AIBU to not come out at work?

[IdBuyThatForADollar]

I work for a large company. Later this week there's a large LGBT+ event to launch a new support network for LGBT+ employees. I'm bi. I assume everyone at work thinks I'm straight as my DP is male and I have a child.

TBH, most people I know probably assume I'm straight, because it's pretty hard to casually introduce your sexuality into conversation when you don't have an easy social way to do it. If I was gay or dating a woman I'd be able to mention a girlfriend, but it sounds a bit crazy to say 'My boyfriend, but don't forget, I also like women!'.

I wasn't going to go to the event, because I kinda felt like I'd be taking up space and resources that would be better given to someone who doesn't get the 'benefit' of being assumed to be straight. However, I was in a meeting this morning when this event was mentioned and people were being a bit off about it - one person said they didn't see why 'people who wanted to keep things like that secret would attend' and 'shouldn't this event be for everyone'. I did respond generally that I thought that the company presumed that people didn't want to keep it a secret and that actually it's sometimes good that there are events for people who face challenges that other people don't face and that that's not exclusionary. There was a general tone (only from one or two) that felt, if unintentionally, a bit judgy. I like these people and I've worked with many of them for years, and I did find it a bit upsetting.

I am now undecided about whether to attend and put my queer cards on the table as it were. I almost feel like I ought to go, to demonstrate that I don't believe there's anything to be ashamed or reserved about and that being more open would help de-stigmatise. I do, however, worry that as a bi-woman in a hetero relationship I'd be seen as 'playing' at being part of the queer community, which I don't want to do, I just happen to fancy men and women and feel that being matter of fact about that might be a good thing to do.

It also feels odd, as it's not something I make a big deal of in my personal life, to make more of a deal about it at work. But then, my personal life is full of laid back and accepting folk, so I don't feel a need to bang any kind of drum.

I'm in a similar situation. Iv been with my partner (male) for 14 years and his children (adults) call me mum I am also bi.

Dp has always known Iv had conversations with the kids over the years exactly saying what you have about that I happen to have fallen in love with a man but it could just have easily been a woman and if I was to end up single I could very happily final a new person of either sex.
They have said It's been helpful for both of them as they know their choice of partner whomever they are will be ok my us (their parents)

Some friends know others I'm not sure although I don't hide it and if asked I would tell them but as a person in a monogamous longterm relationship the subject doesn't come up very often!

In the world though I'm mostly seen as straight I think. the same as above really if asked I'd say but I also don't want to be seen as attention seeking by announcing randomly, Oh oh look at me I'm with a man, I live a "straight" life but guess what I like women too arnt I soooo exotic.

I also don't want to be seen as attention seeking by announcing randomly, Oh oh look at me I'm with a man, I live a "straight" life but guess what I like women too arnt I soooo exotic

Ex-act-ly that.

The thing is though, I have really struggled in the past, and there was some OU research that showed that bisexual people have worse mental health etc. because of prejudice from both "sides". It still makes me feel bad about myself when people are homophobic, I feel a bit guilty that I'm "hiding" something from my friends, even though it's more that the topic didn't come up before and now after how many years of friendship it feels a bit late, so I'm just vague about "partners", and I carry all the hurt of straight friends dumping me for being a lesbian and lesbian friends dumping me when I started to see a man, but tbh I think I'd find most support just from bi people and not so much l and g because some of the issues are different.

Their comments are exactly why you should attend, because by talking about it in that way with you they're setting it up as 'us and them', with you being placed in the 'us straight people' category.
Maybe it will point out that sexuality isn't so clear cut?

FWIW though, I did attend college LGBT meetings and it did get on my nerves that the leader was urging everyone to campaign, be out, exhibit more PDAs, yet was in a hetero relationship, while the other students were being really nasty to me and my girlfriend at the time. By all means be there and take part, I certainly would and have a male partner atm, but pushing your agenda while not suffering the consequences is where the line gets crossed to me.

Ok thank you I understand - the issue is not whether you're more or less LGBT than anyone else in that you are attracted to the same sex, it's just that since you are in a "straight" seeming relationship then you don't face homophobic prejudice- that makes sense .
Would you , out of interest, do you think feel more likely to go to this event if your partner was a woman? But you were happy with your relationship , people knew etc and you were "out" about it anyway and therefore maybe not needing any extra support network?

Their comments are exactly why you should attend, because by talking about it in that way with you they're setting it up as 'us and them', with you being placed in the 'us straight people' category. Maybe it will point out that sexuality isn't so clear cut?

That's the thought that made me think I should perhaps go, when I'd previously decided I wasn't going to.

Waiting - I do feel a bit neither one thing nor another.

Your post really struck me Dollar. I'm straight so can't pretend to have any idea of the challenges you may have faced/face or the struggles you may have had/have being bisexual, but I think perhaps the point is that YOU do! You seem to be focussing on the fact that you might be judged (by LGBT+ colleagues) for going because you are living a 'straight' life, but this event is surely for you as much as for any of them. It almost seems that you are more fearful of being 'outed' amongst LGBT+ colleagues (as a 'fraud', which you're obviously not) than your other non-LGBT colleagues? At the end of the day, this is your identity and it is nobody else's business, but sometimes keeping important parts of ourselves hidden can be stressful. You come across as very confident and comfortable with your sexuality, so there is little to fear from being open about it is there? You could just attend the event if you want. (Who knows, you may see a couple of your close colleagues there?)I can't see that that would be making a big deal out of anything. It might make a couple of people ask you about it, in which case you can just be honest? Sorry if I'm totally missing the point and good luck with whatever you decide.

Would you , out of interest, do you think feel more likely to go to this event if your partner was a woman?

Yes. Probably. I think I'd feel more relevant!

It almost seems that you are more fearful of being 'outed' amongst LGBT+ colleagues (as a 'fraud', which you're obviously not) than your other non-LGBT colleagues?

Yes. That, I suppose. Maybe I just feel a bit of a fraud.

Thank you. That was a really kind and thoughtful post.

sorry if I'm throwing another factor into the mix but I think another issue is that if a workplace is genuinely inclusive then not sure what the need is for this kind of thing - except perhaps management might want to know their staff better - and I'm a big fan of keeping my private life private, so anything that mgmt set up to know their staff more on a personal level automatically annoys me - and I think quite a lot of people feel that but end up going to things because they don't know how to get out of them.

this might not be a good example of that last bit, but generally I prefer the workplace to be about work and if I were gay or bi I might feel a bit patronised by this anyway?

I'd be open about it, personally.

I just happened to fall in love with a lovely man, it could easily have been a lovely woman

I've always thought this to be the case for pretty much everyone. I don't see the need to put everyone in boxes in this way. It's a loose spectrum, not a series of defined spaces.