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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this assault?

51 replies

Gem90 · 01/01/2017 23:20

I have occasionally wondered about this from time to time, usually excusing it all because I was drunk, but when I was talking to an old friend today she seemed shocked that I didn't realise I had been assaulted.
Basically, when I was about 16 I was friends with this boy, there was a big group of us. Anyway, he was so lovely when Sober and a complete nightmare when he was drunk.
One night we were all at a friends after a beach party, I was vvv drunk.
So was he. I passed out on the sofa, so drunk, and I woke up to him fingering me.
Like I said I was so drunk and so was he. I told him to stop and he did. Looking back now it seems so strange but at the time I thought it was just usual behaviour at teen parties. Was this assault of just a drunken laugh?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gem90 · 02/01/2017 00:38

I thought it would only be rape if it was PIV (sorry for being blunt here just trying to make clear what I thought) it was over ten years ago, my friends knew but nobody seemed to make fuss so I just left it.

OP posts:
AVirginLitTheCandle · 02/01/2017 00:46

I thought it would only be rape if it was PIV

Legally that is correct.

Penetration with fingers/objects would be sexual assault by penetration.

Original poster
Gem90 · 02/01/2017 01:36

I was known in the group as a bit of a flirt, always out on the pull so I think they all thought it was just me being me.. I was such an insecure teen and felt like guys wanting me was reassurance that I was pretty. I'm sure people just thought I was easy and it was my fault

OP posts:
mum2Bomg · 02/01/2017 03:13

Definitely assault Flowers I'm sorry. We don't always react how we think we should - I woke up once in a taxi with the driver's hand up my top. I tole him he was going to hell and he was a bad Muslim and made him take me near my home for free. I didn't give him the address and I was incredibly strong but then fell apart once I was home.

mum2Bomg · 02/01/2017 03:14

Somehow a kind of under reaction makes you feel like it 'wasn't that bad'. But it was and it leaves a mark X

MaggotStew · 02/01/2017 03:30

Yes, it's assault. A similar thing happened to me at a friend's 18th birthday/sleepover party, I woke up and one of my school friends had his fingers down my pyjamas. I've no idea if any penetration occurred, but I've only recently thought of it as assault. I never spoke to him again, which our friends thought odd. I've always felt guilty, as though he might have thought I was awake or consenting (I had form for being sexually forward, so even now don't know if any of my friends would believe me even though I know they don't especially like or trust him). Hmm

This was 25 years ago...

TheSparrowhawk · 02/01/2017 07:12

It wasn't your fault Gem. No matter who you are or what you do you don't deserve to be sexually assaulted, by anybody, ever.

ChasedByBees · 02/01/2017 07:30

Yes this was legally and morally assault.

Patriciathestripper and itsallgoodimtold - both of you seriously need to educate yourself in the law, preferably before trying to advise an assault victim. Your posts really made me angry.

Patriciathestripper1 · 02/01/2017 12:29

chased if it was legally and morally assault, or worse as some of the other posters have suggested rape? should the op report it to the police?

Just interested as no one had mentioned what could be done about it now.
I am sorry you found me asking the op if she felt she had been assaulted made you angry but I think you have overreacted slightly if it made you angry??

TheSparrowhawk · 02/01/2017 12:31

Wow you are a master of the patronising non-apology Patricia!

Patriciathestripper1 · 02/01/2017 13:01

Thanks sparrow it was my third draft, wanted to get it right so you could stick your beak in and feel good about it and generally be insulting.
I think being 'really angry' about a question asking someone how they felt is a big overreaction.

TheSparrowhawk · 02/01/2017 13:12

I think it's normal to be angry about someone saying it's fine for women to be sexually assaulted as long as that's what normally happens. I think it's normal for women to be shit sick of hearing those messages over and over and over.

Patriciathestripper1 · 02/01/2017 13:26

sparrow NO ONE on here has said it is fine for a woman to be sexually assaulted!!

DJBaggySmalls · 02/01/2017 13:26

Patriciathestripper1
If you don't feel as though you were assaulted and this was normsl behaviour at the type of parties you attended then no it wasn't.

So if a john fingers you while you are stripping, you're ok with that? I mean look at the context, and he assumed you are sexually available to him because you know where you are and the type of reputation the place has.

DJBaggySmalls · 02/01/2017 13:28

Patriciathestripper1
NO ONE on here has said it is fine for a woman to be sexually assaulted!!

You denied it was sexual assault. You are wrong.

Patriciathestripper1 · 02/01/2017 13:38

small i don't know what a 'john' would be doing watching me take down wallpaper??

DJBaggySmalls · 02/01/2017 13:41

OK you want a row. Theres one around the corner.

TheSparrowhawk · 02/01/2017 13:46

Patricia you said that if this was normal behaviour at the type of parties the OP attended then it wasn't assault.

Patriciathestripper1 · 02/01/2017 13:53

No sparrowit was the op who thought it was normal behaviour at teen parties NOT ME read the post again

PastysPrincess · 02/01/2017 13:55

Couldn't agree more Sparrowhawk. If through societal or peer pressure the OP was conditioned to think it was normal and just something that happens, it doesn't change the fact it was assault.

It's very well known that the brain has coping mechanisms which means the OP may not FEEL like it was assault- again that doesn't mean it wasn't assault.

I went through something traumatic and for a very long time I didn't feel anything because my brain was protecting me from having to face the trauma.

OP, I have no desire to cause upset where there is none but you may benefit from some counselling, even if there is no particular issue arising from the realisation of what has happened to you, counselling may help you to process the information in a safe environment.

Patriciathestripper1 · 02/01/2017 14:00

Ffs. In my first post I said that if she thought it was normal behaviour then no it wasn't. I don't think it was read properly, or perhaps I should have worded it differently.

TheSparrowhawk · 02/01/2017 14:01

Patricia, the OP asked if a man inserting his fingers into her while she was unconscious was assault and you said
'if you don't feel as though you were assaulted and this was normal behaviour at the type of parties you attended then no it wasn't.'
You said clearly that it wasn't assault.

Patriciathestripper1 · 02/01/2017 14:24

I was referring to the fact the op thought it was normal behaviour and I was saying no it wasn't.

TheSparrowhawk · 02/01/2017 14:26

Riggghhht.

Patriciathestripper1 · 02/01/2017 14:29

No I didn't I said if she thought it was normal behaviour then no it wasn't. You have read it wrong.