AIBU to be so unkind to MIL?

[Cuppaand2biscuits]

We lost my FIL last year quite unexpectedly which was obviously devastating for us all. My MIL has never had a big circle of friends, her hobby is housework and shopping. She's now very bored and quite lonely so she keeps turning up at our house, everyday but unannounced.
It's grating on me now, am I being a total bitch? Is it my job to entertain her?
I try to stop and have a chat and a cuppa but sometimes I'm in the middle of something or I'm getting sorted to go out. It was less of a problem over Christmas but this week I'm back at work (pt), and kids commitments are back on.

I do a lot of volunteering and have suggested she gets involved in something similar but she's not ready to make a commitment. She keeps telling me how kind her friend is being by inviting her out and I can't help feeling it's a dig because I haven't suggested going out together.
Please be honest with me if you do feel I. Should make more of an effort with her.

I second the WI - there are often different 'types' around so probably find one to suit.

And absolutely for all ages now!

I think she is probably at a loss at things to do. Volunteering and the WI could be really good for her.

I assume your MIL lives close to you

Suggestions;

"Doesnt like mess and children in the house"
If there is a garden patch available at either house you could grow easy veg and flowers with the children
or an allotment
or a volunteer opportunity that involves gardening
or volunteer at an animal rescue centre

Join knit and natter group (you dont have to knit) locally and online

Ask MIL if she can collect or drop off parcels at the post office (this is asking someone to do a good deed, gives purpose and you may think of other similar deeds, collect brochures for holiday ideas etc)

Can MIL teach your children a skill eg cooking, sewing, music, language, swimming once a week

Age UK befriending service or Silver Line where you become a friend over the phone weekly

Join a gym

Join evening or daytime college class

Go on an activity holiday

Plan a holiday

What about taking children out for geocaching

My best suggestion is that MIL starts doing something new, because the longer she leaves it, the harder it will be to try. There is alot to be said for "you dont know what you are missing until you have tried something" and if you dont like it, move onto something else

The hardest thing to bear, will be if you receive a "NO" to everything that you suggest and this will in the long term be detrimental to everyones health and well being

OP I think you hit rhe nail on the head with she will offer to feed them and stick a film on - my mum always used to ask me to bring a DVD when we went round so they would basically sit transfixed and not mess anything up. So, I'm pretty sure your MIL doesn't want them at hers but would like to see them, so perhaps pre-arranged park trips or suggest she pops round and gives them tea at yours while you do a few bits. You do need boundaries for your own sanity though.

Thank you, my FIL died in the spring and I did look into local groups for her to join initially but it was obviously much too soon. She does enjoy gardening but obviously it's not quite so enjoyable in January!
She really doesn't like to commit to regular arrangements (I have no idea why). I recently did a 4 week training course for work on one of my non work days. I asked her to look after my 3 year old on these days. Would have been 3 hours once a week during the school day but she said she didn't want to commit and told me to ask my friend instead.

So she doesn't want to look after her DGC, or to help you or see you on your terms as it were? Just when it suits her and involves what she wants?

Is there a University of the third age (U3A) near her? They usually have loads of groups that meet to do all sorts of things and you can dip in and out. There's also the Lions or Rotary, walking groups etc - our council leisure centre runs all sorts of over 50s groups as well.

I'm in this situation with my dad. He's lonely through poor life choices, bad luck and being too lazy to find himself a hobby do his hobby is literally driving around and calling on his set list of people. If someone's in he walks in, plonk himself down and talks at them for up to 2 hrs about all sorts of crap like the latest contract phone deal he could get (despite him being 6 mths into a 2 yr contract). Then he will take himself off and either drive round each supermarket looking at deals or buying random stuff he usually ends up returning (for something to do) or he continues visiting his list of contacts including reknocking persistently at the ones who weren't in earlier.

I will miss him when he's gone, but I'd enjoy him a whole lot more while he's here if he was more considerate. If he helped a bit with the children instead of talking at me while I try to help them myself. Also if he would just ring or text and check it's a good time then I'd be able to say no actually I'm about to put the baby down for a nap...make it an hour and I'll have a cuppa waiting. He'd get a great reception and I would have my children sorted.

Instead he insists on always being unannounced. When I had a newborn and dared to ask him to ring first as he kept dropping by and causing a lot of stress when I'd be about to get a nap with baby or similar he responded to my request by saying I was rude and unwelcoming and having minimal contact for 3 years before demanding an apology!

Calling round unannounced (and ignoring hints that it's not and good time) is really controlling behaviour in my book. It's saying I'm more important, I'm to be prioritised and I demand entertaining.

I've started to turn him away on occasion now and have been known to jig the baby up and down whilst mouthing 'don't cry please don't cry' so we can pretend we're not in. It's ridiculous!

My DH is never ever off ill from work. He was signed off for 2 weeks as he felt so awful. My dad knew all this...what was his response? To call round unannounced and talk at my DH almost every day for one of those weeks which prevented him resting. The only reason it didn't continue into the second week was he finally stopped answering the door and sat in the lounge with curtains closed listening to the tv through headphones!

I'm sad for my dad, and in the same way I'm sad for your MIL but it's not nice being a sitting duck in your own home and it's very unfair.

Cuppa 💐

She has been over bearing in the past and she knows full well how you feel about her dropping in daily,

She couldn't be bothered to put herself out to look after your 3 yo (for such a limited amount of time!).

She doesn't want to be helpful (having her Grandchildren after school occasionally).

Doesn't show any interest in joining anything or finding some activity to keep herself a bit busy.

Your husband hasn't bothered to organise anything.

I'd be taking a big step backwards. Obviously I'm very sorry she lost her DH last year, it's devastating & must be incredibly lonely, but she is not helping herself & cannot expect you to be available whenever she has nothing better to do.

I think you're going to need to be quite blunt before you lose your shit inappropriately. Good luck.

She is her own worst enemy

Does she like animals? Maybe getting a small dog or an older cat would help with her loneliness?

Does she still have the keys to your home?

If so, I'd want them off her as she's previously just let herself in. That's not on.

You've had some good suggestions. Another would be to invite her round when your DP is home. Let him entertain her.

Note3

I will miss him when he's gone, but I'd enjoy him a whole lot more while he's here if he was more considerate

I'm the same with my Mum. She's totally different to your Dad, but just as bloody frustrating. I try so hard, because I've already lost my Dad and know how much you wish you could change things once they've gone, but for the love of god, she'd try the patience of a saint.

Note your situation sounds so similar to mine. We moved house and although she has a key for emergencies they've never let themselves into the house we currently live in. The old house my partner lived in as a single man so they were very used to popping in to clean, collect his washing, return it ironed, bring him shopping etc before I moved in.
When we did live there and my eldest was a baby I used to leave the key in the lock and when I heard them coming quickly strap baby into car seat. Grab my shoes and bag, quickly flush the toilet ( which could be heard from front door) then answer the door ready to go out with car seat in hand just to avoid them!
I always felt it was FIL who.managed to rein her in a little bit. She knew it was too much but she wanted to see her grandchild so she would come regardless of whether she was welcome or not.
My partner is definitely not holding a grudge about how she's behaved in the past he's just to lazy to arrange anything with her.

I feel your pain cuppa. It's a sorry situation :(

when I heard them coming quickly strap baby into car seat. Grab my shoes and bag, quickly flush the toilet ( which could be heard from front door) then answer the door ready to go out with car seat in hand just to avoid them!

^^^^^^ that's priceless. I love it.