To not know if I'm doing this wrong

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My DS is 4 months old and This is my first baby. I love him to bits and I'm trying my best but I'm just feeling so overwhelmed at times. He needs constant attention and I'm just feeling so backed into a corner where
I don't have a minute to myself.

We've been fortunate in that dh has been able to work from home since he was born but the job has changed and he needs to be office based so I will be alone with DS this week. I sound so terrible for feeling down about that

He wakes up at about 5am and that's it. He's napping about 20 minutes here and there but the rest of the time he just cannot be occupied by anything without dh or I doing it with him and him on our laps. Is this how it usually is? I feel embarrassed to ask friends, when they tell me their babies can be left on a playmat with a few toys and occupied for hours.

I think we've probably created this problem as we both have always picked him up and carried him at the slightest sound and now he can only be occupied while being carried.

Can I please ask what a 4 month old's day should be like, activities for them to do or how to get them used to being occupied without mum and dad just for a little while?

Babies can be a bit less demanding than your DS, you just have to leave him a bit more that's all. It might sound heartless but I've had three and you can't be in three places at once.

Imagine a situation where the baby is yelling for something but your two year old needs the toilet. Well the baby is safe for now, he might be grizzling but he won't come to any harm so you see to the two year old. By the time you're done the baby has dozed off.

The truth is, you just can't give subsequent babies as much attention and they learn to live with it.

I hear your pain regarding being at home all day with your DS. I made a rule for myself to get out every single day, or if not, have a friend round. There are loads of parent and baby groups to go to and there's baby massage, swimming, baby gym. Get yourself out and about and suddenly things will feel a bit better.

Even though the tiredness with having a newborn made the first couple of months SO hard, I found he 4 month mark hard too. I think they go through a big mental and physical development which makes them a little grisly (mine had sleep regression too) and they're at that stage where they are a lot more aware of their surroundings than when they're tiny, yet they're not developed enough to sit up or play properly with things - cue frustrated cries.
A lot of PP suggestions are good. I found the babybjorn chair good for a few minutes here and there, and getting out a lot saved my sanity. I appreciate this time of year doesn't make that an attractive proposition!
Good luck. You're doing great. And don't compare to others!!

4 to 6 months was the hardest time for me so far (DD is 10months). Constant attention, napping was hard.
I spent a lot of time out of the house with DD in the pram walking around

I think I spent my whole day sat on the floor next to the play mat dangling things for DD or something of the sort! I think it's pretty normal

Get out get out get out! It's a very rare day that DS and I spend the whole day at home but we do a bit more now that he's slightly older (10 months) and can actually play a bit. At 4 months I found the pressure of entertaining him for a whole day at home way too much. So we went out every single day, for at least part of the day. Many, many trips to the supermarket even when I didn't really need anything. Lots of baby groups. Lots of meet ups for coffees with other friends with babies.

At 4 months DS moved between his play mat and his bouncy chair when we were at home. Like you I couldn't really put him down on the play mat for any length of time as he liked me to be near him but I would have the TV on in the background and sit on the floor with him. When I needed to do stuff, whether it was shower, cook or whatever, the bouncy chair came with us into the bathroom/kitchen and I would just talk to him a lot.

You'll be absolutely fine without your DH at home, mine works from home a few days a week usually and I actually prefer it when he's in the office then DS and I can just get on with whatever I want to do rather than having to worry about another person. The only advantage of DH being there is that he will generally watch DS for 5 minutes if I need the loo - I have always been quite a private person when it comes to toilet habits and I hate having DS crawling round my feet and pulling himself up on the toilet seat when I'm trying to have a poo in peace

Op, your baby won't come to any harm if he cries for a few minutes while you shower and brush your teeth. One of my now adult DC was like this but I had other DC to look after so sometimes there was no alternative but to have a crying baby!

As pp have said, it will do you lots of good to go out every day as part of your routine.

My second was/is impossible.

I couldn't even brush my teeth or eat a sandwich without him screaming. He barely slept day or night and it was really tough.

I eventually got an ergobaby sling I wish I'd got one sooner. He also got into a better routine and napped more eventually.

Jumperoo helped a bit but not much, baby hated the swing seat, playmat, everything.

It does get easier once they're sitting/crawling but I still find it tough now because at 18 months ds is into everything and doesn't like being contained.

It doesn't last forever though. My advice would be to do what you can when you can. It won't hurt your baby to cry while you shower and eat, but equally don't worry if you can't clean everything. Get out as much as possible if you can, try to just look after yourself and enjoy your baby and your maternity leave.

Bouncy chair with a baby gym...That was where my babies mostly were, (also a baby nest when they could sit up). Bouncy chairs can me moved around so they can watch whatever you are doing.
You don't need to be carrying them all the time, just have them somewhere they can see and hear you (and vice versa), even in a pushchair/pram, if necessary.

He sounds like a normal 4 month old, you sound like you have some really high expectations of yourself and what you should be doing with him.

You're allowed to leave him alone for a bit, you're allowed to let him cry for a bit, you're allowed to do something for yourself.

Cut yourself some slack. A perfect mother isn't one that is ground down to the floor with trying to get everything done

PS I wouldn't bother with a bouncy chair type thing as it sounds like he'll be sitting soon and you can't use them when they can sit unaided. I tried it - it ended up with a child crying his eyes out flat on his face!

My ds is the same but introducing a routine has helped massively. I have some stuff a sleep consultant did for a friend. She suggests 3 naps and a cat nap for that age. With 1.5hrs between each nap with naps lasting either 40 mins or 1.5hrs and a catnap about 2 hrs before bedtime lasting 30 mins.

It's been a revelation and our days now have structure and we all know what's coming next and I can plan my day around him. He's a happier baby because he's getting more rest, so will sit in bouncer or jumperoo if I need him too.

I couldn't put my first born down for a good seven months until he started crawling. Even when on my knee he had to be held upright rather than sitting as he liked bouncing on his legs. Christ, it was hard work. He never sat for more than 2 minutes in a bouncy chair or jumperoomor anything like that. He just cried if I put him in one. I got nothing done for months. It passed though, as these things do. He's six now and is a complete nightmare lovely boy. My subsequent children were all high needs but nowhere near as bad as he was.

Dd2 was like this (dd1 was not!) we had luck with a lillebaby sling (hated baby bjorn, jumperoo was a success for short periods at first and a soft cow ring/nest that can either be a circle they lie in or a semi circle to prop them up as they get the hang of sitting up (from Mothercare) helped me get things done until she did get sitting up and a bit mobile and slightly less grumpy. Otherwise she just had to grizzle sometimes

You are NOT doing anything wrong! You sound like a fab mummy.
All babies are different and have different needs so there's no 'normal'.
I could have written your post when dd was 4 months. She was so high maintenance, I used to go for coffee with other mums and while they were sitting with their baby quiet on their lap I would be doing laps of the coffee shop so dd could look at everything or I would be doing constant 'bouncy bouncy' On my lap.
Utterly exhausting but it got better once she crawled (very early at 7 months and walked at 9). She was just too nosy and liked loads of stimulation. Even now she much prefers playing with others than on her own.
I found that I just had to get out. I did every baby class going (even though most of them drove me nuts) as it was easier being out and about and bored rather than being stuck in being bored whilst the house is a shit tip! It gets easier honestly xxx

Please DO NOT give your baby your phone to play with. Mobile phones are disgustingly dirty as the vast majority of people never ever clean them yet use them in every environment including on the loo 😒
There are a lot of studies into the hygiene risks and the fact there are often more germs (and very similar ones) on your phone than on a loo seat will give you some idea.
Good article in Good Housekeeping snip shown but google it and you will see why.....I never gave my daughter my keys to play with as a baby either for similar reasons....I just heave every time I see babies chewing on car keys and phones

Oh and she is a realistically healthy 25yr old now so I managed to get her to that age....tho when she cried with colic for around 35 hrs a day for 3 months solid it was a close run thing

Not to mention that under 2s shouldn't be having (much, if any) screen time.

You're doing great.

Wrap the baby up and get into the habit of a nice daily walk and some fresh air. If the baby doesn't doze off being wheeled round, they probably will when you get home.

It's normal for many babies and you're doing a great job! My ds was like that at 4 months (and 2 and 3 and 5 and 6 and 7 and 8 and 9...). He's 11 mo now and only happy for short periods playing on his own/crawling around but mostly just wants to be held and entertained. I know.other babies who will happily sit and play for ages, sit happily in a high chair for ages, generally not be a royal pain in the arse etc. They're all different. At 4 months I was just doing my best to get on with my day, and if that involved a few mins of crying while I finished a task then so be it. BUT I didn't introduce routines until 8 months as I was getting ready to go back to work and I really wished I'd started sooner as it did make things a little easier. He wouldn't always nap at all at the same times and that was still only on me or in the sling, and he was still clingy, but it helped break the day up. You'll find you're much more distracted when you start weaning as well - 3 meals a day means much more work!

Keep it up, you're doing fine

Ds1 was like this. When the subsequent 3 dcs came along they were a lot less demanding because they couldn't be.

Rule 1 to learn is that if baby is in a safe place he can be left to scream for a few mins whilst you do something essential. Eg. If you need a shower bring him into bathroom in carrycot/bouncy chair etc. You can see him and talk to him whilst showering so you know he's safe and if he doesn't like it, tough, it's 7 mins.

Then get out of the house, for your own sanity. Now is the time to try all the baby groups, (some won't be suitable yet). Find your baby mum friends. Having friends with more than one kid means you can use their experiences.

With Ds1 we had an activity for each day. Some groups, a meet with one baby friend, a meet related to my hobby, etc. So we were out by 10am. He was happier in buggy or car. He would fall asleep after that and I would bring him inside in buggy or car seat and leave him to sleep. And i would do some jobs and make lunch. He would wake after an hour or two and we would go out to the city centre, supermarket, for a walk in the park, etc. And then be home for DH's return.

Ds1 NEVER had a nap in his cot. Always in arms or buggy or car seat. (He dropped his nap totally at 18months and still doesn't sleep much age 12!)

Don't worry. Don't compare. All kids are different. But they are more resilient than you think. Your 'job' at the moment is baby. Do the things you need to do to look after baby. (Eat, sleep wash) but don't worry about anything else. It'll come.

Let him cry a bit more or hes gonna cling he will be fine show him whos boss lol