To want dss to be quiet now

[OutToGetYou]

At nearly 1.30am?

Background is that he is 15 and 'd'p and I have pretty much split up now, just waiting for Xmas to be out of the way so we can deal with everything.

Dp not been speaking to me for weeks and I have moved into the spare room. I went away for Xmas, got back yesterday evening, dp not here but no idea where he was. Dss not here either.

Today dss appears about 4pm. Dp I think came in about 11am but took some stuff from the fridge and left again. Dp got back about 7pm, but didn't know dss was here and went to his bedroom never to be seen since.
Dss was in his room all evening (so neither of them ate anything) coming down once to ask if dp was back but not going to see him when I said he was.
Dss in his room playing online computer games, noisily, and I want to go to sleep. His room is above mine.

Main reason for split is dp lack of parenting of dss (we're not married, just use 'dss' for ease, he's obvs not my actual step son) and me not wanting to live in what has effectively become a house share with a teenager as dp often away for work and just leaves dss with me (without my agreement) yet not allowing me any say in how he behaves.

Lord knows how I'm going to cope for the next few weeks.

I am open mouthed in shock!

So neither parent is looking after him. His dad isn't even speaking to you but expects you to put up with his son? No bloody way!

Come on, OP, you need to get this sorted! Get the house up for sale in the morning - sacrifice a bit of money just to get out.

OK sorry, just seen your update.

His mother lives about two villages away. I don't really see much of her, I have generally avoided being involved with their contact arrangements to be honest because whenever I took an interest I just got taken for granted.

The 'idea', apparently, when dp goes away, if that the dm will collect dss from our house when she finishes work (so he's here from 3.30pm to 6pm on his own) and have him for the evening, dropping him back at 10pm for him to go to bed (when I am back, usually). But this never actually happens. What happens is she tells him to just get a Macdonalds on his way home from school and he can just stay at ours, or she throws a Dominoes pizza through the door at him on her way past (I know this because the wrappings are left all over the kitchen), he then goes on this online gaming which I think changes his behaviour - and as no-one is here to temper this he gets more and more into it. Yesterday he got here about 4pm (I assume his mother dropped him off) and was on it will he went to bed about 2am. He came down to find a USB hub at one point but that's it, no food, drink etc.

Dp then doesn't believe me that this is what happens and keeps reiterating the arrangement that he spends the evenings with her - but he doesn't. I can't believe she brought him a six pack of wkd when he was in the house with no adults, it's irresponsible. No punishment was issued for that behaviour and it was that which has broken me in the end - a 15 year old being allowed to rule the roost and me being side-lined.

Next time he does it just unplug the router and hide it

Jesus , what an awful situation . I feel a bit sorry for the boy , it's no wonder he behaves like this with no guidance from his parents . He must feel so unwanted.

However, that doesn't help you Op . I guess all you can do is push for him to buy you out.

I know he's been a bit of a horror towards you, but I really feel for your stepson. Neither parent gives a shit about him. What an upbringing.

You're right to remove yourself from the situation in the way that you are and it sounds as though you know what you're doing and have no problem doing it. That's brilliant.

But, god. That poor boy.

I can't hide the router, it's attached to the wall.

Yes, i have felt very sorry for him too, I have tried and tried to put some sensible structures in place - we've been together 7 years, known dss 6, lived together 3.5. I committed to making ti work but I feel like dp didn't really. We discuss things about dss, he ostensibly agrees with me, but refuses to enforce it.

We've always had a 'no TVs in bedrooms' rule, I've been in there today to find a massive, I mean enormous, Apple TV in dss' bedroom. We used to have a 'no devices in bedrooms' rule becasue dss would stay up all night BBM'ing people (insta and snapchat now I guess) but again dp never enforced it - he 'trusted' him to just stop at 9pm (or whatever random time had been agreed and yet again never stuck to).

Dss has been suspended from school several times, he's been caught hacking the school computers, stealing another kid's phone, selling e-cigarettes etc. So, he gets sent home and gets to spend the day playing PC games instead. Great.

He does feel unwanted, by his dm mainly, yes - he has said this directly to me. Sadly dp thinks the way to make up for this is to let him do whatever he wants. I am more of the opinion that putting in sensible structures and foundations is more reassuring even if he kicks against it in the short term.

But, to be honest, I've given up feeling sorry for him because it doesn't help. He's a good kid underneath and will pull through in the end, though I suspect he will under-achieve. Either way, I am unable to have any influence it seems.

I don't have any kids so that makes it hard too. Though I did train as a nursery nurse and am not stupid (unlike dp who I have come to the conclusion is actually a cretin).

OK, I have found a new device connected to the router - named as "name's Xbox" - and the name being that of his dm's boyfriend's son, so I have blocked that from 10.30pm to 8am - he may have borrowed it and been using it here. Though I think it is the PC he is playing on not that. I can't work out which is the PC and don't want to block anything I or dp need. Especially as dp works from home and sometimes has to work at night.

How horrible for all involved. You sound like you've just had it.
I hope you can move soon and you'll need to speak to your ex with a firm plan, no ifs buts maybes or that shit.
You need to formulate a timeframe and plan to leave or equally get them out.
Living like this must be horrendous.

I can't stay on my own - don't want to anyway, I gave up my own little house in a nice area to move here because we obviously had to be near enough to his ds so he could get to school and travel between the two houses (though the dm has moved 3 times since then).

I don't like the area much, I can't get work here and it's too far from London where I can work. Plus I can't afford the house on my own - I could 'afford' the mortgage, but I can't get a mortgage and don't want that level of debt. Also, I really don't want to be rattling around in a five bedroom house on my own. I would never have chosen to live in this area nor this sort of house on my own - I made all the 'compromises', though they're not really compromises if it's just what he wanted, are they!?

I'm sorry but surely you could literally rent for 6 months? And sort out the house stuff yourself? You're allowing yourself to stay in that situation and for what? Finances? Is it really worth it?

What do you mean "sort out the house, stuff myself"? I can't apply for the mortgage for him, he has to do that. I can't sell without his agreement as the house is joint owned. So I can't "sort it out myself", no. And he wants to stay here, which is fine if he gets on with doing it.

Renting for 6m would cost the best part of £6k, I have savings but I don't have that 'spare' to just throw away.

I also really don't want to have to move all my stuff twice, I loathe moving anyway.

The only reason nothing has happened so far is because of the Christmas holiday. I went away from Xmas eve to nye. Then it's been weekend/bank holiday. This all only blew up for the final time the weekend before Christmas when he got back from his last business trip.

I've emailed him and said he's got to the end of Jan to make an offer or I'll put the house on the market (it's an empty threat as I can't sell without his permission unless I get a court order). I've told him to transfer out half the joint account money and savings to me (I will do it myself if he doesn't, just wanted to give him fair warning that it's happening, don't want any "and then she cleared out the bank account" stories being told). I've stopped my payment into it and have said I will just send over money for half the bills til I leave, once the money is transferred out I'll take my name off it so he can do what he likes with it then.

And I've said dss needs to stop noise, at 10.30pm and he's not to be left here with me when dp is not here.

I doubt I'll get a response, but he knows where I stand.

Honestly, I'd move your half of the joint account savings out tomorrow.

If he want's to move it all, there's not much you can do.

He won't do that, he really won't. It was more just to let him know what I expect to happen than to stop him taking it.

Nightmare. Good luck with it all.