This is going to be long so I can avoid drip feeding.
Background: DH is armed forces and works 40 miles away, commutes daily. He has been put on a shift pattern of 2 days, 2 nights, 4 off, from Sept 2016 to March 2017. We have 4 children, dd7, dd6, ds3 and ds2 and 3 dogs. I was diagnosed with depression March 2015 and have been on anti depressants since. It took a while to sort out the dosage but I finally felt “right” December 2015. Last September My doctor reduced it for a month ( I was having strange dreams) but I asked to have it put back up as I wasn't feeling great on the lower dose.
Ds3 started at the local nursery( which is literally next door) last April and he hated it. He kicked off numerous times which usually resulted in them calling me to pick him up. I had a meeting the end of June with the nursery manager to discuss what we were going to do about his temper. She mentioned that the nursery was being taken over by a charity in August and that all of the nursery times would change (from 15hrs over 3 days to 15hrs over 5 days). I told her about my depression (my husband was away March – July) and how I was coping on my own. She thought it that it was best to keep him off until the term finished and we could start afresh in September.
A couple of weeks after he went back in September, the nursery manager wanted another meeting. He was doing loads better, not kicking off at drop off and they didn't have to phone me to fetch him. She then commented that a couple of time he had come in smelling of something that they couldn't identify and asked if I needed any help. I stated I didn't', I apologised and said I'd look into it. We changed our fabric conditioner as a result.
We had a further meeting at the end of October where she said that he was still smelling of something, but not dirty, unclean or unhygienic. She asked if my depression was affecting me keeping on top of things at home. I stated it wasn't , I was coping fine. She then asked me to consider seeing the Armed forces support worker,( SAFFA) who she was really close with. I refused as I have had a bad experience with them in the past.
Then at the end of November she called and said that her boss wasn't happy with me keep refusing help and that if I didn't agree to meet with SAFFA that she would phone social services about my son smelling. We agreed to meet with the nursery manager and SAFFA at the nursery the first week in December.
On the day of the meeting my DH got a call from work asking him to start work earlier. He calls to reschedule the nursery appointment only to be told by the manager that if we didn't meet today then she would call social services. She agreed to phone SAFFA and change the appointment with them too.
When we get to the nursery, we drop our son off and go to the meeting with ds2. The nursery manager says she was unable to get in touch with SAFFA and that the health visitor (?) couldn't be there as she had a prior engagement. She then goes on to say that the nursery have informed us numerous times about Ds3 smelling and that the only reason she hasn't called social service is because we are such good parents with our children. Again we ask what he smells of and she says that she will fetch my sons room leader to explain as English isn't her first language/
Room leader says that he smells of animal, bo and wee, she says she has noticed that we all smell like that and that we need to accept that we clearly have a problem. They try to get us to do something called family star, where you are rated on different aspects of your parenting ability, then it is sent off to sit in front of a board which then decide what kind of help you need. We refused to do it and she said that she would be calling social services. We then asked to take our son home with us and that he wouldn't be attending nursery any more.
About 1hr later SAFFA lady shows up on our doorstep, she says that she has stopped the nursery manager from calling social service if she can come and see us next week. We arrange an appointment and she goes back to the nursery.
SAFFA lady come to our house the next week, she says it smells a bit of dog, but not offensive! (we have 3) she offers to arrange a carpet cleaning for us in the new year, which we accept. She mentions that the health visitor, who we have never met has said something about us smelling ( we had a new one) She then goes on to pressure us into sending ds3 back to the nursery e.g its close, they already know him, he won't have to settle in, he loves his key worker, he won't get any social skills at home. We reluctantly agree as he goes to school September 2017 anyway. She asks us if we would be willing to send him for the last 4 days of term, she even asks him if he wants to go back.
The next day SAFFA lady knocks on our front door and says that the nursery manager would like him not to attend until after Christmas “so we can all calm down and start afresh in the new year” she also says that before he goes back they want a meeting to discuss what we are going to do. Ds3 was really upset because the lady had said that he could go back and we weren't letting him.
Then the next week (Friday) we get a phone call from the SAFFA lady that we miss so she leaves a voicemail on both our phones. Saying that she was coming on Monday with the health visitor at 11am. My dh is at work so he phones her to ask her if we could reschedule it for when he is off. She tells him that she is ok with just seeing me on my own, that it is the only date that both she and the health visitor can do before christmas and it needs sorting so she will be round then and put the phone down on him.
So I phoned and said that it wasn't convenient for her to come on Monday and she told me that she would have to tell the nursery manager that I have stopped them from coming around and that the nursery manager might phone social services. She said they would be around over Christmas and it would ruin it for everybody. She said that we really need to sort out help for us and that she couldn't guarantee that she could protect us from social services.
During all of this going on I've been to the doctors once a month and he is really pleased with me on my anti depressants. He was worried about my BP and I had to have a 24hr bp machine fitted ( which was fun!) The results said that my bp was only raised in the daytime but not on a night which can indicate stress!
I know people can become nose blind when it comes to pets but we have plug ins, we clean our carpets once a month, we hoover everyday ( sometimes twice) dogs are walked at least twice a day and are fully toilet trained. Kids and us have shower/bath everyday, use deoderant, etc. No one else who has been in our house has commented, Even my MIL says she can't smell anything and she would tell me if she could, She's very blunt. She tells me when the boys need their hairs cut.
AIBU to be fed up and think this has only started since I told them I was depressed?
Sorry for the long post.