To be shocked to hear how my professional colleagues perpetuate domestic violence myths?

[TitaniumBoudica]

Overheard at work, about a woman^ (known to be in a relationship with dv) due to be discharged from the ward and her husband who'd come to collect her: 'have you seen him? He looks normal and is so fit. You wouldn't expect him to knock her around, it's usually if the woman is more attractive' and so on. In the past I've also overheard such gems as 'she's so annoying I'd be tempted to punch her too' about someone with MH problems in a dv relationship and also 'why does she keep having kids with him?'
^
My colleagues are overwhelmingly woman and it's depressing that such ridiculous opinions seem to be rife.

I myself got out of an abusive relationship last autumn and feel unable to open up to this
at work even to work friends for fear of being judged as 'too professional' and that I somehow should have know better or worst of all people feeling that it probably wasn't that bad because it was never a punch in the face.

Depressing isn't it?

YANBU but I'm not shocked. I've heard similar from people.
It really is vile though. Stunning lack of empathy or compassion.

We can hear in glorious surroundsound, our weird neighbours' DV all the time. The interesting thing is, she is at least as bad as him - in many ways, seems worse. At least he has some restraint with the kids but she will call them 'cunts' to their faces.

We've heard what sounds like her attacking him on more than one occasion. Then she calls the police - and guess which of them is arrested, or told off? Police even arrested him once at 2AM and left her (drunk) alone in charge of the two toddlers. He seemed upset by something - but not pissed.

I think it's time the agencies involved started thinking that maybe women can be perpetrators as well as victims.

I am an educated, professional woman.
It happened to me.
I am out of it now, but yes, I don't tick the boxes. That I am articulate and well presented has not always worked in my favour during the years of trying to get out of the mess.
And I've been on the receiving end of victim blaming by a solicitor (I complained) and of denial ("oh you know what men are like") by a police call centre woman.

Things have improved a great deal, but we still have a very, very long way to go.

What's wrong with the word handicapped? I use it all the time and haven't to date offended people with it.

It's a really outdated term and one that a lot of people with disabilities consider inaccurate and negative. If you're in the UK, you probably have mildly offended people with it, but they were too polite to say anything. It seems to be much more commonly used in the US, though, where I don't think it has the same connotations.

Here's an article in which users of the BBC's disability website were asked to name the terms they found most offensive in relation to disability. 'Handicapped' is in the top 10 - and this was from a poll 12 years ago, so it's not a recent development:

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/3708576.stm

I don't think YABU. My mum currently wants me to pursue an incident involving my ex and a female doctor. My ex is very attractive and 'presents well'. So yes, judgements are made, and yes, it's pretty disturbing that female staff will jump to a man's defence on the basis of looks and IQ. The knock on effect is that women like me will feel anxious about speaking out when 'cleverer' women judge us to be either lying, or ungrateful for the 'good man' we have.

Please speak to your manager. Some of the most sustained abuse is hidden by men who charm the pants of other women.

Where are you finding prejudice and discrimination in any of what they said? They are talking crap because "you wouldn't think they could be a pedofile/abuser" is exactly how it happens most times, abusers are very good at putting on a front. But to call it prejudice/discrimination is taking it way too far and they don't really deserve to be disciplined for it.

Yes I was talking about using the word here in the US not over there. The area I live in isn't big on political correctness so we aren't constantly being yelled at because the word we used to describe something hasn't been officially approved. I really don't know what you guys consider to be the best descriptive word as an alternative to handicapped.

If they've said things to you that you've found offensive then you can raise it. I'm not sure having 'overheard' something is really reportable. While I agree that it's depressing, they weren't talking to you and presumably wouldn't say that stuff to you as they know it's wrong. Which is something, at least.

the most sustained abuse is hidden

There was a thread on Mumsnet recently

The OP wanted to leave her abusive husband

A nice middle class man

I don't think she's left yet

Is she worried she won't be believed?

chilled, we use the word 'disabled'. I haven't heard 'handicapped' used generally - apart from by the elderly - since the 1970s.

Re. professional people - it occurs to me that there is sometimes an element of gallows humour. When you're dealing with depressing shit, and total arseholes, for a lot of your working day - you'd have to develop a bit of a thick skin, or go under yourself. And then you'd be no use to anyone.

I used to teach in grim inner city sink schools, often covering for people who were on lognterm sick leave due to stress. You had to develop a bit of a hard shell or you couldn't survive, seeing the horrible side of human nature over and over. Maybe there's an element of that here.

Agree with joff - definitely find that kind of humour in my kind of work. However, I don't think the comments made fit into this? Strikes more of ignorance than humour.

Yes, Ditsy. You're probably right. It's just - there may be an element of that with some of the commenters, although not all.

We do have a sort of gallows humour at our work too but this wasn't that.

chilled 'handicapped' comes from the term 'cap in hand', meaning being indebted to someone/being done a favour. Understandably, people don't like being referred to like this. I believe most people in the U.K. would also shudder at the terms 'retarded' and 'cripple' which I believe are still used in the US. 'Disabled' isn't great either as it's negative - especially when you consider all the amazing athletes in the Paralympics who are able to do so much despite physical limitations. I suppose there is still work to do in getting terms we use right without being ridiculously politically correct.

Op it is compassion fatigue if they are seeing things day in day out they become hardened and judgemental about abuse, Its not right though. What are you going to do if anything

I am extremely well educated, I am very well spoken. A police officer suggested that I 'just tell him to fuck off if it's that bad'!

so we aren't constantly being yelled at because the word we used to describe something hasn't been officially approved. I really don't know what you guys consider to be the best descriptive word as an alternative to handicapped.
It isn't a case of being yelled at to use an officially approved word, it's those of us with disabilities being asked to be treated with respect. Language defines who we are and how we are treated. It is important.

I agree most of the off sounding ways people talk about their patients can be chalked up to compassion fatigue as we see awful things on such a regular basis. This however seemed to me as though they were believing that attractive couples can't experience domestic abuse . Attractive, bubbly men can't commit acts of dv. I don't know what I'll do but it just doesn't reflect well on society beliefs as a whole if those who are trained to ask about dv only believe in it in its most stereotypical form.

You are right to say but he is fit or whatever is putting dv awareness back in a box of only certain types abuse or weak women let themselves be abused which is a stupid and dangerous assumption to make. If you can say something even if it's an off the cuff type comment

The most charismatic men can be abusive to their partners you just have to read some mumsnet posts to read but he is the life and soul or has a good job etc etc

It is depressing. My last workplace employed a trainer in domestic violence to go out and give free DV training to professionals like solicitors and community workers. Maybe you could suggest some training like this for your team to your manager?

I didn't know "handicapped" was a bad term to use. Glad to be educated though.

Although it does seem weird that Mencap have not updated their name in that case?

(from Wikipedia) Since 1969 the Society has been commonly known by the abbreviation "Mencap" presumably from Mentally Handicapped and, in 2002, its full legal name was shortened to the Royal Mencap Society. In 1955, the Society opened its first project, the Orchard Dene short-stay residential home.

In the States, "handicapped" isn't considered pejorative, apparently, oddly enough.