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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep flouncing off

26 replies

rightsofwomen · 09/01/2017 09:57

I have a friend. I think she has Munchausen syndrome. I can't give her the support she needs (basically endless streams of stuff on whatsapp).

We are in a group which is meant to be general chat and about our shared hobby.

I left that group and started a new one with the same people, but a more pointed title for the name of the group. She's started up on there now.

Right now it's also a trigger for me as I approach the anniversary of my Mum's death.

I took myself off rather than tell her, which was maybe cowardly of me.

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 09/01/2017 10:05

Did you start the new group to exclude her? What makes you think she has Munchausens?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 09/01/2017 10:07

Personally I would have replied with a message restating the purpose of the group and asking her to keep her health issues off it.

However I would try to offer support off the group WhatsApp.

user1480946351 · 09/01/2017 10:10

Don't diagnose people with serious mental disorders online, its incredibly dickish

And sure, flounce. But don't start up new groups to specifically exclude someone else. Absent yourself, not everyone else.

WorraLiberty · 09/01/2017 10:14

You're not going to achieve anything by flouncing.

Just private message her and speak to her like an adult.

Tell her that the group chat is for the hobby and ask her if she can stick to the topic.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 09/01/2017 10:14

I don't think the OP excluded the other person. From her post it reads more like she started a new group so she could change the name of it and added everyone to it, but hoped the new group title would be a big enough hint to talk about group matters not personal issues.

user1480946351 · 09/01/2017 10:15

You can easily change a group name without setting up a new one. I think she was hoping to ditch her.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 09/01/2017 10:20

please don't bandy your 'diagnosis ' about, unless you have the appropriate certificates framed and in your office.
If your friend is behaving inappropriately, address it as you would with anyone.

Original poster

rightsofwomen · 09/01/2017 10:20

I didn't exclude here. Milk has it right.

Apologies user you're right, I'm not that in RL - typing quickly on the internet.

I admit I was cowardly.

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 09/01/2017 10:21

What is it she needs support with? Is it something where you can signpost her to a well-known support base repeatedly? E.g.-'oh, goodness-I don't think anyone here on the crochet whatsapp group can help you with your alcohol addiction-I think you need to ring the AA' and repeat.

Original poster

rightsofwomen · 09/01/2017 10:23

I'm not bandying about - I have not mentioned this at all to her or any other of the friends in the group. I would never do that. I am hiding my honest (and I admit not very attractive thoughts) in anonymity on the internet.

You don't need to get on your high horses because I'm having less than gracious thoughts about someone.

OP posts:

Original poster

rightsofwomen · 09/01/2017 10:25

She's not behaving inappropriately, it's not a formal whatsapp group that we've signed some code of conduct for.
It's just that she monopolising it completely with her medical problems.
I don't have the courage to tell her this, which I don't think is an uncommon thought when you believe someone has a mental illness.

OP posts:

DailyFail1 · 09/01/2017 10:25

If my friend was airing all of her health problems on a group hobby thread, I'd probably take her off then have a word with her about it. If she can't stick to the topic she shouldn't be there

Megatherium · 09/01/2017 10:32

What is the problem with posting a very polite reminder every time that this is a group whose primary purpose is to talk about your hobby, and that she would probably find it more helpful to join a health-related group to discuss her health problems. You could even maybe give her links to specific examples?

blueskyinmarch · 09/01/2017 10:39

I think you need to do what Megatherium has suggested and reminder her of the purpose of the group chat when she starts to dominate it with her heath related issues. How do the others in the chat group respond to her when she goes off in a tangent about her other issues?

Original poster

rightsofwomen · 09/01/2017 12:01

Thank you. We do also just chat in the group as well. We are just a bunch of local friends and know each other well, so it's not black and white.

The others mainly respond with upbeat 'get well soon' or 'that sounds tough' sort of things w/o getting into detail.

In person we get on very well, have a laugh and she is very sweet and bright, I've just hit a wall with this.

OP posts:

Whosthemummynow · 09/01/2017 12:25

So it's a group to chat, but not to chat about anything to do with her??

Why not try offering some support (which she seems to be crying out for!) rather than flounced off.

Mental illness is nothing to be scared of

EpoxyResin · 09/01/2017 12:42

To be honest I'd probably be there with your friends saying "that sounds tough, hope things get better soon!" then swiftly changing the subject! Perhaps I'm a coward too...

Original poster

rightsofwomen · 09/01/2017 12:52

who I have offered my support, both in RL and on the group.
And of course we all talk about our own things to a certain extend.
She receives a HUGE amount of support on FB and through the groups she's on. It's just not something I feel I am best placed to give her right now.

For me, the group is meant to be light-hearted chat between friends. I guess I deal with personal issues in a very different way, I acknowledge that.

I look on the group and see 48 new messages (I turned notifications off) and 40 are from her.

I sound like a cow.

OP posts:

BIgBagofJelly · 09/01/2017 12:54

I think it would be nicer to write her a kind message saying that you'd like to keep the group as a place to discuss your hobby so you're going to take down other messages but you wish her well.

Original poster

rightsofwomen · 09/01/2017 13:00

e.g. trying to arrange next RL meeting.
Hard enough with 5 busy people, but we know the score. Throw some dates out, yes or no, arrange or start again.

We're on the second suggested date now. I don't need to be told again that she will come if she is well. I know that, I have already said that (in a nice way) and have wished her well, hope she can come etc.

Yup, I do sound like a cow. It's kind of useful to bang it out here.
She is obviously needy in a way I don't understand and I should try and do so.

OP posts:

DJBaggySmalls · 09/01/2017 13:08

You're not being a cow. When people need help, they need to get the appropriate help from the right people. Gatecrashing and derailing a group is a symptom that someone needs help, but you are probably not the right people to be able to give it.
I'd go with BIgBagofJelly's suggestion, point her in the right direction to get the help she needs, and remove her derailing posts from now on.

AstridLevinson · 09/01/2017 14:21

I have a similar friend who also dominates any form of verbal/text discussion with her health and fb and Instagram feed is full of 'I'm poorly' posts with sad face. I've had to unfollow her and am now at a stage where I feel I cant engage in chat about her health. I have tried to be supportive both in practical and General support but this is always refused. It's really hard to remain supportive and not feel like a bitch. When I was in hospital after emergency General anaesthetic section at 8 months and kept in over a week I heard nothing from her and first text was about her health and nothing about how I/baby were. It makes me feel like a teenager friendship again!

AstridLevinson · 09/01/2017 14:22

Sorry this is not about me!!

Katy07 · 09/01/2017 14:31

I don't think you're a cow. It's annoying when someone has to make everything about them and monopolise the attention of the rest. It means that everyone else feels obliged to make the right noises and ends up drifting away because they can't actually do what they intended and feel drained by the constant neediness.

Loaferloveforyou · 09/01/2017 15:16

What did everyone else say?

I have a couple of groups which keep getting restarted for one reason or another and it's quite tricky keeping track of them all.

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