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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH not to go out tonight?

52 replies

Rockandahardplace123 · 06/01/2017 13:08

I think I probably am, but I am as miserable as sin over here. I have grim morning sickness, which lasts all day but is particularly revolting in the evenings. DH has been an absolute star; he's looked after DD pretty much on his own for much of the Christmas holidays and every night when he gets in from work, he does dinner and bath and bed while I collapse in a nauseous heap. I suggested that when I was better he maybe booked a week skiing with friends or something to have a break - he really has been amazing - but sadly that time has not yet arrived.

This evening, a friend of DH's is visiting London and a few of them are planning to go out for dinner. This friend lives perhaps 6 hours away. We try to visit him and his family once or twice a year. They haven't visited us for perhaps 8 years or so but that isn't a problem - they are very nice people and am very happy to drive to their part of the UK under normal circumstances. I only mention it to point out that it's not a small undertaking, and one to which they not unreasonably feel they haven't been able to commit. I am feeling so horrible, though, that I'm not sure how the hell I'm going to make it to DD's bedtime today. I feel very guilty asking him to come home - he really deserves a break - but even if he came home at normal time, I would be counting down the minutes until he walked in the door. To top the whole bloody thing off, DD is also ill and extra cross. We are collectively an absolute joy in our house today - can you tell?

I'm being unreasonable to ask him not to go to dinner, aren't I? I have obviously also missed out on all the Christmas social events/parties, but I do at least get to see some friends because I have to try to take DD out of the house in order just to get through the day at the moment, and so we do have some days where we go to the park with other local friends etc.

Do I just need to woman up?

OP posts:
HelsBels5000 · 06/01/2017 13:59

Your DD does not need a bath, a nutritious dinner or a story in order to go to bed. If needs must, she can have snacks from the cupboard, bedtime story from cbeebies and into bed..... you can do that surely?! Just for this one evening so your DH gets a break, you get through the day, once your DD has gone to bed, you go to bed too.
Flowers

Soubriquet · 06/01/2017 14:03

Skip the bath tonight, give basic food that you can just manage to cook, let her fall asleep and put to bed

She doesn't need a bath every night, she doesn't need a healthy hot meal every night

Make things easy for yourself

KayTee87 · 06/01/2017 14:08

As pp have said, skip the bath, order takeaway and put a film on the Tv snuggled under a duvet and she might just fall asleep anyway.

KayTee87 · 06/01/2017 14:08

Oh and these are for you Flowers

Blazedandconfused · 06/01/2017 14:20

Sounds awful. I remember sobbing, from pain and exhaustion when DH was working late or on a very rare social night out. Pregnancy plus a toddler was the hardest phase of my life.

I would skip bathtine and set up DVDs on laptop. I'd be up and down getting him milk, changing nappies, etc. It was tough but utter bliss when he was snoring and I could finally sleep.

My DH is also amazing. Let yours have this one night to himself. You can do it x

belleandsnowwhite · 06/01/2017 14:21

Definitely not unreasonable. I had hyperemisis though.

Noregretsatall · 06/01/2017 14:21

I sympathise enormously as I suffered from hyperemises (sp?) with both my pregnancies. It was truly truly awful and, like you, couldn't wait to hear the sound of DH's key in the lock in the evenings which meant he'd take over. Your DH sounds amazing though and yes, I do think he deserves this break. Quick easy tea (tin of soup?) teeth cleaned, no story ( reading aloud made the nauseous so much worse for me) and bed. Hoping you feel better soon. XFlowers

BIgBagofJelly · 06/01/2017 14:25

Sounds horrible Flowers! Like others I think you'll just have to do it for this one night only. If DH was away with work you'd somehow survive so pull out all the stops and get through the evening. Let all normal rules slide, she can do without a bath, she can watch CBeebies, she can have fish fingers and frozen peas for dinner. As long as her teeth are brushed, she's not hungry and she's in bed at the end of the night it's been a success.

GTS · 06/01/2017 14:26

Urgh to the morning sickness. But yes, I'm afraid, in the nicest possible way it's one of those times you need to put your big girl panties on and just get through it...one dry heave at a time. Sorry you're feeling so poorly. Try and muster a smile and a genuine 'have a nice time' for your other half, and then curl up with the little one on the sofa. You'll get through it.

mistermagpie · 06/01/2017 14:32

Its really rough when you feel so sick but yes, you would be being unreasonable to ask him not to go this time.

I second a PP, just do the minimum with DD - easy food, no bath, bit of TV or a DVD. I've got a toddler and am pregnant and in the evening I tend to veg on the sofa while he potters around a brings me books to read to him or whatever. Not the most proactive parenting, but sometimes you can let standards slip.

dollydaydream114 · 06/01/2017 15:02

Are you throwing up constantly all evening? Or just feeling horribly nauseous and being sick once or twice?

Obviously both those things are horrible, but if it's the latter I do think that just this once you need to let your DH have an evening out. It's dinner with old friends, not a lad's night out on the lash, and you've said that your DH has been doing basically everything while you've been feeling so rotten, so I think that for one night only you might have to deal with it.

I agree with what others have said. Get DD into her pyjamas as early as possible (perhaps your DH could even do that before he goes out?), give her a few snacky things or sandwiches for dinner, and don't bother with a bath for her on this occasion unless it's desperately needed. Even if you wouldn't usually, let her curl up in front of a DVD - and/or you could even download a children's audiobook her to listen to as she drops off and tell her it's a treat.

There are few things I hate more than feeling/being sick and I always feel incredibly wretched and sorry for myself when I am, so I really do sympathise ... but hang in there and you will get through the evening. Good luck!

Bluntness100 · 06/01/2017 15:09

Yes, you need to let him go, he also deserves a break, the guys working and doing as much as poss at home, it's like he has two jobs. He needs to let his hair down and have a break. You'll get through it, as others have said uour kid can eat crap and be unbathed for a night.

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 06/01/2017 15:17

YABVU.
Very much so, in fact.
give the poor guy a break.

Bitofacow · 06/01/2017 15:22

Bloody awful nausea and tearful self pitying misery. Been there, done that.

You need to let him go.

Then spend the rest of the weekend whimpering and being looked after.

Original poster
Rockandahardplace123 · 06/01/2017 16:06

Joey, I am a bit stunned. How on earth am I being very unreasonable? I haven't asked him to come home. I was asking whether it would be unreasonable to do so. It's not like I'm exactly on a jolly over here, either - I have my head down the loo for half the day in order to grow his child. Seriously, if he'd like to offer to swap at any point, I would bite his hand off. I don't think he's doing too badly out of this division of activity.

OP posts:
prettywhiteguitar · 06/01/2017 16:10

If I'm honest I would ask him to come back, how can you be responsible for a child if you're throwing up for hours. Honestly out of the grand scheme of your life it's only 9 months for him to look after you.

prettywhiteguitar · 06/01/2017 16:11

lol at biting his hand off

Cel982 · 06/01/2017 19:08

Out of interest, if the situation were reversed - would posters here leave a husband with, say, norovirus, to look after a toddler while they went out for dinner and drinks with friends? The fact that it's been going on for a while and that a lot of the burden has fallen on her husband doesn't negate the fact that the OP is feeling really, really ill, and that having to look after a small child in that situation is very tough. I don't think a social life should take precedence in that situation (and I doubt I'd be able to enjoy myself knowing that my absence was making things much more difficult for my spouse).

OP, I really feel for you. Hope that, whatever you decided, DD is now asleep or close to it Flowers

Notso · 06/01/2017 20:33

I can totally empathise with your situation but it's only one night. You'll get through it.

Cel norovirus is totally different, it's contagious for a start.

haveacupoftea · 06/01/2017 20:44

Cel if it were a woman working full time and taking over parenting duties every evening for 9 months she'd be told she is perfectly entitled to a night out.

I agree with PP - order a pizza if you can stomach it (no dishes), eat in bed with DD and a film on. No bath etc required this evening. Hope your sickness eases very soon Flowers

poghogger · 06/01/2017 21:56

It sounds like a really special night out so yes I think yabu.
It's only one night, you'll get through it although I do sympathise.

poghogger · 06/01/2017 21:57

Cel I don't think you'd be able to go to the park/friend's houses with norovirus so it's clearly not the same situation.

early30smum · 06/01/2017 21:57

What did you do in the end OP?

Cel982 · 06/01/2017 22:20

Well, the OP's said she's had her head down the loo for half the day, so in terms of symptoms it's pretty similar to a viral infection, yes. The fact that norovirus is contagious is not the point. The point is that looking after a small child while you're constantly on the verge of throwing up is really really hard, and asking your spouse to forgo a night out in those circumstances is not at all unreasonable.

BIgBagofJelly · 06/01/2017 22:24

Cel I agree she could be feeling just as bad as someone with Norovirus but unlike Norovirus it's been going on for ages so I think it's fair for DH to have a break for a special evening out.