Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to call and check on

44 replies

LilQueenie · 02/01/2017 21:35

dp who I made leave last night? He has no food and is in sub zero temps as no heating. I'm not a bad person and it is dds father. He could go 2 mins round corner to his parents but he has avoided them for so long. basically it all kicks off when he did visit and his twat of a brother tries to start arguments. His brother is very violent. I understand why he avoids but he did say he was going to try visit more often. something we argued about adding to things last night.

OP posts:

TitaniasCloset · 02/01/2017 23:34

He sounds like a complete waste of space.

Original poster

LilQueenie · 02/01/2017 23:46

or perhaps someone who clearly needs some help. There is a good side.

OP posts:

SuckingEggs · 02/01/2017 23:48

Oh fgs.

TitaniasCloset · 02/01/2017 23:55

I give up.

Original poster

LilQueenie · 03/01/2017 00:00

I just have this idea that you don't leave someone to rot like I saw my parents do to one another so while the majority seem to think give up its not as simple as that.

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 03/01/2017 00:01

Which is your thread on relationships?

MorrisZapp · 03/01/2017 00:01

And what does not leaving him to rot look like?

PointlessUsername · 03/01/2017 00:06

He is an adult, he can help himself.
You cannot do it for him.

AdoraBell · 03/01/2017 00:08

He's not a child. He created the situation he is in now.

Leave him to it.

Look after your DD, she will need a lot of reassurance that this situation is not her fault.

debbs77 · 03/01/2017 00:11

When I kicked my ex out (or rather the police did) he lived in a shed at the allotment. Literally. In winter. Yes I felt bad but he got himself in that position and it wasn't my fault he didn't have money

Daisyfrumps · 03/01/2017 00:20

His living conditions are absolutely none of your business OP. Of course he's hoping you'll take pity on him. Don't you dare.

fallenempires · 03/01/2017 00:43

'There is a good side' where exactly? Can you honestly list them?

Original poster

LilQueenie · 03/01/2017 01:04

yeah I can actually. Was there when I went through most of my surgeries and needed someone. Supported me when I was seriously ill and unable to help myself, took over parenting and done an ace job when I had severe pnd, paid for my medical treatments, made an effort to change although not always successful he has made changes and stuck to them. Been the one that saved DDs life when I fell apart, and to top it off his mum is seriously ill. Touchy subject but having spoke recently with her it is true and is very possibly terminal. Off the top of my head theres the list.

OP posts:

SparklyMagpie · 03/01/2017 01:12

Ffs! DO NOT CONTACT HIM!! He's NOT your responsibility !

But let's face it, you're going to arnt you.

And then I wonder how long it takes when you speak to him for him to make you feel sorry for him even more and you DO let him back in

If he's that cold or desperate for food, he will sort it out himself. Your not his mother you are your daughters mother

Keep her safe, warm and well fed instead of contacting your abusive ex to make sure he eats

And I did read your other thread and I can't believe you are asking this and justifying why you want to do it

fallenempires · 03/01/2017 01:50

OP these are things that any loving partner would do regardless & without thinking.Besides that he is dd's Dad and so it's not a huge favour that he's doing here,he is equally responsible for caring for your child unless there's some back story here.Another thread was mentioned but I can't find it.

IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes · 03/01/2017 02:24

OP, it seems like you making excuses for him now, I've been there myself and long out the otherside.

All I keep thing when you talking about him is he 'told ur DD he's leaving because of her'

That's a fckin harsh thing to put on a child, will everything now be her fault? He's seen he can't get to you so he starting on her instead.

As others say he has options.

pikapoo · 03/01/2017 02:47

I understand that it does not feel black and white when you have been through a lot with your DP. But is it really possible to do both:

to be a responsible caring mother who protects her DD and shows her what it means to have her best interests at heart
to continue feeling somewhat responsible for your abusive DP (i.e. "call and check" on him, someone who "clearly needs some help")?

TasLondon · 03/01/2017 02:49

OP, the "good" things that you list are pretty much the basic expectations of a partner/father, it sounds like you have a low opinion of yourself and your DD if you think you should be especially grateful for these things. He's an adult, he's been abusive to his own daughter, by telling her that this is her fault. LTB.

OopsDearyMe · 03/01/2017 03:30

Darling what you are doing is pulling all those little times he was what you wanted and needed, holding onto those will not turn the rest into them. You cannot ignore the rest. They don't cancel each other out. You did a really amazing and brave thing getting rid.
Even without family, he has a lot of other options in regards to his heating and food. As you have said he is happy to live in a house in that state. So let him.
You are not leaving him to rot and even with your best intentions, the help he needs cannot come from you. To really get any help he needs, it has to come from him. You have to let him make decisions about his own life now and you yours. I know you probably desperately still love him and have the overwhelming urge to get those 'good' times back. But you need to remember the reason you made him leave and keep that at the forefront of your mind.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread