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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is there a future here?

21 replies

Longestlurkerintheworld · 01/01/2017 22:31

Posting here mainly for traffic as I'm alone tonight so hopefully this will give me time to sort out my thoughts I guess.

A bit of back story here.. I lived with my partner and his 3 (almost 4) year old step daughter for 7 months (we had been 'dating' quite some time previous to moving in together). My partner split with his wife, the mother of his daughter, around 3 years ago after some time of unhappy marriage which only got worse when his daughter was born and his wife then left him and he moved out of their home. Me and my partner otherwise have a pretty happy relationship and I get on really well with his daughter.

The only issue is I cannot help but feel he resents his wife leaving him and he is still very much hung up on them getting back together one day, the reasons being:

  • after only a couple of months of us living together he outright asked her through text if they could ever work things out between them, his ex replied that she had no desire to even discuss the topic.
  • he has mentioned on many occasion he feels he is letting his daughter down by not having a 'proper' family where he lives with his ex

-he often talks about how fantastic his ex is with his daughter and quite blatantly compares how I am with his daughter to how her mum is with her. I do my best but I don't try to replace her mum, I do things like baking and going to the park, but not bed times or bath times.

  • he came home with a school photo of his daughter which his ex had given him as a Christmas present to him from his daughter, he refused to say where the photo had come from.
  • when he picked his daughter up at Christmas he gave his ex a lift to a friends. I have no problem with him doing this but can't help but feel it odd he never mentioned it to me. I only found out because his mum mentioned it.
  • when we pick up or drop off his daughter I wait in the car whilst he goes to get her, normally meeting by a bus stop. However I have to parkat least 500feet away from where he picks his daughter up from.
There's other things such as being secretive over who he's messaging, then it will transpire he's received a photo of his daughter from his ex, which again I have no issue with.

So I guess my Aibu is, am I being unreasonable to think something isn't right? Is there a future here? Wwyd? Sorry it's long I just don't know if it's my own anxiety and paranoia

Thanks

OP posts:
SausageSoda · 01/01/2017 22:34

It sounds as if he's using you as a back-up plan and if his ex wanted him back he'd drop you in a flash. Sorry Flowers

Gwenci · 01/01/2017 22:54

After only a couple of months of us living together he outright asked her through text if they could ever work things out between them

I'm really sorry OP but everything else you've said aside (and a lot of that rings alarm bells too), this ^^ is not ok.

He clearly still has feelings for her and wishes they were still together. I'm really sorry.

And fwiw, it sounds like you're doing a fantastic job with his daughter - doing fun things (baking etc), but leaving intimate parenting things like bed and bath to her dad.

It doesn't sound like this is anything to do with you, but entirely him being hung up on his ex.

Original poster
Longestlurkerintheworld · 01/01/2017 22:57

I think I already knew it to be honest, I just needed to hear it from someone else.

It's awful, I really though I could have a future with this man and his DD, id do anything for either of them. I guess it's time to cut my losses now and start moving on.

OP posts:
DJBaggySmalls · 01/01/2017 22:58

Thats massively inconsiderate of him. Good luck Flowers

SausageSoda · 01/01/2017 22:59

It doesn't sound like this is anything to do with you, but entirely him being hung up on his ex.

^^ this completely

Original poster
Longestlurkerintheworld · 01/01/2017 23:13

Any advice on breaking up and moving out whilst being as kind as possible to his dd, I don't want to upset her or confuse her any more than necessary.
I've no where really to go at the moment so I suppose that give me time to plan.

OP posts:
peppatax · 01/01/2017 23:16

Find somewhere to go first, don't totally blindside him but at the same time for her sake have a plan to go before you tell him and therefore her.

Been in a similar situation myself and XP handled it so badly it really affected her. Speak to her yourself if you can.

Original poster
Longestlurkerintheworld · 01/01/2017 23:19

Should I tell her mum? I've never spoke to her before or had any desire to get in contact but for some reason I feel compelled to tell her what's going on around the same time my partner.

Obviously after I have everything organised

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 01/01/2017 23:55

I wouldn't speak to his ex, you'll end up with him contacting you asking you why you did that, rather than a clean break.

KC225 · 02/01/2017 01:38

How awful to be living with a man who is obsessed with another woman. If you are living a man it should indicate there is a future to it. Right now you are a flatmate/babysitter that has sex with him.

For your own dignity and sanity, leave. Refuse to be second best. As the above poster said, do not contact his ex wife. He can do that for himself and he probably will. She knows him better than you. She was married to him and doesn't want to be with him. You can do better than that OP. Start 2017 without him he is not your future.

mum2Bomg · 02/01/2017 03:20

Just be ready. If you leave be prepared for him to do anything to get you back...

user1483226045 · 02/01/2017 08:26

I'd take a massive step back and get out. This is not your daughter and if he is already comparing your parenting skills do you think that'll get better? I think that's really out of order. He's still emotionally attached to his child's mother and you're 2nd best. I wouldn't accept that, should you?
He has a lot to sort out in his mind and I think he will make you very unhappy in the process if you stick around. You sound lovely and you need someone who isn't complicated and free to give you the love you deserve. I'd get the hell out ASAP.

SausageSoda · 02/01/2017 09:45

I wouldn't speak to his ex. It's up to him to inform her if he wants to.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 02/01/2017 09:49

I'm so sorry, OP. Please don't waste any more time in this relationship. Do you really want to be with someone who would drop you like a hot potato for another woman? Do you want to always be second best in his eyes?

Leave now before you get more invested. You deserve so much better.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 02/01/2017 09:50

You sound lovely btw.

icy121 · 02/01/2017 10:43

He sounds like a fool! It's hard enough doing the SM thing without him holding a flame for his ex. Make your plans to leave; talk to his DD yourself - keep it light and easy though. Don't say anything about daddy, just say that you aren't going to see her anymore, it's not her fault etc etc. Leave explanations to him. Sadly sounds like there will be a number of relationships that peter out in a similar way if he still harps after the ex! Flowers

Softkitty2 · 02/01/2017 15:48

I think you are his 'for now' if his ex suggests reconciliation it looks like he will drop you like a hot potato. You are worth more than that and deserves a man who wants to be with you.
I always say words are cheap.. "I love you" means nothing when actions dont match up.

Ohyesiam · 02/01/2017 19:10

He's not being straight with you, that alone should put you off. And you sound like his plan b, and he sounds insensitive.
You deserve someone who puts you at the centre of your life.

Bettydownthehall · 02/01/2017 19:20

Can I ask why you didn't leave when he sent that text?

Had there been anything specific to happen over the last few days?

Original poster
Longestlurkerintheworld · 02/01/2017 21:27

He justified the text by saying he didn't want to work out a relationship with his ex for himself but for his daughter?

I forgot to mention he isn't yet divorced from his ex, but they've been seperated a while. He says it's due to finances, neither of them have any assets or savings. But he seems reluctant to get divorced

OP posts:
Original poster
Longestlurkerintheworld · 02/01/2017 21:39

He was talking about the past and his business going busy on New Year's Eve with me and all the problems it caused for him and the strain it put on his relationship and It just confirmed what I thought really.. I'm not the one on his mind

OP posts:
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