to remind DS to thank far flung rellies for Christmas gifts

[tiredandemotional61]

He's left home and is an adult and yes, big enough to do it himself but he won't, owing to chronic disorganisation (I'm still waiting for a spec from him for some IT thing I promised to get him for his birthday in the summer)

Have reminded as some of said rellies have said coughhaven't heard from DS1coughwhy not hint hint and now he's stropping via email about people being passive aggressive and it's only Jan 5th etc etc. But he does have form of not saying thanks in the past.

Yes, I shouldn't take it as a reflection on me but it's been made clear enough by others that they are treating it as such and what is so fucking difficult about a few emails DS1 get with the programme grumble grumble...

This after Christmas upon Christmas when both were smaller of sitting both him and DS2 down with thank you cards and explaining about how important it is to acknowledge gifts asap and demonstrating by example.

It was all money too, so no chance he didn't like them.

It sounds like he doesn't need a reminder if he's saying it's only Jan 5th (or have I misunderstood that bit?). In any case, tell the relatives that your DS is a grown up now and they'll have to either ask him directly for a thank you/why he hasn't thanked them or just stop sending him stuff.

This way of pressuring the wife/mom about thank yous and social niceties is part of the reason for him not responding in the first place - he doesn't feel the obligation. Of course he might just not be bothered, in which case it's probably better your relatives know that isn't it?

you are not wrong , it's partly that older sister's adult kids who still live at home have tendered theirs, clearly engineered by her (she wrote the cards/envelopes) and I feel right royally judged.

So yeah, my issue. But I do think thank yous should be done by New Year's Day, myself. Specially when there's email.

...and I'd like to feel I haven't brought him up to be an ungrateful so and so.'Cause I don't think I have.

I'd imagine that it is entirely because he has always been pressured to write thank-you letters as a child that he has stopped the instant he could....

He was 'pressurised" into washing and dressing and hasn't stopped doing those. C'mon, no one else ever has to ask kids to remember to say thanks? Not sure I believe that.

I hated writing thank you letters as a smallish child (4/5) but 40 years later, I still write them - for gifts, invites etc- without a problem: OP's son's shitness at this is everything to do with him, and nothing to do with her forcing him

OP, I have a brother exactly the same - he didn't bother for his engagement party or his wedding either (and neither did his wife) -his bad manners is not a reflection of my mum at all. Refer grumping relatives to your DS directly, having bemoaned his behaviour to them if you feel it's necessary.

Send him one of the articles that talks about the research into old men (on average) being sadder and lonelier than old women because they don't bother with social networks and building social capital when they're younger. Then leave him to it. It isn't that you've brought him up to be an ungrateful so and so, it's that our society allows men to be less grateful in general. But he has to change. You won't make any real difference if it's really you feeling all the obligation.

YANBU to remind him and to tell him he is being rude. My adult DC do a quick message with a photo which takes moments of their time but is still gratefully received by the grandparents.

I'm also a big fan of adult kids not being given presents by extended family. Mine now inky get a card and some sweets. I suggested to my parents that they stop giving presents when the DC reach 21 which is exactly what they've done.

Scrounged: I actually agree but some continue to do it - they are quite close family but geographically spread out.
I just wish he'd bloody do it without needing a reminder!

I don't think I ever wrote thank you notes as a child and never do now, I find them strange TBH. I saw my relatives on Boxing Day / new year or spoke to them on Christmas Day and showed my appreciation.

It's obviously the same thing but I always enjoyed speaking to relatives on the phone but imagine relatives as I imagine small children being somewhat forced to write thank you letters and as such the thanks seems less genuine. In the way of when writing it may be somewhat begrudging rather than joy when speaking not less genuine as thankful if that makes sense

I'd imagine that it is entirely because he has always been pressured to write thank-you letters as a child that he has stopped the instant he could....

Oh for god's sake, teaching a child to thank people for gifts is totally normal; he hasn't been bloody traumatised by it and he's being childish if he resents being taught basic manners.

Do you think it would be normal for him to stop brushing his teeth because he was 'pressurised' to do that? Or that he now plays with his willy in public because his mum told him not to when he was a toddler?

I do think that it's fine to leave it a bit longer than 5 January, but at some point soon he should text, send a Facebook message, phone or drop a card to people who bought him gifts to say thanks. It doesn't have to be a big deal, a simple 'Thanks for the gift, it was really kind of you! Hope you had a nice Christmas and New Year' is plenty.

It's Epiphany today, and that's the day that I pressurise my DC into writing any Xmas thank you letters that are still remaining.

Actually, they've been really good this year, and it's me that needs to sit down and do it

I would not nag a DC who had left home. I suspect that letters/emails will give way to emails/phone calls I hope the habit of thanking people (individually, not generically) will stick.

Just like I hope a heck of a lot of other learned social behaviour will stick.