For not objecting to DS and his girlfriend sleeping in the same room?

[catstolemyhead]

DS is 22. His girlfriend is 24. DS lives in another city and he’s been with his girlfriend for over a year. They live together. We haven’t met her yet, and at the weekend they are both coming round and will be staying with us. I can't wait too meet her - DS is so happy and in love. DH told my MIL that they’ll be coming round, and she proceeded to invite herself over for the weekend so that she “can check up on the girl.”

MIL is insistent that DS and his girlfriend sleep in separate rooms. That the girlfriend should take DS’ old room and that he sleep on the couch in the living room. I told her attempting enforce some form of Stalinist chastity upon them is futile. They are a couple in their early 20s – a couple that lives together. Of course they are having sex. MIL said that they are not married and that having them sharing a bed is a sin. I said they are both adults, not teenagers. I said it’s silly to have DS sleep on the couch when there’s a perfectly good bed IN HIS OLD BLOODY ROOM. We argued over it, and in the end I told her that it was my son, my house. I wish DH hadn’t mentioned DS and his girlfriend coming over to his mother. It’s going to be a long weekend. I feel for the girlfriend. MIL is going to interrogate her like she’s a suspect in a murder investigation. Going to need lots of wine.

Can you get FIL onside then, instead of leaving it to DH to deal with MIL (which he won't)?

Get drunk with the girlfriend and make best friends

Inertia

Well, DH can be a coward when it comes to his mother, so his plan is to go through his father. He's pretty much the only person she listens to.

Madness. Your MIL is not in charge. Tell her there's not enough room.

Queen - that's just it. He had no justification. I think he still sees DH as a sixteen year old lad . His wife took the piss out of him for ages.

"DH can be a coward when it comes to his mother"

This is your issue. It sounds to me, from what you've said, that there is a LOT of history here, and that as a result your DH is trapped in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

I am being deadly serious when I say that your DH may need the help of a counsellor to be freed to live life as a grown man and make his own decisions. He is clearly unable to set boundaries with his mother at present - this can happen when someone hasn't fully become independent. (I speak from experience: my own DH was helped tremendously by a few sessions of counselling, and was able to set some very important boundaries with bullying parents afterwards. It also helped him professionally at work in dealing with difficult people and situations - it has paid for itself tens and tens of times over).

First of all, obviously your MIL is being ridiculous to think that two cohabiting adults can't share a room in this day and age.

Secondly, it's none of her business what the sleeping arrangements are in your house and this needs to be made very clear to her. This shouldn't even be an issue. If they were staying at her house it would be up to her, but it's not.

It's your choice. And as you say at their ages and the fact they live together, it's clear they are sexually active.
Plus if you tried to insist on separate rooms, they probably wouldn't be too happy either. I know I would have been if my parents insisted that my now husband and I had slept in separate rooms when he stayed.

shovetheholly

The annoying thing is that he's assertive when it comes to everything else BUT his mother. His job requires him to be assertive and decisive and to make difficult decisions on the whim. And he does that. He does it well. And in a lot of other aspects of life, he's the polar opposite of the person he is with his mother.

kel

DS actually said he and his girlfriend would be fine with sleeping in separate rooms (our house, our rules). But I said no. And that I and DH don't mind if they sleep together in the same room. They are both adults.

he's brining an important partner for the first time

cats - I know, my DH is the same (he's a very senior person at his work). It's the fact that your DH is only like this with his mother that rings alarm bells, tbh.

Shovetheholly

How long was your husband involved with the counselling?

evergreen

Oh that's the plan indeed :)

Tell her she can come to stay but her and FIL have to sleep in separate rooms.

Seriously though, is she just disagreeing with you for the sake of it?

What planet is she on?

cats - a very short time. He had something like 10 sessions on a weekly basis and it totally transformed the relationship with PIL. DH is a really calm, collected, powerful person at work - but he became physically sick, anxious and people-pleasing when they visited, unable to say 'no' to unreasonable demands. Just talking it through made it possible for him to set firm, healthy, fair boundaries with them. It was totally transformative.

Clopysow

I think part of it is here just disagreeing for the sake of disagreeing with me, and another part is just her enforcing her archaic perceptions of the world. There's a lot of things in the modern world she simply refuses to accept.

shovetheholly

I really think I need to talk to DH about this. It would help him (and us) a lot if he stopped being so subservient to his mother.

What annoys me is that I and MIL have clashed before. And a lot of the times DH adopts the Switzerland stance - absolute neutrality. Pretends he can't hear or see what's going on.

CATS

Its easier for him to do that but his own inertia when it comes to his parents hurts him as well as you.

Your DH is very much in a FOG state still with regards to his toxic mother. I am not surprised to read any of that and he still wants her approval even now.

Don't have mil to stay if she's going to give the poor girlfriend a hard time, your ds will be uncomfortable as well

And totally reasonable for two adults in a serious relationship to be allowed to share a room

"Your example of 'our house, our rules' has given great guidance, now that we are implementing the policy for ourselves. They can sleep in separate rooms when they come and stay at your house'. "

Surely your DH can see how weak he looks to his son and Gf if he allows his mother to impose herself in his own home and dictate the life of other adults?

I would tell her that if she comes for dinner she will be asked to leave if she utters one word of criticism or judgement on your choices in your own home and the choices of your adult son.

cats - It's key to think about it as an issue that's not a failing in him, but a difficult situation he has to deal with, more difficult that that faced by people with 'easier' parents. It can be very difficult for otherwise capable men to admit that they need some extra help in this area and you may encounter all kinds of resistance because of a silly stigma that says there is something 'wrong' or 'weak' about someone seeking psychological support. Atilla is right, I think, that it's vital for him to understand that there are consequences to inertia that are neither psychologically nor practically healthy, either for him as an individual or for you as a family.

shovetheholly

DH is pretty open-minded (except when it comes to his mother) so I think we can talk about the issue properly. But you're right about the stigma professional health retains in some quarters - especially for men. It's so ridiculous in this day and age. But I will talk to him about it. We've lived like this for way too long. Thank you for sharing your own experience with it.

This girl is to be a guest in YOUR house. It's your responsibility to make sure that she's not made to feel uncomfortable by another Guest.

She is 24. You are presumably about 50. Are you going to let her be upset by rudeness in YOUR house because you H can't stand up to his mother?

You don't need to warn the girl
You don't need to have them sleep separately
You don't need to remonstrate with MIL about her views
You don't need to wring your hands over what a baby your husband is
You don't need to go through FIL

You and your DH need to decide that they can't stay at your house as they were not invited . They are invited to one meal to meet DS GF at which they will behave .

Then your DH needs to tell his parents that.

This girl could potentially be your DIL. Are you going to perpetuate the family pattern of MIL treating FIL badly ? Or are you going to take a stand and be different ?

Your choice.

cats - it's good that he's open-minded, that should help a lot. I think the thing is to depersonalise it, and see counselling as providing a creative 'tool kit' of techniques to manage the relationship, and definitely not as a criticism of your DH personally. What you find in a lot of these situations is someone who feels powerlessly stuck in the middle of two antagonistic factions (MIL, you) and who is trying to please both sides, which is a bit like trying to square the circle. Hence the studied neutrality.

I am sure he loves them very dearly, in spite of their difficult behaviour, and you sound eminently reasonable in that you're not demanding drastic action, but simply asking him to create and maintain some reasonable boundaries, including things like you being able to live your way in your own home. There is clearly some kind of emotional 'block' to him doing this, and having a bit of professional support to work out why and what can be done might be helpful.