To bribe children with legoland to be ds friends?

[Oofimanoeuf]

Never had a solid best friend as a child myself and I struggled a lot with being lonely at school. I liked learning but it made school very difficult for me.
Ds 5th birthday coming up in a few months and he's just like me at that age. Will play next to a child but not with them. Apparently he has been encouraged to and he's doing really well so I would like to solidify a few friendships with his birthday party. I wasn't sure whether a big party with the whole class and the kids from his childminder would be good or if I could find out who his good friends are, befriend the parents and take a very small group to legoland with some tickets I already have. Sounds like bribery to me but I really would like to encourage friendship as best I can for ds sake even if it's one friend that goes with us. (Ds only child so no siblings to play with either).

Ds is also into a lot of space and planets. He hasn't been diagnosed with asd or anything similar but he has been under senco at the nursery before and they questioned it. So far a lot of people are telling me it's too early to tell.
I know ds would prefer 1 friend at legoland over 5-30 at a party (and probably the kids parent/s for back up).
I think I would also like to start making more friends in terms of parents from ds school. It would be nice to be involved in the group of parents who organise things for ds class too but I just don't have time. I would like to get to know other parents though. Most of the people I talk to here are from work and not many people in my friend group are parents so they don't seem to understand a lot of ds needs. I had one person tell me if ds does end up being diagnosed with asd or similar not to tell him because "it will only give him excuses" hence why I would like to be more involved at the school and maybe get to know some other parents who don't think you can just ignore a child's needs away.

Maybe it would be best to go ahead with legoland for ds and then have a play date type thing after school for his birthday? That way he can see his friends/play with other kids but also he still gets to have fun at legoland without anyone worrying about someone else's children and how to handle them/make sure everyone is safe.
If I ask ds what he wants he always wants all the options. I've asked him repeatedly about his birthday and he pretty much wants to travel the world with the amount of places he's chosen so far lol.

In the immortal words of Spike Milligan: Money can't buy your friends but it gets you a better class of enemy.

It won't work: don't try it.

Oh bugger.

Money can't buy you friends but it gets you a better class of enemy.

Legoland do children's parties in their hotel so you could have a full class party there. Or you could invite one child to legoland separate from his party as a play date so he still gets a party

Yes, I think it's probably best at that age if you just invite a few friends around and invite their parents to stay if they want to so you can get to know them.
I would think that a small child that wasn't very gregarious being at a party with lots and lots of children might end being more alone than at a party with just a few children.

I would probably do Legoland with just him unless a friendship was established, as 4 year olds, especially other people's can be pretty tricky and may dislike a ride, fall out with each other, fall over etc. I would make that his big treat and don't try to force the friendship on that occasion.

If he doesn't want a big party, fair enough, what about 2/3 children over for tea and a movie? Or even just one? (we once went to a party where my two were the only guests, it was very sweet).

I think you've got to be realistic about how much time you have to make these school gate friends and how you are going to do it. YOu seem to want to do it, but don't have many concrete plans of how to do so. I'd go for a party for this reason if it wouldn't be too overwhelming for him , what about soft play? Or a couple of playdates having asked the teacher who he plays with/likes? But it can be hard to make friends in this context, I've found it easier to make friends at work where I have more in common with people rather than just being mums. What you are aiming for is friendly relations and to nurture any friendships your children have perhaps, imagining you will be in a large circle of friendly mums may not be as accurate these days (given a lot work outside the home).

Also 4yo boys are notoriously antisocial according to my Gran who was a primary school teacher so try not to worry.

I knew someone who used to pay out for elaborate bday parties for their unpopular kid. It never worked. And as a primary teacher, I used to overhear so many kids' conversations - they see right through BS. Adults are very deluded about what they think kids can understand of the world, and their social dynamics.

One of my kids was quite a loner but he was happy. I remember my mum always inviting kids round to play and taking me to parties and that simply wasn't me. My heart sank every time. Even aged 7 I knew it was just my mum trying to make me fit in. Not only didn't I fit in but I didn't give two flying fecks that I didn't fit in. I was happy being on my own or with maybe one of two other friends, I was really close to. I didn't give a toss about being popular or friendly or even liked. Some kids are like that.

OP the kid's peers will see right through it. Save your money.

This is slightly off topic, but depending which side of legoland you live, you may like to check out the Winchester Science centre as it sounds right up your son's street.

(ps I wouldn't let another parent take my young child to legoland either)

I am a little like you, OP. I'm not close with anyone from school, my friendships are based on childhood family/clubs and university friends. In my experience, for age 5 parties, parents tend to stick around, I think Legoland should be for your family only.

My youngest dc is 5 now, and what I have found was that he has a small handful of friends that he sees out of school - one from nursery and two new friends from school. With my older dc, I would say that they also only have 3-5 friends that they see out of school. I had bigger parties when they were around 5-7, but the numbers dwindle naturally as they get older.

I don't know many parents at the school gate well, but there have been one or two with whom I've hit it off and really, it's enough :). I remember when my older children were younger, inviting children on playdates whenever I could but it never being reciprocated, and the worry that it caused me. A handful is enough, really.

DS1 didn't have any friends in particular until year two. We live so close to school I can see it from my living room. I'd see him in a world of his own in the playground and cry my eyes out.
Then he suddenly got friends and still has a fantastic group of mates now he is 12.
By all means do a class party if you think he would like it and get to know other parents etc but try not to worry too much.

Thank you everyone this is really helpful to see it from other parents and even teachers eyes. The science centre would be lovely for him. I think we'll keep legoland as a treat for him and then have a smallish party at home. I don't think he'll enjoy everyone but I'm also one of those people that doesn't want to leave anyone out. He hasn't been to any parties at all yet though so I think everyone else probably feels a massive party at five is a bit overwhelming. I do remember one of my parties as a kid (there were only two) and it was my fifth birthday with everyone and I was shunned then as well by the other kids. I think I'll ask who he plays with regularly and ask if they would like to come with their kids for a small party where we put a movie on our projector and they can huddle up with party snacks and cake and the parents can watch or chat in the next room. I'll probably get some toys together too and do a few party games. I know they love pass the parcel!

You're overthinking and projecting op, your wee boy is only 4 and will find his own way socially soon enough. Try and relax a bit and please don't go down the bribery route, as others have said it doesn't work

I think that sounds perfect. If you're only inviting a few, you can at least establish fairly easily if they're definitely coming.

I agree that it's probably not the best way to solidify his friendships. If you get friendly with some of the mums in the future you could plan a trip together or offer to take one child on a special day out.

What kind of play does your son like best? Is he goal orientated? (Then maybe a craft party or chocolate party where they all make something) Does he like rambunctious running around stuff? You could look into hiring one of those soft play buses and have a small group on that? Is he into sports?

I would choose a birthday party to suit him then try and organise as many playdates as possible. Keep your powder dry with legoland - might be great for a day out at some other time.

My childminder's dd was a little like this - the school and nursery had noticed that she played alongside rather than with. She was quite happy playing on her own actually, but tended to sort of join different groups as and when she felt like it. Now they're all 11 she's in a very solid group of friends. I really wouldn't worry. I thought my dd would inherit my awful social skills but although she's quiet/shy like me, she turned out nothing like me socially and has a good group of friends. The schools are much, much better at integrating people now I think than in my day. Huge efforts have been made at dd's school to help those struggling.

User I think you've hit the nail on the head. It's terrifying but he is a lot better than me he just doesn't really think about involving other people a lot. The good thing is he tells me things like "child x said they would do this for me" and there's a lovely little girl who draws him pictures fairly often too so he must be making some friends. I think I also feel bad that as an only child and with no family his age around him he only really gets to play at school/childminders with other kids. It's good because it's five days a week he's at school but he does ask for a sibling on a regular basis.
He's not really into sport but he loves to run around and do a lot of boisterous stuff. Whenever I take him to the soft play centres he will sometimes have a gaggle of other kids running after him. We won't know them but he'll very quickly organise them into playing so it confused me a bit when they said he doesn't really play with kids at school. It could be far too many kids for him to handle so he just plays alone. Which would show he could probably do something with a small group party anyway. Even ten of them would be okay but I think the normal 30 would just be far too much

DS2 went through most of primary with no close friends (he had delayed social skills associated with his ASD and ADHD).

For his 11th birthday, DH took him to the Harry Potter Studio Tour. DS2 wanted to bring a couple of classmates but had no idea who to invite, so I asked the teachers and TAs which children had been consistently kind and patient with him, and we invited those. It went really well; they had each other to chat to but also included DS2. I suppose you could see it as rewarding those children for their kindness, but we also chose them because we knew they had the maturity and social skills to spend several hours with DS2.

Thankfully he now has a friendship group, but it took until he was 14, so it felt like a long wait.

Not everyone enjoys whole-class parties, so I think a smaller group activity for your DS sounds sensible.

Don't do it! Friendships have to be mutual. Your poor child will end up being bullied and seen as 'desperate' to have a friend.
It's not the end of the world to be 'unpopular' in the grand scheme of things.
Maybe take him to a club or activity where he can have a natural friendship through a shared hobby.
It all changes again in secondary school anyway.

Ds went with a friend for his birthday to Lego land they had a fab time.

Just ask him who he's like to take ,just see it as a nice party not a way for him to have a best friend.

At this age they change friends every five minutes so even if you do encourage it by next month he could be friends with someone else.

He'll find his own way.

any indoor play parks in the area those are great,theres one near me called 360 play that had go karts and merry go round.You can hire a party with them so all the food,entertainers and fun sorted.Then they can fun whilst you socialise with the other parents