn't turn up at all to family events because he is 'ill', or has some work he has to catch up on and around 40% of the time he turns up but but excuses himself and sits upstairs in their room. Think - Christmas, Easter etc.

We know that when he excuses himself upstairs that he's playing computer games because we are "friends" with him online and can see that he's playing them! I could list a bunch of times this has happened but you get the idea.

The weirdest thing is that when he does turn up and is present, he seems like a really nice guy. I do worry about SIL as she has been much more withdrawn and we hardly speak any more since they got married around 2.5 years ago - before that we were really close. They didn't live together before getting married for religious reasons.

AIBU that this is really starting to get to me - why cant he put in the slightest bit of effort into getting to know his family. Or am i being insensitive and he is just really introverted or something...

Those statistics (40, 50, 10) are NOT exaggerations. It's getting to the point now that when we go to my in laws for a weekend we will drive there on the Friday night and they will arrive Saturday lunchtime, he will stay upstairs "ill" or "working" while SIL socialises and then on Sunday morning they will leave immediately after breakfast. They don't have children, and it takes them less than 2 hours to drive home.

I got a lot of stick from MIL (who just wants everyone to get along) for not having him as a godfather, but he has shown absolutely no interest in our children... I'm pretty glad I stuck to my guns now.

Could he have a serious illness and not want to tell you?

I've pulled the odd sickie/said I couldn't get out of work to avoid family events with the in laws. I'm an introvert and they are LOUD and there's lots of people, mainly speaking Tagalog and I just find it overwhelming. Best to let DH go by himself and actually enjoy himself rather than have to worry about me wanting to go home.

Unless he has some kind of anxiety issues, then he just being plain rude. Part of being an adult is doing things that you wouldn't necessarily choose to do. He could easily help cook and/or wash up after a meal to have a legitimate reason for not being in the room for a while. It's a shame that no-one turns off the internet whilst he is being antisocial.

I don't see DH's family anymore. It's really liberating.

Maybe he doesn't want to make the effort just for you all to sit on your laptops and ignore him?

I'd find hanging out with a group of people who are more interested in playing online games a waste of my time, tbh.

I have been with my partner for 9 years now and he still can't sit too long in a room with my family he has a social anxiety disorder which obviously makes his anxious in social situations with people he's not grown up with or not cormfortable with, I used to make exscuses for him like him being ill but I just told everyone the truth and they have accepted it

Usually were all watching a film, playing a multiplayer video game together (all on our own laptops)

To be fair though OP, I'd find this a bit unusual at family gatherings.

My money's on him being an introvert or struggling with social situations, and if he's a really nice guy as you mentioned, then he's just trying to cope with it.

I don't have social anxiety but like some PPs, I'm very like your bil and much prefer working upstairs to big family meals and activities. Even watching a film in a big family group I would find annoying. Fine for you if you like it but why does your enjoyment require others to conform to it? His enjoyment doesn't demand anything of you. And you can stop all the feeling sorry for his wife. She married him and most likely appreciates him the way he is. She isn't trying to change him so why should you? Enjoy your christening for its own sake. If something like your bil's non attendance can blight it then you can't like christenings yourself all that much. Can't think of much worse myself but each to their own...

also agree with Hedda above about preferring one to one or very small group conversations. With rare exceptions, larger group chats inevitably become watered down platitudes or just talking crap, talking for the sake of it esp after a few drinks. Some people love that, which is again fine but why they'd want to inflict it on anyone who wasn't interested, under some guise of 'getting to know the family'... I dunno, it's my idea of hell.

My ex used to be like this. He would avoid any social situation at all costs. And if he did come he used to make it so awkward for me that I wish he hadn't come. It would usually involves an argument too. Imagine how embarrassing it is for your SIL having to explain why he hasn't bothered to come etc. I feel rather sorry for her.

I am in your sil's position. Dh is utterly antisocial & pretty selfish too. It has been exhausting always cancelling, making excuses etc. I now go along to things with ds if I can. Just accept his behaviour, it doesn't hurt you. It'll be hard for sil believe me if you are bringing it up. She isn't the one ignoring you, perhaps she is a bit worn down with it.