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Original poster

Is it unreasonable to stop making sure ex arranges visits?

8 replies

sailorcherries · 05/01/2017 13:38

So, my DS goes to his dads house (where he lives with his mother and brother) every other weekend from Friday night to Sunday night. Occasionally it is from Saturday to Sunday if ex cannot get DS to his club on Saturday morning. Ex is barely present at drop off/pick up and has probably been there about 5 times in the past year, his mother does it all.

Last year ex and I agreed on the every other weekend, plus ex was allowed to see DS one night a week (not a sleepover as DS couldn't get to school the next day) and additional days here and there (school holidays, family events on that side etc). Ex also demanded every other Christmas and for DS to go over on ex's birthday but never mentioned seeing DS on his birthday Hmm

So far ex has never asked for additional days, instead I've pointed out it is possible and he agreed to keep DS. Other times his mother has asked for an extra day during my weekend due to family events, again I've agreed.
Ex has never asked to see DS during the week.
Ex cancelled Christmas this year and said DS could just stay at home (I was thrilled, but ever the hullabaloo he caused earlier in the year about alternative Christmases I was a bit puzzled).
Ex is also very lax when it comes to arranging times for DS to get collected/dropped off for visits. More often than not it gets to the Thursday night and I have to text him to remind him his son is due to come over that weekend and could he please let me know if this is still the case.

We had a whole host of issues in the past (DS is only 6 and we split when DS was 7 months, he was NC until DS was about 3 but DS still saw his gran etc and then very sporadic contact until late 2015/this agreement).

Now it's the first weekend of 2017 and DS is due to go to his dads tomorrow. He was supposed to be with ex 23rd-25th but went on 26th to 29th instead (ex was working 28th and 29th so DS was with his gran). Then with me NYE weekend. Now he should be over there.

Would it be unreasonable of me to just not text him and arrange anymore? If he doesn't arrange by the Thursday night then just not have DS go over? I'm sick of planning for him and chasing him up: he's a 25 year old man! He can arrange to see his gf, days out with friends and holidays but cannot take a few minutes to check when his son is coming over and arrange something!

OP posts:
OurMiracle1106 · 05/01/2017 13:43

I feel you need to put this in writing first that it will be x time on x day and then if he doesn't show it's his problem. Clearly state you are happy to be flexible but require 48hrs notice of changes of time

Buy a diary and document times of collection etc

Original poster
sailorcherries · 05/01/2017 13:57

I have a document that goes back as far as 2010. If he asks and arranges (which he sometimes does), then DS goes no bother and all is well.

If he doesn't ask though, should I be expected to either a) chase him up or, b) wait in and see if his mother shows up? There isn't a set time as his mum finishes work at different times and doesn't agree this with her boss until Wednesday/Thursday morning; he isn't in from work until different times if DS is getting dropped off etc.

Would I be a cow to just not text and ask, if I've heard nothing from him? I wouldn't be stopping contact but I also wouldn't be running about wiping his arse either.

OP posts:
harderandharder2breathe · 05/01/2017 13:59

I think set it out in writing to him that contact is x and you will be flexible if he needs to change it but you are no longer going to do the chasing up.

Sadly I suspect his mother will take over but at least it's not you

Original poster
sailorcherries · 05/01/2017 14:09

His mother was making the arrangements between 2011 and 2015. In 2016 he threw the mother of all hissy fits and demanded she was not involved in that side of DS' life ... I agreed and now refuse to let her arrange anything (while still maintaining a relationship with her).

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 05/01/2017 14:11

I don know if it helps but with DD's dad I ended up saying that the twins would be available for pick up between 5 and 7 on alternate Fridays for him to take for the weekend. Any changes, other than stuck in traffic etc, were to be communicated by Thursday 8pm by text so that we all knew where we stood.

I stopped chasing him and he didn't see them for a year. Then his mum begged (she didn't need too, I'd said she could see them anytime) and she took up some of his access ubtil he got interested again.

It's not fair on the kids not knowing what is happening.

Original poster
sailorcherries · 05/01/2017 14:18

lalalalyra the sad part is my DS doesn't even ask anymore.

Ex never even phoned DS on Christmas day, DS had to phone him :(

OP posts:
2rebecca · 05/01/2017 15:31

It isn't your job to run after him. If he wants to see his son he gets his act together. Don't text him, don't wait in if he isn't there.
I would tell him that this is how it's going to be from now on.
If he has to pick his son up at a set time on Thursday then don't text him to check that's what he's doing. He is an adult. If he doesn't come then do something else with your son but don't let him have your son any time he feels like it if he can't be bothered to make proper arrangements. If he misses his weekend then he has to wait.

fueledbybacon · 05/01/2017 15:33

Be aware that it might not go how you think. I stopped trying and he hasn't seen her in 7 years. Not a phone call, nor a birthday card ... nothing.

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