AIBU to stop my ex heroin addict sibling from meeting my children

[Theboysmum16]

I have two children both toddlers and a sibling who is an ex heroin addict now on a methadone program. My family all disowned my sibling 4 years ago but now everyone is playing happy families again except me. The problem is my sibling is/was a compulsive liar, has had so many chances to change I've lost count, hasn't seen their own child for years, has stolen from my parents and other siblings. I haven't spoken to them for four year after my parents disowned them. I have shielded my children from any sort of violence/ drug abuse because my mum was in a violent relationship when I was a child and some of my first memories are of violence. I want to keep my children innocent and pure for as long as possible but my family think I'm being unreasonable as apparently my sibling has now 'proven' themselves by staying clean for a whole 3 month. I do admit to feeling guilty about this but probably because of the pressure they are putting on me. I don't want my children to meet them and get attatched then lose that person because they've relapsed. I'm so confused about what to do for the best I don't know if they are clean or not I only know what my family are telling me.

My brother had addiction issues for 20 years. He got clean and stayed clean until he died of cancer 6 years later. My mum found some stuff he'd written during recovery where he said he knew he might never get to have a proper relationship with us all again after everything we'd all gone through and he knew he might never fully gain our trust. That is the harsh truth about addiction and he knew and accepted that, because he was ready to recover and accepted the damage that had been done. He was right. We didn't trust him and having a relationship with him was difficult as his emotional growth stopped as a teenager when he started using.

I have one photo of my brother with my children. He's fucking wasted in it. I feel angry with myself that i let him be around them in that state. I hate that photo, but it's the only one i have of them together, so i keep it.

Theboysmum I am so sorry, this sounds exhausting and unpleasant, especially if your family are putting pressure on you.

"My family all disowned my sibling 4 years ago but now everyone is playing happy families again except me." Let the family do as they will, you choose if you want to see him, or let him see your kids. YOUR CALL.

"I have shielded my children from any sort of violence/ drug abuse because my mum was in a violent relationship when I was a child and some of my first memories are of violence. I want to keep my children innocent and pure for as long as possible but my family think I'm being unreasonable as apparently my sibling has now 'proven' themselves by staying clean for a whole 3 month."

You are not being unreasonable THEY are being unreasonable in questioning your own choices of who you want to associate with and who your kids should have contact with.

"I do admit to feeling guilty about this but probably because of the pressure they are putting on me." You need to stop feeling guilty, you are guilty of nothing. Is your mum, who allowed you to be exposed to violence also putting pressure on you? Maybe a few home truths that you do remember your early experiences that she allowed you to be exposed to! If she is not in the group putting pressure on you, maybe she could be an ally?

"I don't want my children to meet them and get attatched then lose that person because they've relapsed. " Very sensible.

"I'm so confused about what to do for the best I don't know if they are clean or not I only know what my family are telling me." I think deep down you are not confused you know deep down whether they have been clean for three months, or not, that actually you do not want your kids to have contact with your sibling, whether you do is up to you. If your family were not pressurizing you I feel quite sure you would know exactly what to do.

You can support your brother without giving him access to your kids, you know that.

Ginkypig I second that you certtainly "...don't sound like a snob."

ClopySow,

Yes say you'll consider a relationship after 12months clean. It may be the incentive they need to keep going.

But his choices led him to become an addict. Had he chosen not to take drugs, he wouldn't have bevome an addict to start with. It is his fault.

It would be a No from me re meeting my children, especially as you say they are only toddlers. I would meet with sibling alone & encourage them. My response would be along the lines of

• I'm going to let sibling focus on their recovery & building relationships with our parents & their child before introducing my children.

This is a conundrum isn’t it.

They say smoking is harder to give up than heroin, I’ve known (not many) but a couple of people got drunk at a party, had a fag and that time was gone. You are always a puff away from a pack a day apparently. For me, it was a few months, but I saved the money I spent on smoking I was honest with myself and it made me feel sick.

I would explain that although three months is a wonderful accomplishment, and many congratulations, I don’t feel comfortable allowing such a charming person(most addicts I’ve met are very witty/funny/humourous) into my young children’s life, as I don’t want them hurt.

3 months is massive for a recovering addict, but not for their family.
I'm a recovering alcoholic and no bloody way would I have anyone round my children who are in early recovery.

Mr brother was a heroin addict … did all the stuff you would expect, thieving, lying etc. Went on for years, he was involved in petty crime allsorts.

However, he went to residential rehab, and had a couple of relapses early on, but has been clean a good 15 years now.

I never cut him off it disowned him, none of the family did. We didn’t leave any valuables around for years though.

He’s my brother, I love him, and he got himself into a mess. We got him through it, and now have a great relationship.

Addiction is hard, but people do get through it, and relationships can be fixed with time.

Why does sibling need to be around your tiny kids when they don’t even see their own child?

I would absolutely keep them away.

FFS this was over 7 years ago