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Original poster

To tell my work colleague I really do not fancy him

63 replies

user1483474832 · 03/01/2017 22:09

Whenever I see him he looks terrified and mentions his girlfriend in every sentence. 'I'm just picking up some food for tea with my GIRLFRIEND tonight'.

He likes to tell me how hot he finds other women when he's with me 'Sandra from I.T is SO hot'.

If I call him into my office for something he pretends he's not heard me so he isn't alone with me. He's obviously worried I will pounce on him or declare my love.

Next time he informs me he's forgotten my name, a meeting we have, a social event together. Would it be okay for me to mention the fact that I am a lesbian and do not have any sexual attraction to him.

It's getting ridiculous now.

OP posts:
TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 03/01/2017 22:43

Maybe he fancies you and he's trying to put you at arm's length because of the (ex) gf and/or wants to avoid an office romance? There's a guy a bit like this where I work. He's super confident, class clown and a total flirt. Would flirt with a lamp post. But everyone clocked instantly that he fancied the new assistant because he was so bloody awkward around her and behaved like a bit of a tit to be frank.

Gileswithachainsaw · 03/01/2017 22:44

Oh God I've had this happen before. I talk to everyone the same way but I swear some guys just have tickets on themselves and assume I'm after them.

I either get pretty much ignored because obviously I'm going to want to marry them should they dare share a joke with me.

Or I get pm'd

What's wrong with people Confused

TheAntiBoop · 03/01/2017 22:46

If he knows you are a lesbian maybe he is homophobic and is telling you about the gf so you know he's not gay. I would be very careful around him but if he is junior to you and he is avoiding you in a way that is unprofessional you should definitely raise it

Benedikte2 · 03/01/2017 22:49

Maybe he does know you are Lesbian, as you suspect and he's afraid of gay women? Maybe by pointedly talking about his girlfriend he was hoping you'd tell him about yours?
Best way to find out is to introduce him to a (male) gay friend and see how he reacts to him. Did he grow up in a tiny country village somewhere?

Original poster
user1483474832 · 03/01/2017 22:49

He's not homophobic. He's very openly supportive of gay people and his closest friend is gay.

I think he just thinks I fancy him. Or feels rejected. No way of knowing which is which. I think it's more likely he thinks I fancy him then the other way round.

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 03/01/2017 22:50

Ahh another poster.

If he knows your a lesbian then thats a bit weird. Maybe he's homophobic but sly with it. Maybe he fancies you and is a bit put out that he aint your type. Who knows what the problem is but I wouldnt change how you treat him because he's a weirdo. His issue not yours.

Original poster
user1483474832 · 03/01/2017 22:51

Definitely don't think he's homophobic. I agree I suppose there's no way of knowing.

OP posts:
TheAntiBoop · 03/01/2017 22:53

Well he sounds very odd. If it is affecting work (eg him ignoring you when you call him in to discuss work) then you should probably discuss it with him

WorraLiberty · 03/01/2017 22:57

Have you posted about this before, OP?

How long has it been going on?

TheCompanyOfCats · 03/01/2017 22:59

Maybe he's confused by your behaviour because you don't fancy him? If that's his normal currency with women and you are not giving him the 'right' signals, perhaps that is confusing him?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 03/01/2017 22:59

I would also raise it with your manager. It's not professional to ignore a colleague when its about work.

Sillybillybonker · 03/01/2017 23:01

He fancies you!

triskellionoflegs · 03/01/2017 23:03

I've also had this with a bloke who I never had any interest in beyond being polite -he seemed both to think I had designs on his friend (who was also my friend), AND on him (although it cropped up regularly that I had a boyfriend (I.e.third bloke) and was seeing him this weekend etc).

He would make remarks that I could look at him but not touch - and take my shocked look and denial that I wanted to do EITHER, as evidence of my interest! I didn't set him straight more aggressively because it would have felt awkward hanging out with my friend then (this guy and he were good mates).

It was mystifying, I'm really not flirty, and never worked out why he was so sure I found him irresistible -i communicate with lots of people in my job and socially, and no one else seemed to get the wrong impression..
Sorry if this doesn't add anything, but wanted to confirm that this seems to happen for no obvious reason sometimes!

EllenJanethickerknickers · 03/01/2017 23:20

Maybe not homophobic, but just awkward around lesbians? Perhaps the only way he can deal with women is in a flirty way, and he realises that won't work with you? Whatever, it's his insecurity or issue and it shouldn't be impacting your working relationship.

TitaniasCloset · 03/01/2017 23:36

Is he very young? I had this with a guy from college years ago, kept telling me I have a girlfriend you know! Some men just take friendliness the wrong way.

KC225 · 03/01/2017 23:50

It never ceases to amaze me how vain some men are. Some men (not all before I get flamed) even shy, socially awkward knuckle daggers think a friendly smile and polite chit chat by the copier means 'l am a salivating and throbbing with desire. I want you now' every time you pass my desk.

TitaniasCloset · 04/01/2017 00:08

I got myself a stalker once because whenever I went into the takeaway where he worked I smiled and was polite. He followed me home one day to get my address, I had no idea, and no idea who he was! Then the flowers gifts and long undying love letters came.

When he eventually moved back abroad he sent me a stroppy letter saying it was all my fault that his life was ruined, because I refused, politely to meet up with him. I had a million and one of my own problems at the time but of course he wouldn't have cared about that.

bowtieandheels · 04/01/2017 00:39

Agree with TheCompanyOfCats, maybe he's not used to dealing with women that aren't flirty with him so doesn't know how to handle/communicate with you?

OwlinaTree · 04/01/2017 07:53

Well his behaviour is not appropriate in a work environment. He should be attending meetings etc when requested not ignoring you. Not sure how to tackle it though. Are you his superior? Could you have a quick meeting or group email to everybody at his level to remind them of their role/expectations?

Shurelyshomemistake · 04/01/2017 09:51

Do you think he is questioning his own sexuality maybe? It sounds so OTT. I wonder if he knows or suspects you're a lesbian and feels uncomfortable talking to you as it makes him consider his own orientation.

Original poster
user1483474832 · 04/01/2017 10:04

He seems pretty straight to me. There's another lesbian in the office. No issues with her and he's very close to a lesbian on another team.

Just me.

He is also a complete flirt with most women.

It's only me that he doesn't like to be specifically alone with. Just me.

Some women he doesn't flirt with and some he does. He does flirt with me constantly (more like at me). So he's comfortable with me. He just won't be alone with me.

When he does talk to me it's to tell me how hot he finds other women. How hot different celebrities are and to very vey obviously flirt with other women in front of me. In a way he doesn't with anyone else.

It seems to me he is trying very very hard to let me know he fancies other women/other women are hot (I.e not me).

OP posts:
Original poster
user1483474832 · 04/01/2017 10:05

I think if he knew I was a lesbian he would relax. I will let it be known today somehow. See how it goes.

OP posts:
Rainydayspending · 04/01/2017 10:14

I wouldn't bother. He sounds a bit of an idiot standing there talking about how hot he finds various women. He sounds like he likes to objectify. Are you his superior? Does he expect to get a sharp olword one to one as he knows he's being sexist?

TheAntiBoop · 04/01/2017 10:15

All this flirting in the workplace sounds horrible!!

Original poster
user1483474832 · 04/01/2017 10:21

I'm not his superior. If I was I would have told him off for his flirting a long time ago.

I can't stand his constant flirting. But he doesn't seem like a bad guy. I think he's a nice guy essentially

OP posts: