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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want more support?!

49 replies

Tiredmummy79 · 09/01/2017 17:04

I'm posting here because I think I'll get the most honest responses.

I have a 6 week old baby. I adore her and for the most part she's quite easy. I also have a very nice life. I'm a SAHM and I won't need to go back to work. DP works from home, and is in his office from 9am-7pm. I look after DD all the time.

Before she was born, DP suggested that he would look after her for a few hours in the morning while he worked as I would do all the night feeds. This didn't happen, which I wasn't too bothered about as I enjoy looking after her. At the beginning DP would do the last feed in the evening so I could go to bed early or he would do the 1st feed in the morning so I could get a couple of extra hours sleep. That doesn't happen anymore. Last time I asked if I could go to bed early, we had a row because he didn't want to look after DD after he'd been working all day as he wanted to relax. He also gets 9 hours sleep a night and won't get up before 8.45.

Some days she'll sleep and feed on and off all day, so I can get cleaning and washing done etc.. some days she'll be awake for 6 or 7 hours during the day, crying on and off all day. She wakes twice a night for feeds and she is a very noisy sleeper (as is DP!) I average about 2 hours unbroken sleep at a time.

Part of me thinks I should just suck it up and get on with it as it's my job and all part of being a mother and part of me thinks DP could do more to help me. We don't have any other support.

So....aibu to feel like this?

OP posts:

Babyhiccups · 09/01/2017 18:43

Unacceptable and needs to be tackled now or else it will get worse, resentment will build and your roles will be unfair forever more.

Do you remind him of what you discussed before the baby came along? Or is he choosing to conveniently forget that?

What are you doing whilst he's relaxing? Are you there literally doing everything? (Cleaning, cooking, childcare, feeding, bathing?) Can he really sit there happy and content whilst you're drowning?

Babyhiccups · 09/01/2017 18:51

Also, don't be fooled into thinking that your DP has given or allowed you a 'nice life' by agreeing that you can be a SAHM. It is not a nice life if you are alone and struggling and unsupported.

QueSera · 09/01/2017 18:57

If your DH thinks he has the exclusive right to relax after 'working all day', he doesnt seem to think that YOU'VE been working all day too! But look at it this way, if you were a nanny/childminder looking after a baby (and/or a cleaner cleaning a house) all day, that would be considered 'work'/'a job'. Hence entitled to some relaxation too. Good luck hun x

dimots · 09/01/2017 19:13

I assume that as you call him DP you are not married. Please do not become a SAHM if not married & with a partner who clearly does not want to do much childcare. Unless you have a private income being a SAHM is a huge financial risk for you.

Chickpearocker · 09/01/2017 19:22

Agree with everyone here, my husband gets up at 5.30 am with our child, has a long drive to work and a very stressful job which lives do depend on. He will then come home and take over bath bed feeding etc. Also does complete weekends. Please don't let this continue OP, he will continue pushing you until you get to breaking point. Also if my child wakes through the night my husband will wake with him. I am a SAHM.

Original poster

Tiredmummy79 · 09/01/2017 19:40

Dimots - no, we're not married, but we have joint assets, which I made sure would be the case when I gave up work.

Chickpea - wow! You're husband sounds like an absolute gem!

I feel like any protest I make will fall on deaf ears. I don't think DP would've chosen to have another child if it had been solely up to him, but I was desperate to be a mother. I don't think he loves our DD any less than his other 2 DC, but I do feel like he thinks he's done me a massive favour providing a child for me, therefore I shouldn't complain about the fact that I do pretty much everything. I am making him sound like a complete tool, and honestly he isn't!

OP posts:

dimots · 09/01/2017 19:52

It's not just about joint assets though. A few years as a SAHM can ruin a woman's future earning capacity. A married woman can apply for a share of the assets exceeding 50% on divorce as compensation for her lost earning power. My children are school age now but as a single mother I still cannot take a job with irregular hours or much travel or a long commute. My ex has no such restrictions, travels extensively with work & his earning power is 3 times mine despite the fact that I work full time. (Before children we earned about the same).

Angrybird123 · 09/01/2017 19:54

How about a coldly logical approach: his objection to looking after the baby in the evening is that he needs to relax - i.e. it's hard work to look after a baby. Then you say 'yes, hard work that I have been doing the entire time that YOU were in the office and all night when you were asleep.' He can't argue that you have it easy looking after the baby and then say it's too much to ask him to do exactly the same.

However, you do sound a little anxious and overwrought worrying about doors and steps etc. You will feel much better if you can get yourself out and about. Comfy jeans, flat shoes but wash your hair and a bit of make-up, put baby in a clean outfit - load up a bag with nappies, wipes, spare outfit, whatever you need for feeding, a book or a newspaper and go! Stroll along with your gorgeous newborn that people will make a fuss of and go have a nice coffee somewhere. If she cries it's fine, fees, change whatever. Ask people at the next table to watch the pram while you go to the changing room of needed or even to watch her in the pram if YOU need a refill or the loo. No-one ever minds. It's incredibly hard to see the wood for the trees at this stage with so little sleep etc, but you can have nice times and enjoy your mat leave - I think it will help if you aren't indoors inwardly(and completely understandably) flowering at the office door.

TheSparrowhawk · 09/01/2017 19:54

He is a complete tool. If you made the same amount of effort with your DD as he does, what would happen to her?

Angrybird123 · 09/01/2017 19:55

Glowering! Not flowering!

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 09/01/2017 20:03

Ah I see, you wanted the baby so now you have to be grateful and get on with it.

Babyhiccups · 09/01/2017 20:37

Someone isn't a 'gem' because they choose to parent. You need to change your perspective on fatherhood, partnerships and raising children. Instead of registering amazement at fathers who actively help, you should assume this is the norm and therefore question why your partner doesn't afford you the same courtesy.

Does he do anything with his daughter? Does he help at weekends? Is he actively involved in his other children's lives or does he see all child rearing as women's work?

You say he's not a tool but any man who argues that he needs to relax and refuses to let his sleep deprived partner have a few hours sleep is a twat. Plain and simple.

Onlyonce · 09/01/2017 21:29

YANBU. my dp did this. He didn't do any night waking at all. DD slept through at 3 months. I honestly don't know how I got through it on my own and I know 3 months is very good for sleeping through. I still cannot forgive him and the thought of doing it again actually terrifies me. You need to sit and talk to him. My dp also leaves the room when I am upset so I can relate to that. If you think you might get upset while discussing this with him try and think of how to deal with that or he won't engage with you. Do you have any family near by who could help? Your dp is being cruel and selfish

Original poster

Tiredmummy79 · 09/01/2017 21:44

Hiccups - I can't comment on how much effort he made when his other children were babies although I'm pretty sure he did a bit more. As for now, we have them every other weekend and half the holidays, and he does make a lot of effort with them. With our DD, he does help a bit on weekends, but during the week, it's probably around 95% me and the other 5% is if I specifically ask him to do something because I need to do something else. The sleep thing drives me mad as he used to have about 6 hours sleep a night and get up every morning at 5am (before we had DD)!

Onlyonce - you're absolutely right. At the moment I struggle to discuss this with him without getting upset and once that happens I know it's pointless carrying on because he feels so uncomfortable and then we stop communicating properly. We don't have any family or friends nearby, so I do feel pretty isolated sometimes. I am planning on going to some mother and baby groups though, so I'm sure that will help a lot.

OP posts:

Onlyonce · 09/01/2017 21:57

It's really hard feeling like you aren't allowed to have emotions on show. Your DD will pick up on this at some point. You need to think of a way to explain to her when she is older that her dad finds emotions difficult

MarcelineTheVampire · 09/01/2017 22:35

Oh OP, it's hard isn't it?

My DP struggled at first but I basically told him that it was tough luck, DD was here and he was also a parent.

I did always feel guilty that he was at work and it must be hard so I was doing all the night feeds and trying to do everything else, until it got too much...but I'm telling you, since being back at work, it's so much easier being at work than at home with a baby all day.

You need to think that he is expecting you to work 24/7 - is that reasonable? No it fucking isn't...he needs to step up and you need to not feel bad about broaching the subject of needing more support!!

StarlingMurderation · 10/01/2017 15:24

his objection to looking after the baby in the evening is that he needs to relax - i.e. it's hard work to look after a baby. Then you say 'yes, hard work that I have been doing the entire time that YOU were in the office and all night when you were asleep.' He can't argue that you have it easy looking after the baby and then say it's too much to ask him to do exactly the same.

This exactly. He can't have it both ways - either it's easy to look after DD, in which case he can do it for a bit in the evening, or it's really hard, in which case you've been doing it all day and need a break.

I know you're saying he's not a tool, but he is acting like one, if his attitude is "You wanted a child so you can deal with her, even if you're on your knees". It's not the attitude of a good or loving man.

Trifleorbust · 10/01/2017 15:40

You're certainly making him sound like a tool.

Just hand the baby over and go out/up for a bath. Don't ask him.

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 10/01/2017 16:39

Exactly, don't ask, just tell him.
When he works, you look after the baby, but when he is not working - evening and weekends - then you split the workload.

For example the weekends don't ask if he can wake up early, just tell him "one of us can have a lie in on Sat, the other one on Sun, which one do you want?".
Same thing in the evening: "baby needs to be fed and dinner needs to be cooked: which one do you want to do?"

LoupGarou · 10/01/2017 16:50

I used a wrap sling with our DS from when he was newborn, and still use it occasionally now if he gets tired toddling along. It was amazingly liberating, I could go almost anywhere easily and I did lots and lots of walking, soon got back in shape.
I used to pack a picnic and go on a daily adventure. It was great fun!

I do think your DH needs to do more though, a friend of mine used to say it was tough on my DH working all the day and then coming home and having to do housework, help with DS etc. I reminded her that being a nanny is a full time job, and that way back when people (who could afford it) used to have a nanny, a cook and a cleaner. Not one person doing all three jobs. Bad analogy but helps get the point across

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 10/01/2017 17:13

I reminded her that being a nanny is a full time job
Great line!

Trifleorbust · 10/01/2017 17:22

I have a 4 week old DD and am literally exhausted - feeding every 2 hours, she's colicky and she isn't sleeping for longer than 2 hours at any time of the day. And my MIL (generally a lovely woman) actually suggested my DH go upstairs for a nap the other day

My reply:

"He slept very well. He can look after the baby while I make lunch."

LoupGarou · 10/01/2017 17:24

thanks, it does seem to work.

My DH does do a job which people lives depend on, he would get home, have a five minute cup of coffee and sit down and then ask what needed doing. I look after DS while DH is at work, and anything else which needs doing outside of the time he is at work we split equally.
Well, DH actually does more as I have some health issues and am supposed to be resting.

LoupGarou · 10/01/2017 17:26

I should have added that because of where we live he is out all day in sub zero temps at work, so I can forgive the rat bastard needing five mins for a coffee and sit down.

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