To be hurt / incredibly frustrated / pissed off about this?

[CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt]

My mum lives around 200 miles away. She's disabled so we always go to visit her. That's no problem to us - it's far easier for us to visit her than her us. whilst disabled she is fiercely independent.

I always ring her. She has rang me about 3 times in the last year and text me first probably about half a dozen times if that. Including when I was in hospital having dd.

We left her house to return home after staying several days on 30 Dec. On 1 Jan I text her to wish her happy new year.

I've rang several times since 1 Jan. No answer. I know she's been ok.

Finally managed to speak to her today. All cheerful etc, then she says "I have to say I was so hurt that you didn't ring me to wish me HNY. That you only text me. I'm old school and wanted to hear your voice. I went to visit Grampa today and I was telling him. He agreed completely" etc etc.

I pointed out to her that:

• there was nothing stopping her ringing me if she wanted to speak to me
• we'd only left 2 days earlier
• I'd reached out to wish her HNY
• it's always me reaching out to her
• I'm hurt that she doesn't ever ring me

Phonecall ended with me saying:

• I'm sorry you're so hurt by the way i wished you HNY
• you ring me when you want to speak (she initiated the end of the call)

God, it's all so petty. But it's upset me. I'm busy with two children including a newborn but this has got to me.

Was ibu to voice my opinions and leave the conversation as i did?

Thanks all.

MrsBeverley - I'll read up and look at some of the threads. She is narcissistic/ has narcissistic tendencies. She cannot put herself in anyone else's shoes. She's also a complete martyr. Best wishes to you. It can't be easy (to put it mildly) having two parents with disorders

Statisticallychallenged - the funny thing is, whilst she doesn't reach out to me, she wants to know teeny tiny details of my life. If I'm texting someone in her presence she'll ask who etc. Wants to know tiny ins and outs ALL THE TIME.

I am fairly certain mine genuinely has NPD too, she's very stereotypical in a lot of ways. But I know what you mean about the tiny details, she'll phone and want to know what I'm having for dinner. I say I don't know yet even if I'm sitting eating it at the time!

She's also very unrealistic and out of tune with life - she's in her 60s but hasn't worked for 40 years - so she just doesn't understand that when she phones at 8pm and I say I'm working, it's because I'm actually working (I have a FT job plus we run our own businesses)

Oh yes, to the excuses not to ring! "I didn't know if you'd be eating/would be in" etc etc. She claimed to have tried to call "hundreds of times" from her mobile when she was away over Christmas. No missed calls on home phone - it turned out that she had our home number from where we lived in 2009 on her phone, not our current one.

I think the worst from her was when I called to tell her that I had cancer, and she said "Oh no! I don't know how I'm going to cope with that." Because, yes, it is obviously all about her.

MrsScaden, that's hurtful. Some people are really all about themselves.

I didn't sleep well and woke up feeling horrible. I feel guilty. All because I texted my mum rather than ring her. I've come to realise that this is not normal behaviour. She makes me feel I can never win and nothing is ever good enough for her. Yet, I still feel guilty. I feel like a crap daughter - which I don't think I am.

My mother would describe us as being close. We're not. Truth is I don't like her. I admire a lot of her qualities - her fight, her independence etc. I don't doubt she loves me. And I love her - she is my mother. But she still has to make me feel dreadful - as if I've wronged her. As she gets older and her disability gets worse, I know her behaviour will worsen.

I try and be the dutiful daughter. To keep up appearances. But I get no support from her, she is unable to help. All that is 100% fine. She can't help that.

What she can help is how bad she sometimes makes me feel.

If I don't help her I'm criticised for letting her struggle. If I do help her I have comments like "it's no wonder I have no confidence with you around".

Anyway, sorry to ramble on. It's helped getting this written down.

Thanks all who have posted. for all struggling with "difficult" parents.

MrsSchaden hope you're now on the mend and back to full health