Posting here for traffic and I want to hear opinions on this very confusing situ. It may be mental health/PTSD related.
Ex cheated (found out NY day)
Since then we have talked a number of times for several hours. I'll admit I am no longer angry at him my gut is telling me not to be. but I'm confused as fuck. Cause his actions do not fit typical cheating been there done that and saw my step dad do it.
Throughout the last 9mths he had an affair. The other woman who is essentially me with 1 DC the same age/sex as mine. Friend said we look alike. Similar likes too. This might be important.
When I found out about the affair ex was clearly - and I'm not making excuses for him - convinced we had separated to the point of going round in circles repeating the same line over and over again and believing it even with the evidence I provided. Almost delusional. He wasn't lying in the sense he honestly believed the truth he'd created. This went on for several hours and he then broke into a heap and shut down for 3days. (His friends confirm this)
He has admitted to having big chunks of perfect clarity and complete blurs of time over the last year and can't remember things with me that did happen even with photographic prooof but recalls others with perfect pinpoint accuracy inc what I wore where we went etc. He doesn't remember when we bought something specific even though HE shared this on social media.
He continued to do the usual things a partner would do. Sex wasn't weird or distant contact was daily and huge (4K messages back and forth from Nov-Dec for e.g.) nothing in those messages or phone calls. We made and worked through big plans - me moving house, marriage - he's talked to me about this post revelations and he sincerely didn't know I was moving. Thought I was joking about the marriage even though I said where I'd like to go! That's just one example. He's confused. I've known him years and these last 12 myths he has been depressed but loving and caring. His wife(not together at all) agrees and she too pulled back because he was living In the past. This may have triggered something because his wife is an unresolved trauma.
He make up some huge, absolutely convincing lies. The other woman confirmed these were lies and he'd lied to her too.
Still, we've talked me and the ex. I've asked to send his stuff back. He's asked me to wait. I asked why and if he wants it posted later or to collect it. He didn't respond. Properly clammed up.
I've asked for my keys back since Nov. Unrelated reasons. He still hasn't done it and can't answer me why he's keeping hold of them. He can't answer when he 'fell out of love' I don't fully believe he did from phone calls, visits etc. We have a connection still that's not normal. We laughed and joked and cried during a recent post affair convo.
The other woman is out of the picture now.
He's created 3 separate lives with 3 women and 3 separate groups of friends that have recently started to overlap and of course I was the one to force all 3 worlds together rather abruptly.
He has been living them all as though each was/is real and kept them separate but didn't hide them well at all. So easy to find!
Now, there is more I can't and won't go into specifics about and it's not as black and white as my previous posts. Am I mad and over thinking this and he's some love rat slimeball or is this serious mental health related stuff?
I can confirm there has been 3 major periods of trauma surrounding deaths, loss and Undealt with grief and known PTSD from major trauma 2. Major trauma 3 also coincided with big anniversary of trauma 2 and the case into trauma 1 was reopened months before the affair began and around same time wife pulled back and pushed for divorce to hurry up plus a redundancy that wasn't done properly/fairly. Again confirmed by others close to him and himself. All these have rolled around not actually being dealt with.
Our 'break up' wasn't exactly typical either. Yes I ranted, screamed at him (not helpful if PTSD I'll admit) but he kept telling me 'you don't want me. You're amazing, you don't deserve me'. He never cut the cord and Never did meeting the other woman and believe me our situ would be easy to do the whole block, run hide thing but he didn't. It was a mission to meet and spend weekends together and he still put that effort in. Not by a long shot and there were house moves and job changes he told me about!?
I don't need anyone to tell me not to get back with him it's my choice either way. I love him and still care deeply and those feelings are not going away any time soon not until I know he's a) OK and B) not a suicide risk C) in therapy. I just want honest opinions on this situ and am I right to be so bloody confused now I've dug into it much much more in my search for answers. does this look like one majorly screwed up man in need of support and understanding or just a firm kick to the bollocks? I want to do both.